Separating cousins at school

[Crazyspaniellady1]

I've name changed for this and using AIBU as hoping to get more traffic. Posted in education regarding a related issue a while back and only got 2 responses! I'll try to make it short:

We have a daughter in year 3 at a tiny, nurturing prep. She's happy but she's a bit on the outside of friendship groups. She's the youngest in the year - if she'd been born a week later she'd be in the year below! Her cousin is in the year below at the same school. They are like sisters, very close. Adore each other (both onlies). But her cousin has a lovely group of friends and is more confident and a bigger personality.

We have the option of moving her to where my husband works for much reduced fees with way better facilities. Seems a no brainer! But I'm wondering about the cousin thing really. Has anyone had experience of this dynamic at school and found separating helped? I'm scared she'd hate us forever for moving her from her cousin.

They had an event at school the other day that I went to and she tagged along with her cousin after failing to join in with her own peers who were going round in a little group and despite me encouraging her to join in with them.

So, I guess I'm asking, would moving her be beneficial in helping her find herself as her own person and forge her own proper friendships or would it scar her for life?!

Thank you everyone. Really need some guidance, advice and opinions here.

It's lovely that the cousins have such a close bond, but that age, kids do make new friends fairly easily.

I wonder if your daughter is becoming reliant on her more confident cousin, which, in the long run, may not be a good thing.

Can she go for a taster day at your husband's school? Hopefully, she would have a good time and get along with some of the kids in the class, which would help.

The relationship with her cousin can still be fostered out of school.

I would be inclined to move her and encourage a wider friend group.

The cousin isn't even in the same class though at current school is that right?

Honestly I wouldn't bat an eyelid about separation from a cousin who presumably she will still see socially and who she only sees at break times at school. It may well do her the world of good to be exposed to new people and find her own friends.

Sounds like a great opportunity for her at the new school.

It's not going to scar her for life. I think that's a little dramatic. She may be upset about it at first. Its not as if you are thinking of moving her across the country away from her best friend who she'll never see again. It's her cousin, so they will still have opportunities to spend time together. As you say, it might help bring her out of her shell. On the flip side, it's quite normal for a girl in year 3 to have a best friend. As she develops her own interests, starts thinking about changing to secondary etc, she may naturally start to gel more with children on her own year group. In your position provided she likes her school and assuming her cousin isn't a bad influence, I would probably keep her where she is. The only thing I'd say is be careful not to compare her to her cousin so much.

It'll probably do her good.

She'll have her own individual qualities which can flourish if she doesn't have someone more confident to hide behind.

And her relationship with her cousin will flourish in a different way because time together is precious.

If she's the youngest, is it she feels more in step with the year group below as well as having her cousin there?

I think separating them now might be good so they can build up their own social circles.

Seems like a no brainier to me. She needs a friendship group of her own!! You’re not ripping her away from her cousin, never to see her again, she simply won’t see her at school.

I would move her I think. Esp as your DH would command a discount. The little RL the cousins have sounds very sweet.They can socialise out of school. Like twins they need to forge their own path as well

I’d move her. It sounds like she’s relying on the cousin rather than making an effort to make friends with her peers. This might be a lack of confidence, but it could also just be a habit - tagging along with family. Either way, moving her sounds a good idea.

The cousin separation wouldn't bother me. I would though see if dh can have a frank conversation with the teachers of the class she is likely to go into and find out more about the dynamics in the class.

Why did you not consider placing her in the younger cohort, given that she is a very late summer born, and clearly is emotionally /socially more aligned with the younger class.
perhaps when you move school you can also place her in the lower year?

I read that the self esteem of 8 and 11 year old girls that are youngest in their year is markedly lower than autumn born girls.

I would move her. Now is an easier time to do that and its possible that having her cousin around is holding her back from forging stronger relationships with her own peer group. It may not seem such a big deal at this age, but when she moves on to senior she may lack the skills she needs to get out there and navigate the more complex aspects of girls friendships. Its wonderful she has such a great relationship with her cousin but its a special type of relationship, its ‘easier’ and not as ‘real world’ as other types of friendships.

You can nurture the cousin relationship outside of school. It would be good encourage friendship with others aswel.

Oh jeeze. This reminds me of the mothers of two of my daughters friends who were cousins. The girls started out in the same reception class and yr1, but the school regularly mixed up classes, and in year 2 they were too be in different classes. The mums were furious when the class lists came out at the end of the summer term and demanded that the lists be changed and the cousins remain together.

My DD said that the girls didn't actually care. They were all part of a big friendship group. And the school stuck to its guns and refused to change the list. Both girls were fine, but the mothers went down in everyone's estimation.

Obviously you're not those mums and you sound perfectly sensible @Crazyspaniellady1 ! But really it does sound as though your DD is somewhat dependent on her cousin, and it's likely that being apart will be a benefit to her social development, rather than a downside.

Definitely separate them. She'll forever be in her cousin's shadow otherwise.

You wouldn’t move them if they were sisters.

It’s nice that they get on and have the separation of being in different years.

I don’t see the problem - they’re close, both socially and in age.

Dont look for problems - doesn’t sound like there is one yet??

It's wonderful your daughter has a fantastic relationship with her younger cousin. However, it does sound as if she's relying on her cousin for friendship. That's not healthy for either of the children. Are the school helping your daughter with her social skills and developing friendships? Separating your daughter from her cousin, might seem horrible, but actually it might prove to be better for her long-term. Also she's older, so I assume at some point she'll be leaving the school before her cousin, so she'll have to manage without her?

My dd has a cousin in the same year. I would split them up at this stage. Dd and dc were in different primaries but same secondary, it was good and bad having them in the same classes. Positively they are friends and look out for each other, they get along well and have encouraged each other academically. However dd also feels responsible for dc, when there are friendship issues she feels like she has to support dc, they have a family relationship as well as a friendship and dd feels that puts extra pressure on their friendship.

Im glad they had the time apart at primary as they both have friends independently of each other and that takes the pressure off a little when they aren’t really getting on/disagree, and gives them both confidence they can do things apart.

I think if they had done primary together too it would have added more intensity to their relationship which now they are teens wouldn’t be helpful.

Children tend to get more tribal as they get older - I wouldn't be sure they'll still mingle across year groups at later ages. If anything, your daughter expecting or relying on that might damage the relationship between the cousins.

Most of the school day isn't break time and your daughter will see her cousin outside school. I'd put the cousin factor completely out of your head while you look at the two schools and decide which is best for your daughter. Would you have to decide now or can you make a move later if helpful?

If your daughter is the youngest in her year, is it an option to move her down a year when she moves schools? Perhaps one of the reasons she struggles to make friends and gravitates towards her cousin, is that she is emotionally and socially more atune with the children in the year below. As you say, she would be in that year group if she had been born a few days later.

My experience of cousins at the same school keep them apart. They may not always be close and kind to one another.

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate all the input. I feel like we're going round in circles humming and hawing about it. I'm driving myself mad 🤣

The people who mentioned why didn't we put her back a year or do that if we move schools. To be honest in some ways I wish we had but academically she's doing so well. Emotionally, I agree, she'd probably be more suited to the year below. But then she'd be in the same year as her cousin and that might mean she'd struggle to make her own friends even more. I don't feel like we can put her down a year now because she'd be gutted to essentially redo year 3. I'm not sure that's a solution or option.

She didn't want to go in to school today but didn't know why/wouldn't say why. We're now in the situation where we'd potentially be moving a child who seems happy. She says she wants to see the new school as "she might meet more people she gets on with" which broke my heart. But I also wonder how much of this is stuff shes picked up on from me asking about her friends etc I feel like she could be so much happier if we make the leap BUT what if she's not and it all goes wrong. I hate being such a "what if?" person. I just want to make the right decision for her.

But it sounds like she isn’t particularly happy at school.

Happy children don't refuse to go to school. You need to have more conversations about why she didn't want to go.

I was academically fine but didn't have anyone I got on with in primary school, my sister the year below did. While I got on with my sister and tagged along, I didn't have my own friends and felt (and was treated) like an outsider.
As an adult my mum told me she had considered sending me to a school more suitable for me, but decided not to (not for money reasons). I wish she'd at least shown me there was an alternative. The last 4 years of primary were pretty shit for me.

It sounds like your daughter needs to move out of her cousins shadow. A new school could do her the world of good in the long term.

I definitely think move. She doesn't have a super close group of friends, and doesn't want to go to school today and new school is better. She will always be close with cousin regardless of school.

I would also work on finding friendships outside of school at a brownies or some sort of sports/dance class. Meeting people with similar interests is good way to make friends and boost her confidence.