DH thinks I am weak minded for responding well to CBT

[ThatPerkyAmberViewer]

DH and I have been together for about 7 years. Before I got with him I had a really bad relationship, ex was very controlling, ordered me around, consistently made me feel so small - he would regularly speak to all his friends on a football forum about me and what I did to get support so everything was my fault.

I was really affected by this and through family support was able to leave the relationship but the scars ran deep.

I seeked out therapy, counselling and CBT. Over time I've been able to get stronger and see myself through a more positive light. I was speaking to DH about how well I had done and he should seek help for some difficulties he was having but he told me that he knew all the techniques and it was for weak minded people.

I am distraught about this because he is saying I am weak minded. He also said that he thinks drugs are the only real answer e.g. meds from doctor. He also repeatedly throws the mistakes I have made in our relationship back up any time I do something wrong but he wont take any accountability for his actions when he does something wrong because Ive done 'worse' he gets off scott free.

I've worked really hard and had to confront some incredibly difficult things. It took a lot of courage to open up and deal with some difficult things, I am questioning whether the relationship is worth if thats how he sees me.

AIBU?

It sounds to me he is undermining you and sabotaging your efforts to be on stronger and more positive. It also sounds as if he is not going to seek any help himself. I’d ditch him if it were me.

You've got another abusive partner I'm afraid from what you've written above. CBT can be very effective and using it doesn't mean you are weak minded it means you identified an issue, understand that your response to it isn't healthy and then actively work to change your thoughts around it. Medication can help but for me the thing that stopped my paranoia and belief everyone secretly hated me was not medication but a great therapist.
I suspect if you talked about how your boyfriend treats you with a counsellor they would ask what good things come from being with this man. And is it outweighed by the bad things. No wonder your partner doesn't agree with therapy, he knows they'd have his number

Well done, by the way. It takes strength to ask for help.

Honestly that’s genuinely so disgusting and unkind to have said at that that exact moment that I would reconsider the relationship. Just from that.

Then I read the rest and yep. Divorce him. Even if you don’t, speak to your therapist about him.

I would also suggest the freedom program if you have already done it.

First off good for you and your progress!

Second, Be mindful about preaching the virtues of something like this to others… It’s great to say something worked for you but that doesn’t mean that everyone should try it or believe it’s right for them. (See also exercise regimes, eating choices, and religion)

Third… he sounds like an ass and this should probably be the next thing that you take a good long look at.

Best thing you can do for your mental health is get rid of this callous grunt right now.

Sensible advice here.

It seems like you have a relationship with another abusive man who wants to undermine you.

Anyone in a healthy relationship would congratulate you that you've found something that works for you.

You should be congratulated for sticking to it and doing the work. 👍.

He sounds like he's negging you or worse, trying to sabotage the good results you have gotten. That would be a relationship ender especially since he has got some glaring red flags flying.

I would say it’s the opposite - CBT is about learning to control your own emotional responses. It takes strength of mind, not weakness. You’re not letting someone else control your emotions, you’re doing it with your own mind.

Reacting well to CBT shows plasticity on your part. It shows that you can internalise an analysis of your behaviour to modify it. This guy is showing his ignorance, and yes, he sounds controlling.

Well done you. Don't let this undermine your efforts.

Firstly, that's such a cruel thing to say to someone who has made such positive changes through therapy. Especially since you say it has helped you to view yourself in a more positive light, why would he want to drag you back down if he knows that has been an issue for you in the past?

Secondly, CBT didn't help me. CBT isn't the right choice for a lot of people! But the important thing to clarify when I say that is the fact that CBT doesn't work for everyone bears no reflection on strength of mind, resilience, or mental fortitude. CBT didn't work for me because it doesn't suit the way my mind works, not because I'm too "strong-minded" for it! CBT is the foundation of so many other therapy techniques and it is so helpful to so many people; there shouldn't be any shame in that.

I appreciate that most people aren't going to get help unless they want it for themselves, but the fact that he can't express that he doesn't want therapy without tearing you down is a real red flag, actually. If this is a habit of his I can't see this being a healthy relationship; he should support you and appreciate the progress you've made through CBT even if he doesn't want to do it himself or think it will work for him.

Meds have their place and are vital for many people but if your mental health is in a good place without them then why would you put up with the potential side effects or just the need to take a regular medicine.

So you've gained insight and strength from this and he thinks it makes you weak? More fool him.

He is one notch up the food chain from your ex. Break up with him. You deserve better.

Bless you for putting up with such a prick!!! You do not deserve to be treated like this. You are doing everything you can to improve your mental health and wellbeing. You are the complete opposite of weak.

Unless he is a cbt expert then no he doesn’t know all the techniques. I’d say your actually very strong minded, it takes a lot of effort mentally to confront and control undesirable thoughts. Well done for making such progress. It is common to come out of one abusive relationship and into another, I’m not saying this is the case here but a loving supportive person doesn’t tear down their partner even if they don’t agree with their method of getting help.

Pure unkindness. Do you really want to be with him?

I am questioning whether the relationship is worth if thats how he sees me.

No it's not.

It takes a huge amount of effort and commitment to work through difficult issues. I think you should feel really proud of yourself for engaging with the treatment and getting the results.

This man is not worthy of you. Don't let him undo all of your hard work.

OP, did you know that women who get out of one abusive relationship often get right into another one. It sounds like this is what is happening to you. Your partner should be pleased for you that CBT is working for you.

OP he liked you better before CBT. You had no confidence so he could treat you as he wanted and you'd accept it. He doesn't like it that you are now finding yourself and becoming a stronger character because 1. he won't have the same control and 2. he's afraid you're realising what an arrogant mean individual he is and will leave him.

You know now that you deserve more. Leave him and find it..

Very true
I also think he doesn't want you to do well with CBT because you will realise he is abusive and you also will see through his attempts to blame you

You’re not weak, he’s being a twat. HTH