Dating a hospitality worker

[Hartey40]

So I started seeing a man nearly 3 years ago, after my divorce (I am 54) he is Spanish and he is front of house/head waiter for a very popular restaurant.

When we first met I didn't mind seeing him after he finished, around 10ish, but he moved to a different restaurant about 2 years ago, it's further away and he doesn't drive and it's longer hours, most nights it's after 11pm when he arrives home and I'm too tired to stay up much longer, as I work school hours so I've been up early.

He is supposed to have Sundays off, he will have 2/3 off, but then works them again for extra money.

I'm just finding it really hard and quite frankly lonely. I see other couples on the weekend doing stuff together and feel envious (yes I knew what he did for a Job when I met him)

He doesn't seem the problem as he has done this job since the age of 14,when he helped his dad out in the bar he owned, so he doesn't know any different

A lot of my friends are married etc., so not free to see me on weekends my single friends go out looking for men, not my scene plus I'm not single.

Can anyone else relate or have any kind words of wisdom

Thanks x

A couple of chefs and front of house people in my family and that is just how it is I’m afraid.
One has never had Christmas Day with his DC as he’s cooking for hotel guests every Christmas, so gets his Christmas Day on Boxing Day. One is divorced, one nearly divorced but did eventually manage to job change. It’s a tough life for the workers and a lonely life for their spouses.
What did you do weekend wise before you met him?

DH and I worked shifts for years, the vast majority being opposite to enable childcare each end of the day. Been married over 20 years and never found it to be an issue. I think if it's right you find a way to make it work. If it's not, or one person is less invested in the relationship it doesn't.

I worked in hospitality (hotel work) for many years and it is a way of life. Nights become longer and days shorter, your "weekend" is Mon/Tues instead of Sat/Sun. Its hard to maintain a relationship with someone who works regular 9 to 5 Mon to Fri hours. You miss out on nights out, family events and Christmas etc. Even catching up with friends from outside of work is hard.

If you want things to work you need to work hard at making time for each other and try not to compare yourself to others.

How old is he? x

If it doesn't work for you (and it clearly doesn't), then you end it. It's just what the job requires, like being married to a consultant on call means he needs to stay within whatever distance of the hospital and leave if called in. I get that it's tough. It's why restaurant people often date other restaurant people, so they're on a similar schedule. A lot of chef friends are in relationships with other people in the industry.

@mumofoneAlonebutokay 54

@Hoppingeaster I didn't see your comment before it was deleted?

That's just life with a shift worker, unfortunately. There's not really anything he can do about it. It's not for everyone though, so if you're struggling then there's no shame in ending the relationship and finding someone you feel more compatible with.

I would end things tbh

You sound like miranda and steve in sex and the city

I disagreed that she should date him. Just because he was nice, doesn't mean his lifestyle matched hers

And I think that its the same here. You've given it a go, and things will not change, op. He's 54, this is who he is

Its up to you, but you wouldn't be wrong to choose yourself and start dating other people. Life is for enjoying yourself and being happy 💕

Do you love him op? That's the bottom line surely?

Hospitality folk often date each other because of this. It really helps if you're a night owl, and probably won't work if you're early to bed, early to rise and/or like routine,

I don't think that's the bottom line. It's perfectly possible to love someone and to still decide that the relationship isn't working for them for some fundamental reason.

@TulipCat He has never dated anyone in the same industry oddly. His 2 previous relationships didn't work maybe for the same reason x

@Hartey40 it wouldn't be my choice to date someone

Ffs sorry.
It wouldn't be my choice to date someone on a completely different working pattern to me but how much do you want to stay with him?

I don't think it's reasonable to expect him to change what he does at this stage so I guess the choices are accept it or end the relationship.

If you stay with him then you need to develop a fuller social life. I'm confused about your friends tbh. So the married ones never go out with their friends and the single ones only want to pull. That seems unusual.

@Gravytanned I only have a handful of friends...my married ones or ones with partners I do see but not at weekends, that's always been the case. My single friends are part of a social group that I am in, and yes the 2 i do go out with, occasionally, are wanting to meet someone. Other friendships are work colleagues, who don't see outside work. I think being over 50 and divorced does change friendships x