Don't want to buy a house with wife

[Canbanpan]

My wife and I have been married for 11 years and it's been a struggle for us both. We currently rent but are in the process of buying. We have had so many arguments that it's clear neither one of us is happy. The kids have picked up on our unhappiness.
I want to tell her that we should separate but she is not going to take it tell at all.

Maybe she will take it better if you think through how it’s actually going to work.

Are you going to have the kids full time with you or do you want them 50:50 with your wife ?

How do you plan to arrange childcare around your work ? How will you cover school holidays , sick days etc ? have you spoken to your boss about flexible working / compressed hours / working from home / going part time so you can care for your children? Or will you need to change jobs ?

Are you and the kids moving out and where are you going to live? Can you get another property from your existing landlord ? It will need to be in the same area of course as I’m assuming that you don’t want your kids to have to change school or nursery .

you need to come up with a plan for all these things - one that puts the needs of your children first and covers all the main issues. That way she will know that you are serious.

I wonder how much the wife has had to give up to have those kids. It’s not a definite in today’s world but it still likely. Is that anything to do with why you argue? How easy is she going to find it to rebuild a life as a woman with kids? Has she still got a job and career? Does it pay enough in a sexist world to pay for life in your part of Britain, when it’s known that austerity has impacted women more than men and women’s work is habitually lower paid - by jobs, but more insidiously by sector?

Nobody is going to take the news of separation well. But that shouldn't matter. As previous poster mentioned what matters is the practical arrangements about shared parenting. Unless, of course, you are just planning on skipping into the sunset as a single person leaving most/all of your responsibilities behind.

YABU. You can’t put off a conversation like that just because you’re scared she isn’t going to take it well. With kindness… you need to grow up and learn how to let her down or make it work. Either option means talking through it together and taking responsibility for the outcome.

We cannot make it work. There are constant arguments, we might have a decent patch when we don't argue for a month but then it all falls apart.

All you can do is be honest with her OP. Separation is never easy, it’s not something anyone ever enjoys whether you’re the one instigating it or not.

Have a think about what it is you want and then start the conversation with your wife.

If you are going to split, split before you buy.

What are you actually arguing about?
I think it’s quite unfair if she’s been a stay at home mum and done all her mum duties/ taken care of the DC, and now that’s all done and dusted you want to move on 11 years later now it’s easier alone.
It sounds quite calculated that you have waited 11 years to decide your done, now the dc are not that young i imagine and now she will be left in the shit if she’s stayed home for the family which has done you a huge favour.

She obviously knows you're not happy. So sit down with her and tell her how you feel. Tell her that since you started the ball rolling to buy the house it's made you realise what a big commitment it is for your both, and as it's clear neither of you are happy, you've decided that you don't want to proceed with the purchase, and would prefer to go your separate ways.

In the meantime, have you thought about who would have the kids, and for how long, ie., are you planning on being a weekend only parent, a 50/50 split, or do you just want to walk away? Think also about how much living alone will cost you, particularly how you are going to continue to fund raising your children, as paying your share doesn't just stop if you walk away.

Split before buying.

Well, I doubt anyone who isn't the instigator of divorce takes it well. That doesn't mean people stay married. Don't buy a house. Set out in your mind what you want to happen and how you want to say it and then be (gently) honest with your wife. (By gently, I mean just stick to the general reason for divorce, like you're both unhappy and have been for some time. There's no need to list all her faults or mistakes.)

You can’t buy a house with her. See a lawyer, find out how things look, talk to her, make a plan to divorce.

Well i’m sure the conversation won’t go well, but you’d be mad to buy a house when your relationship is so poor. For the kids sake if nothing else, end it.

If you're arguing about the same things there's been a breakdown in communication. Do either of you compromise or do you both dig your heels in?

You could try couple's counselling to help work on your communication.

Don't over-complicate things by buying a house.

Break up and stop wasting each others time.

You’ll both be grateful with time x

Firstly I would always try to go to couple's counselling to see if there is any way to save the marriage, to learn to communicate better and to talk about your expectations with each other.

If this all fails then everything @0ctavia said, how will this work in real terms going forward if you do separate. A lot of people think about the exit without thinking about the practicalities of where to live, how childcare will work, school runs, school holidays and often the hardest, Christmas and the potential move of one parent to be closer to family for support.

You can't go ahead with a major joint purchase if you know your circumstances are likely to change and she doesn't. It's time to be frank.

Arguments can be healthy- monthly arguments could be fine provided they’re healthy.

So that alone wouldn’t be the end for me.

So you need to work out you’re going to making co parenting (parenting when seperated) work.