Wwyd… daughters role in show

[Samelly]

More of a what would you do than an unreasonable thing… posting for traffic

My 15 yo daughter has been attending a local drama group for 8 years, performed in all the shows (twice a year) and attended two summer schools. It’s pretty much every Sunday all year apart from small breaks and school hols so a big commitment for all of us really with the logistics. She loves performing but she’s not a singer she is part of the ensemble/dance crew.
For context there are assigned roles they audition for. So main parts/singers and dancers. Dancers are then broken up into “main dancers” (let’s say 8 people) “middle dancers” lets say another 10 people then “ensemble” which is all the other dancers/non part people.
Now I wouldn’t say the people that pick the parts are cliquey but there are definitely “favourites”
my daughter has been attending extra dance classes for the last year to really up her game. All throughout she has received excellent feedback from her teachers and the drama class teachers.
She’s been a “middle dancer” for about 3/4 shows now and performs well (I know I am biased) she really really wants to be picked to be a “main dancer”.
She has come home from the latest auditions really flat, saying she didn’t get a call back so she thinks she will get “middle dancer” again which is an achievement but it hurts my heart to see her so down that all her extra hard work seems to be for “nothing”

I really don’t what to be “that parent” but would you send the teacher a message just explaining how she’s feeling after the auditions in the hope that they’ll give her a chance? I would never tell her this, she would be mortified I was even thinking it. Would you just wait to see if the cast list comes out and see what “part” she gets?

AIBU do not message just let it be
AINBU message them, what’s the worst that could happen

Encourage her to ask them what she needs to move up a level.

Exactly this.
Find out what more she needs to do. If you frame it like that, it will go down much better with the organiser. And at least they'll be aware of how she's feeling too.

No, she’s 15. Encourage her to have the conversation herself if it’s important enough to her. A really essential life skill. You could help her by practising the conversation, being a sounding board for her to vent her feelings, but don’t do this for her.
Unless there’s going to be an additional
needs drip feed, in which case support her in the way that most meets her needs.

YABU Absolutely don't send a message saying she wants a better part, that's not how it works.

Your dd should be asking for feedback on how to improve up to the next level. She's 15 not 5, like you said she would be mortified if she thought you were doing that.

I understand why you'd want to send a message like that, we all want the best for our kids.

But put yourself in their shoes - if you received a message from a parent would it genuinely change your mind?

Help her stand out another way - asking for feedback, understanding what she needs to work towards, what sets the main dancers apart etc...

If you know she’d be mortified don’t do it. Even if it wouldn’t embarrass her, absolutely no. Encourage her to have the difficult conversation and what she needs to do to get the role she wants.

She was ensemble. She worked at it, and has recently moved up to middle. She's only done that a few times. She has had her improvement recognised and rewarded. Now she needs to consolidate whilst working out her next steps.

At 15 she should be asking for herself - "please can you give me some tips on my dancing, I'm really keen to have a main role". My 9 year old was in same position, so we semi rehearsed how she might ask her teacher for pointers, and she was really pleased with herself afterwards.

We need to enable our children to advocate for themselves in an age appropriate and respectful way. It's so tempting to swoop into the rescue isn't it, but not always helpful.

At 5, maybe but no, not at 15. She needs to approach the teacher and ask for feedback, anything she can do to improve etc.

Been there with my own. Sometimes there are reasons our kids don't get the big roles. It's a lot to take on and it's more than just being there and attending. No matter how good we think they are, you have to leave it to the teachers/organisers.
If it means that much, she can talk to them herself. But it's a tough time out there in real life if this is something she wants to do going forward, she needs to understand that's what it's like.

Absolutely don’t! As others have said, reassure her she did her best and encourage her to ask for feedback directly as to what she’d need to do to make it to a core dancer. As cutthroat as it sounds, 8 others probably just danced better than she did, and it’s crap as you feel in a fairer world there should be more of a rotation but it happens!! At my dance school (a trillion years ago but still) a few girls went on to study dance and one ended up at some ballet academy; none of us could touch them.
But encourage her to ask for feedback; there could be other opportunities available to her (I did some TV work, for example).

At similar programmes here, those in the “main dancer” group are kids who do ballet and jazz exams at a dance studio and often even part of the competition team at their dance studio (so not just doing dance classes through the theatre training). Obviously it’s difficult to start that at 15 if she hasn’t done it before, so not suggesting that this is a route she could take, but more of an explanation why she isn’t being picked as opposed to it being biased, favouritism, etc.

My suggestion would be that she ask for feedback herself and see what she could do. It may be that the extra classes she has been taking are not quite the right ones, and there are others that might be more useful.

Thanks all that’s really helpful. It was just a knee jerk reaction to her coming home so flat

Definitely don’t.

Honestly going every week with some extra lessons recently isn’t main dancer territory. Our GCSE dance students do more than that at a minimum!

That isn’t taking it seriously.

Dsis was in a very similar situation with my niece (also 15). She and niece's dad emailed the teacher and didn't tell her. She found out and was absolutely fuming - she found it humiliating and was really angry they'd kept it from her.

I'd encourage her to speak up for herself at that age tbh and ask what she needs to do to improve.

I'm not a dance parent but are there other performances in the area she can audition for?

She should be able to ask for feedback from the auditions but ime female roles are more competitive and vocals might be holding her back. Her age is roughly when a distinction appears between those with training and potential to pursue it further and those who do it for enjoyment.

No, do not message them.

My DS was in a theatre group and he was laid back and happy with anything. He often did a handful of bit parts, the curtains and was the prompt! He would be very involved mainly from the sidelines and people watch and, during one set of rehearsals He came home and warned us to watch for fireworks.

Like your daughters group, there was a lot of cliquiness going on. He'd noticed one particularly poorly cast part. All gained though "who you know not what you know". It was a main part and in a musical - so the whole triple skills required.

We went to opening night. This girls singing was awful. The second main part was amazing which only served to show her up more. Her parents sat clapping and whooping at every opportunity but there was no way of hiding the reactions of many in the room. By the second half the girl had lost confidence and it was abundantly clear. Poor girl. She was talented in many other ways but was just not sufficiently good enough for this part.

She was brave enough to continue - well done her - but she didn't play at all the rest of the evenings and a slightly under rehearsed understudy took over.

It's a really good lesson for parents wanting to push their child into parts they've not been chosen for. The poor girl was publicly humiliated.