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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

not be aspiring to this?

19 replies

thebecster · 12/05/2008 13:19

We spent a day with some of DH's friends recently and ever since he's been making wistful comments about how he's 'sorry he doesn't command the sort of wages to give us that kind of life'. Including 'I wish I could afford to give you the choice to be SAHM', (I'm part time, I love my work). 'That house is amazing isn't it?' (subtext - we live in a tiny rented flat).

But I came away from the day with a totally different perspective. Their DC were totally spoilt and had a 1950s vision of life eg not letting my DS play with the toy washing machine 'because you're a boy, so you're the daddy and daddys can't do the washing'. (My DS loves doing the laundry - its his favourite game - so he was really upset at being pulled away from it all the time). They had FAR too many toys and spent all their time listing things they owned/pestering for more 'stuff'. It was their only conversation (they were 3 & 5). If anything I came away feeling grateful for our life, even if we don't have much money, it showed me that money isn't always the most helpful thing for raising kids. But DH seems to have come away feeling differently. Not sure how to reassure him now - I've tried telling him repeated that I don't WANT to be a ft SAHM (just as well!) and that while we'd love a bigger place, I don't want to be surrounded by every consumer durable/toy/white good on the market, it wouldn't make me any happier than I am when we walk to the park for a picnic. DH seems genuinely sad about it, as if he's failed us. I don't get it and I think I'm saying all the wrong things...

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GooseyLoosey · 12/05/2008 13:25

Sometimes we have had this type of conversation. We are well off but with different choices could be very, very well off.

When dh mentions this, we talk about what is important to us and what would change if we had more money. What is most important is the time to do things together as a family. If one of us was to earn more, we would lose the time together and that would just not be worth it.

My ds recently asked why he did not have a TV in the playroom and watch all of the DVDs that some of his friends do. We told him that that is because mummy and daddy try very hard to spend time with him and dd and play with them - which would he prefer. He quite clearly values nothing more that his time with us and I bet your dcs are the same.

oregonianabroad · 12/05/2008 13:29

get him this book and tell him how you feel.

meemar · 12/05/2008 13:32

It sounds a bit like he is projecting his wishes on to what he thinks you want.

Talk to him about why he feels dissatisfied. If he genuinely understands more money and a big house is not what you want, then he should not be pining for them on your behalf.

HappyNewYearFeet06 · 12/05/2008 13:33

My dh was at a bbq on Sat of a single friend of ours who has a 5 bed house on a new 'posh' estate.

Dh too gets all mopey about money etc....

I told him we were rich in the love within our family and our 3 children, we have our own 4 bed house and if we had no money whatsoever I would still be happy as I have my family.

Sounds mushy now but I meant it at the time.

You don't need money to be happy, life is what you make it.

Just be there for dh but don't keep bringing it up. Iam sure he will talk if he needs to and then just listen to him and reassure him that you are happy.

Original poster

thebecster · 12/05/2008 13:34

Thanks GooseyLoosey -Think it would be difficult to sell that one to DH - he works very long hours and doesn't see DS as much as he'd like. He works same hours as his friend, but his friend earns enough that he can afford for his wife to be SAHM. Can't say that their DC get less time than ours - in fact they get more time because they have a SAHM...

We're really not well off (don't own a home, no pension, not much savings, Asda smartprice for everything, thankful that the hot weather means we'll have a lower fuel bill!). So more money would be good. But I still came away feeling less wistful about not having money because I could see that money has brought them a few problems as well as happiness. But DH doesn't see it that way and I want to reassure him, or understand where he's coming from better.

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Original poster

thebecster · 12/05/2008 13:38

oregonian - I've read that book - loved it!
I think you're right about the projecting meemar. Also I think there are some issues there with our families - I come from quite a wealthy background, whereas his family are quite poor, and he has occasionally made comments suggesting that I made some kind of sacrifice by marrying him. (Sacrifice! Ha! He's the kindest & best of men, and a wonderful father). And he was quite marked by his family losing their home when he was a teenager.

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StealthPolarBear · 12/05/2008 13:46

show him your op
yanbu

doggiesayswoof · 12/05/2008 13:49

IKWYM and I am def with you on this. The comments you made on your backgrounds are key imo - he has known a bit of financial insecurity in the past, so for him, money = security = the holy grail. It's not such an issue for you (I don't mean that in a patronising way).

It's a pity - seems like he thinks he still has to live up to some ideal of what you could have had if you'd married someone from a similar background to your own?

at 1950s DCs too.

Original poster

thebecster · 12/05/2008 13:57

dsw - not at all patronised I think you're spot on as to why I'm finding it difficult to understand. Having always had money I know what it CAN'T buy. Whereas he knows what it's like when money becomes a serious issue, and I haven't had that experience so am not as frightened of it. Right now things are 'a bit tight', but there are no bailiffs, we don't have any debt, so I'm not at all stressed about it. But I think he is.

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alicet · 12/05/2008 14:02

To be honest I think your attitude is really refreshing. It's too easy these days to want more and more - dh and I are sometimes guilty of this ourselves - but actually our health, gorgeous children and amazing relationship is worth so so much more.

Can understand where he's coming from though if he's had financial hardship in the past...

Original poster

thebecster · 12/05/2008 14:06

You're dead right about health AliceT and actually that gives me another clue about why DH and I are feeling differently. I was really ill last year. Am fully recovered now, and keep having bursts of gratitude for the fact that I'm still here, not disabled in any way and can enjoy my family. Whereas DH had a very scarey time looking after me, and I think he's only just recovering from the stress of it. So it's easy for me to feel delighted at going to the park for a picnic because this time last year I couldn't have physically done it, and no amount of money could have made it possible for me. I'm not sure he's feeling quite so chipper about the whole experience!

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alicet · 12/05/2008 14:09

SHow him this thread. I think you've explained yourself really clearly in it and also showed a lot of understanding for why he might be feeling differently. Might help him to see why you feel as you do

anniemac · 12/05/2008 14:11

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anniemac · 12/05/2008 14:13

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oregonianabroad · 12/05/2008 14:23

There are some studies which suggest that, beyond an average level of income, and increase in money does not actually bring an increase in satisfaction (happiness). IME, it actually brings more trouble!

If I were you, I'd set aside a day to positively pamper him without spending a penny: picnic, backrub, some sort of cardboard art project with the kids -- then say, 'see??!!'

StealthPolarBear · 12/05/2008 14:31

I agree, and I also disagree with DH.
I'd love to win enough on the lottery to sort out any financial worries we have (pay off mortgage, some to buy DS a house when he's old enough etc) but if we won millions I don't believe I would actually be any happier than I would be with just financial security. I do think you'd start off buying new cars and going on holiday etc but once the novelty had worn off I'd like my life just like this but without any money issues (we don't really have money worries, just monthly niggles)
Or is it people like me that shouldn't play the lottery?! Off to check my ticket

rookiemater · 12/05/2008 15:43

I believe that most men think slightly differently to us.

DH is mad keen to replace our second car, a clapped out old punto, which I might add that I drive, and is disappointed it has scraped through its MOT as he has his eye on a Merc convertible. I just cannot understand why we would want to do this when we have a huge mortgage and are hoping to have another child.

We were out for a few drinks on Friday and DH said his hopes for the future were to pay off the mortgage ( yes sensible enough and more easily done if we stick to the cars we have) buy a second property abroad and in the Lake District, pay for DS to have a private education so he can go to Oxford or Cambridge ( yes I have no idea why it has to be those two either, but apparently EVERYBODY from the BBC and in government has been there) oh and we would have a Merc and a BMW on the drive.

From my perspective, as long as DS and ourselves arehappy and healthy and we have a plan to pay off the mortgage and retire at a decent age with enough money to enjoy life, thats all I want.

If you read this on its on you would think my DH was a materialistic wanker, but hes not he is a lovely man. He grew up in a terraced council house with very little money and seems to have this deep rooted need to show everyone how well we are doing.

anniemac · 12/05/2008 16:01

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suey2 · 12/05/2008 16:04

agree rookiemater. It is really interesting that many men feel this pressure to provide more than is actually needed, but it is really common IME. thankfully, thebecster, he has married someone who has her priorities absolutely in the right place. Maybe when you go and see these people again he will notice the things that you did, now you have highlighted them.

We have a similar issue from the other POV. My brother and SIL earn decent cash by normal standards, but nowhere near what my dh (and to a lesser extent I), do. DB feels bad that he has not beeen able to give SIL enough money to be a SAHM which she initially wanted, but now she really enjoys the 3 days a week she is at work. THeir kids are 3 and 1. They have a fabulous family life together and he gets home at 10 to 6 every day and is very much a hands on dad. My DH gets to see DD for 10 mins in the morning and for the late feed. THat's it during the week. And we feel pretty privileged: we have made our choices career wise and there is no going back now. Both DB and I are very, very lucky, but i know sometimes he feels very second best, although he absolutely is not.

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