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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What to do about this friend

25 replies

HoNo · 08/03/2025 21:00

So DD (5) met a little girl at holiday club, and they get on like a house on fire. Turns out this girl lives only a short drive away from us. Despite going to different schools, both girls are always nagging to have playdates together, and adore each other.

However, as nice as this child is, I am conflicted, as it would appear that this child's parents and older sibling openly talk about the fact that they are engaging in current crime (think petty but definitely illegal stuff, like shoplifting) like it's completely normal.

Most kids in our area go to secondary school A. Due to DD and her friend having siblings at a different school (B), DD and her friend are pretty much guaranteed to get into the much better and very oversubscribed secondary school (B) in the next town over.

On the one hand, I would love DD to have a friend to go to secondary school with, as her friends at primary school will all be off to secondary school A, and I worry about her being isolated and struggling to make friends if she's the only girl from her primary who goes on to school B.

On the other hand, I am worried that DD will be led down the wrong path by having a friend like this. I don't want crime to be presented as normal and appealing to my daughter. My has plenty of friends at school, but she likes this girl best.

Aibu to encourage DD to have other friendships instead of this one?

YANBU- invite other friends of DD's over for playdates and hope the friendship with this girl fades away

YABU- let your DD associate with these people

OP posts:

Vestigially · 08/03/2025 21:02

Send her to secondary school A?

festivemouse · 08/03/2025 21:02

Ooo tough one - I would naively perhaps hope you could be a very good influence on this young child, along with your DD and maybe show them what a normal life is like? I would probably continue the friendship until it seemed like the child was actually negatively impacting your child with this sort of thing, then if that actually happened then draw things to a close.

Onlyvisiting · 08/03/2025 21:03

Isn't it a bit soon to be thinking to this a a secondary school friendship? They are 5?!
I'd allow the friendship but only in your house, I wouldn't send my child to their house.

parietal · 08/03/2025 21:04

They are only 5. Let them have an occasional play date and in a year one or other girls will have moved on.

batsandeggs · 08/03/2025 21:04

She’s only 5 and so far away from secondary school that none of those details would even factor into my decision making. Chances are that they’ll lose interest in each other by then anyway, simply because as they get old friendships at primary school get stronger. I wouldn’t actively encourage the friendship but would allow the odd play date as long as she’s keen.

Beamur · 08/03/2025 21:05

She's 5.
No need to think about secondary school yet.
Invite this friend over yours, if you're not keen to keep the friendship going space out the playdates a long time and chances are it will naturally dwindle.

JoyousEagle · 08/03/2025 21:06

Do the play date, it's unlikely this friendship will persist all the way through primary school anyway.

Comedycook · 08/03/2025 21:06

Don't worry about the secondary school situation just yet, but I'd try to let the friendship drift

TheFunHare · 08/03/2025 21:10

She's 5. She'll go through 10 best friends before she gets to secondary and barely remember this girl. And even if they are still friends she should know right from wrong at that age.

GrandHighPoohbah · 08/03/2025 21:10

In my experience, even if they start secondary school with friends, they often make new ones and move on from primary school friends. It's way too early too worry on that score, but I would definitely not want to associate with criminals so ditch her on that basis.

MaggieBsBoat · 08/03/2025 21:12

She’s 5?!!

Why are you worrying about this now? Your impact on your daughter is far higher than that of another small child who happens to have come from a criminal family.
That said, my daughter 9 at the time had a friend from a similar family (by the sounds of it) and I had a laissez-faire attitude to it and on a sleepover the child stole some perfume and an ornament from our house. She never came again and so clearly criminality can be learned behaviour or normalised. I was so disappointed and sad for my daughter.

So although you shouldn’t judge a 5 year old, please know that the chances of your dd ending up like this because of her are slim.

Vestigially · 08/03/2025 21:13

Onlyvisiting · 08/03/2025 21:03

Isn't it a bit soon to be thinking to this a a secondary school friendship? They are 5?!
I'd allow the friendship but only in your house, I wouldn't send my child to their house.

Oh, I completely misread that! I thought they’d met aged five, and were in their final few months in primary now!

OK, OP, this is completely mad. They’re five. DS had about five different best friends in primary school, and even then we’d moved countries long before he started secondary.

Createausername1970 · 08/03/2025 21:15

I wouldn't actively encourage or discourage, I would let it take its course. So I wouldn't say "do you want to see friend?", I would just wait for DD to ask. And try to avoid DD going there, have the friend back to yours.

If the friendship continues then you should have some light-hearted conversations with DD to address your concerns about the other family's activities, and a reminder of what is right and wrong. But bear in mind that DD will almost certainly repeat what you say, so chose your words 😂

For what it's worth, I had a similar friend when I was about 7. The more my mum tried to influence me not to play with her, the more I dug my heels in and continued. If my mum had made less fuss, I probably wouldn't have found them so fascinating.

They are 5, I wouldn't be worrying about secondary school at this point.

SalmonEile · 08/03/2025 21:15

How long was the holiday and how often have you met up since?
DD is 5 , she’s probably more enamored with the idea of this child than the child herself.
if you’re worried about friends for secondary school then I think get your child to do some activities outside of school

Fourpintsoffullfatplease · 08/03/2025 21:16

Am I reading it right that's she's 5?? Why on earth would you be concerning yourself about secondary??

Original poster

HoNo · 08/03/2025 21:16

@Vestigially I worry as they've been utterly obsessed with each other for the last 18 months or so, prior to it becoming apparent that the family were criminals I had encouraged this friendship and had the girl over a lot

OP posts:

FondantFancyFan · 08/03/2025 21:17

Train to be a community police officer & they'll drop you like a hot potato!

Skipsy · 08/03/2025 21:29

God no, they aren’t at the same school ,there’s absolutely no need for you to facilitate this friendship. If they were smokers at home or owned an XL bully would you be merrily talking your daughter along for a play date? Why would it be any different for people who engage in criminal behaviour? Edited to say that my d. was friends with someone until their parent ended up in a full on fight outside the school gates…sometimes you have to steer them away!

BangingOn · 08/03/2025 22:06

Is your daughter aged 5 or in year 5? You say she’s 5 but you’re also talking about secondary school and them meeting at holiday club 18 months ago.

tinygingermum · 09/03/2025 01:05

They are 5 so I really wouldn’t worry about secondary school friendships yet, chances are they won’t get into the same school anyway. Maybe keep play dates to your house so that you can keep an eye on them

coxesorangepippin · 09/03/2025 01:08

Er she's 5??

Just let the friendship fizzle out naturally?? Si don't encourage it

Last thing I'd want is my child hanging around with petty criminals??

Halloumiheaven · 09/03/2025 01:10

I wouldn't like that influence no.

I'd do a slow fade and try to immerse her with other children, she's 5. Children are very fickle with friendships at that age.

A lot of the "oh my god , Emily has been friends with Tilly since they were 2 and they're still besties now they're 9" a lot of the time is because the mums are actually the friends.

NotVeryFunny · 09/03/2025 02:03

They are 5. And it's incredibly unlikely she would be influenced by this one family/child to any extent. Influence also works both ways!

Blogswife · 09/03/2025 02:45

My children weren’t friends with anyone at secondary school that they were friends with at 5 !
I doubt very much that this child will remain your daughter’s only friend - you’ve got plenty of time to steer her in the direction of other children .

RamsestheDamned · 09/03/2025 03:00

Hang on, they're five. Why are you worrying about secondary school? That's a bit dramatic. Deal with this as it comes. They could have a minor tiff next week and not be friends anymore over it, repeat ad nauseam.
Is this your first born? Do you have other kids? I think you're being rather silly.

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