Kids on a different path - parent friendship struggling

[HappyCrab]

So we are several families that met when kids were babies.
We've been close for 20+ years. Socialised together, kids are best mates. It's been great and made the childhood phase, it really has.
We live in a semi rural area. Kids are all mostly grown up now and doing their own thing. Mine are going to uni. And because we live somewhere semi rural and very white, I absolutely want them to go, spread their wings, find out about life and culture and know there is more to life than where they grew up, lovely as it is. Plus both my kids are pretty bright and opportunity round here is limited to say the least.
The other kids in the friendship group are staying local, doing apprenticeships, labouring, whatever they feel like doing. They all seem to know what they want, including ours. Great!
However, the parents all see uni as a waste of time and money and are vocal about it. To the point where when we are all having conversations about the kids and what they are up to, me and DH have to play down how well our 2 are doing. It makes us feel like they see us as being superior in some way. Which we aren't. Because they are all anti uni they rarely ask how ours are doing anyway. And when the kids moved away we never got any support over the Wrench of them leaving home. Yet there were tears from another mother when her son went on a 3 week holiday.
We feel that when they go on about being no point in uni (frequently if anybody else we know is applying) we can't say why we were eager for our kids to go because it feels like a stab at them because theirs stayed local.
Crap situation to not be able to blow your own kids trumpets when they are all puffing up about theirs.
Friends for a season, reason or a lifetime :(

I went to Uni - I enjoyed it. Other people I know are even more successful and content career wise without having gone and free of that debt.

I agree with uni is good, do it.

I agree with don't bother, it's a waste of time also.

No one is right here.

All your post screams to me is it is time you tend to your needs, your hobbies, your passion, everything you ever wanted that has nothing to do with your kids or husband or anyone.

You'll never win in this scenario. If you sense people are being dicks, that their comments are digs, you could laugh and change subject ( to you and your new hobbies, not kid stuff). Or you could say ' I don't know if you meant it to come across like that '.

They will say ' what do you mean, I don't mean anything '

And you say', my child is going to/ at Uni, so I just wondered the intent when you then say it's a waste of time knowing my child is doing that.

And see how that goes. Takes courage though. They prob won't say that again but you'll get the ' you're too sensitive look'. They will shut up though I'm sure.

When you start looking after you and all the things for you that are not attached to being a mum, you won't give a fuck what people say. You also won't need validation through your children's achievement, which this is alot of.

Don't worry, we all bloody do that. I do it! It's a daily lesson to stop it. ❤️

Maybe you need to stand up a bit to their comments. "Each to their own, but please stop insulting our choices. Both paths are valid."

If they can't show some tact, maybe they're not the right friends for you anymore. You live in the same place and have kids the same age, but maybe your world views are too opposite.

Thanks for the reply. And different perspective - validation through the kids. Probably right!
I guess the friendships were built on the kids and that's the fundamental link. And because theirs all still socialise and see each other all the time it's a large proportion of the conversation.
More time with friendships not built on and around the kids?

But they're not the OP's choices, they're her children's. OP, it may simply be that you've outgrown these friendships, which only really worked when your kids collectively all seemed to be on the same page, were at school etc. If you feel there's more to the friendships than this, and that they're worth saving, then I think you need to address it in the same way as you would address very different political opinions being vocalised or the like. Are your children all still in touch? Do they see one another when they're home in the vac?

It's true that some friendships don't survive the children moving on. I would said I was very close for years to the dad of the geographically nearest friend in DS's primary school friendship group. Even when the other child moved schools when his parents split up, we still saw a lot of one another on the weekends, when he lived with his dad, and the kids did things together, we swapped babysitting etc. But he started to board this past autumn, and though the boys are still in touch, that friendship is dead as a dodo.

Yes, exactly

They sound like they are limiting their kid's life choices sadly, and not helping them be as independent as they could be. My mum was like this and I now resent her for it.

Friendships change over time, and it's ok to recognise when a friendship is no longer serving you in the positive way it once did.

You can ease up on it, and let space be there to welcome in the potential for new friendships, that have more to give back :)

Not really.
No falling out at all and if they are all in the same room they still get on really well. But nobody has been to visit in the uni cities which is sad and a real missed opportunity for young adults.
One son in particular has a very diverse group of friends and I feel the home crowd are a bit wary of that. He's changed. Personally I love it, neither me or DH are from the rural area. The rest have never moved away. So our outlook is broader shall we say.

It's a shame people can't just respect other people's and their children's choices.
My son is at uni
best friend no 1 has twins - one is headed for uni, the other has dropped out of college and an apprenticeship and is now going to train as a tree surgeon. I'm so thrilled for him as he has really struggled to find his path
Best friend no 2 - 2 adult kids. My God daughter got a first from Edinbugh and is now in Dubai doing a corporate job. He older brother has also struggled to find his path but has recently moved to run a cafe/ book shop. Thrilled for him too.
Maybe the difference is we were friends before kids came along.
Is maintaining these friendships worth not feeling free to talk about your children's achievements?

It sounds like friendships based on having children and now it's run it's course. I would speak up about how great your kids are finding Uni and how pleased you are that they are broadening their horizons and meeting people from all walks of life. The other parents aren't worried about hurting your feelings, are they? So I wouldn't worry about making them feel you're being critical of them. They sound pretty closed minded to be honest, I'd probably just let the friendships drift.

I’d be a bit more vocal. Next time they say “uni is a waste of time” say “I don’t agree at all but each to their own”

Because if you can’t be honest what’s the point anyway. Or just stop meeting up.

These people are jealous of you, op

They’re insecure. They wouldn’t need to justify what their kids are doing in such a strident way otherwise. It’s a pity because it sounds like their kids are not.

I’d say “each to their own, our kids are enjoying uni,” and see if they refer to it again.

I think you are taking this all way too seriously and seem a bit self conscious about your values. Maybe the other parents are picking up on this.

Meh, the social circle I knew when kids were growing up were friends for that season. A couple became lifelong but not the majority. I just cba to spend a whole evening talking about my adult kids with or listening to them bore on about theirs. So just slow fade and exit, move onto new chapters and meet new people.

Sounds like you don’t really have a lot in common and the situation that brought you together - ie kids together and friends at school - doesn’t exist any more. They sound like a very inward looking and parochial bunch and talking endlessly about adult children is boring as hell. I guess they don’t have a lot else to talk about. I would continue to meet up if you’re really enjoying it. But they won’t stop with the comments about university/life beyond Small-White-Hill so don’t feel you have to keep putting up with it for old times’ sake.

You sound just as judgemental of them and their choices as you perceive they are of yours. If you've been friends this long I would expect you to now have more shared values and interests than just the children. If not, perhaps it's time to find new friends.

They're rude. Can't you mention it if they're such good friends, in a light hearted way - "hey hold up, I'm not wasting my money on DS! He's doing great and having the time of his life" or whatever

Uni is a waste of time, for some people, so I’d say that. I don’t think it’s viable to keep these relationships unless you address this issue tbh so either let them drift away or join in proudly with tales (good and bad) about what your kids are doing. You should equally be inquisitive about their kids, don’t assume (not saying you are) that just because their kids have stayed close to home that their lives aren’t interesting.

Your posts make it sound like you look down on these rural ambitionless untalented folks, I wonder if they realise.

Quite enmeshed. Shouldn't have engineered friendships in the first place. There is nothing in common.

I absolutely want them to go, spread their wings, find out about life and culture and know there is more to life than where they grew up, lovely as it is. Plus both my kids are pretty bright and opportunity round here is limited to say the least.

I do get the nuance of what you mean by this, but it is very close to tipping over into 'the less bright kids stay local'.

If this is the truth of how you really feel it will be felt by people even if you don't plainly say it. This might be causing a bit of bad feeling.

Tbh your friendships have probably lasted longer than most - my NCT friendships went by the wayside once the kids reached secondary school for the same reasons you’ve cited. Your children take different paths and it feels as though you have to underplay or diminish your child’s achievements OR cover up their struggles. It has taken me a few years to work out that, underlying this, we really only had our kids developmental stages and our post codes in common. In hindsight I wish I’d branched out and made a wider friendship circle sooner, but I am where I am, doing it a bit later.

It’s not a reflection on you. Just a fact of life that you and your children are on different wavelengths.

It's a shame people can't just respect other people's and their children's choices.

I agree, @Ted27. I try hard to be pleased for my friends when their children do something that they want to do with their lives even if it doesn’t make complete sense to me personally!

I think these “friends” aren’t real friends tbh.

That's how it's coming over to me too.

Me too, tbh.