Compassion fatigue - ask wife to not complain

[BePoisedCritic]

My wife likes to have a moan and complain. She has always been like this but has progressively become more vocal about things. She has a medical condition which makes things harder for her, and I absolutely understand her need to vent. However, I have become exhausted listening to the constant complaining. Today she has told me 1) I am balding; 2 she didn’t sleep well; 3 she is tired; 4 she has a sore throat; 5 i wasn’t appropriately dressed up enough to go outside. Just lots of her telling me what she is thinking.
I’ve started to dread spending time with her because I’ll just be hit with a stream of negativity.
I just want to tell her to be quiet and that I don’t exist to I serve her every whim. She doesn’t work and we have a cleaner that does the bulk of the house work.
Other than her tendency to complain, everything is pretty good. She is a good wife, friend, mother.

can I just tell her that it would be nice to have a weekend where she doesn’t list every problem she has.

I've been with someone like that, they just used to rant about the world, especially other drivers when we were in the car. It is really draining. It was usually the same rants over and over, litter, dog poo, state of the country. I used to ask them to stop and they would say "but it's true". I would say it might be true but what's the point of going on about it. Eventually I would say "it's a lovely sunny day let's talk about positive things" Sometimes this worked, sometimes not. I think they get so used to moaning they don't realise they are doing it.

If you want to stay in a happy marriage you definitely need to communicate your feelings- otherwise you’ll despise her.

Mood hoovers are exhausting. Hopefully she’s just fallen into a habit and take notice.

That does sound exhausting. I would also want a break from it. Not the same, but I was once married to someone who was angry everyday. I did try to change things, I even, out of exasperation, just told him he couldn't be angry every day - it loses any meaning otherwise. She wasn't this way before her health conditions set in?

She's unhappy. People who complain all the time are unhappy.

Constantly nit picking me would drive me mad and I'd ask her to stop.

Drains can badly affect our mental health. There's a thread here by an op whose mother phones every day to moanrant for HOURS.

Is it getting worse?

Pain can drag mood down. Is she receiving proper effective pain control?

Peri menopause can bulldoze us. Is she there yet? Is it being managed?

Is something actually wrong - financial worries, problems at work?

Is it you? Do you listen when it matters, communicate, show up, consider how you are around her?

Prepare some careful responses to her for next time.

I've noticed ...

When you ...

I feel ...

The consequence ...

Going forward, the future, next time ...

Not necessarily those words but the meaning:

I've been noticing recently that you don't seem very happy and it's coming out in your conversation.

I don't know if you've realised but when you go immediately to everything that's wrong, or making you angry, I feel sad and low, as though the only way we communicate now feels like a chance for you to vent.

So I start to get anxious about where each conversation is going to lead before we've even started talking.

Can we try focussing on nice, positive, peasant things? Then maybe one thing we can actually do something about.

That way our conversations will be happier for us both. What do you think?

The 3 positives before sleep

Ask her what you can do to help her stop being so negative all the time because you’re exhausted listening to her moaning. Sometimes people don’t realise they’re doing it and it does them no harm to be pulled up on it.

Pain is debilitating. However, being pain free and trouble free does not stop some people from constantly complaining. It wears you down. Many people view their glass as always being half empty rather than half full. They suck the joy.

I have little patience with it and no advice except to tell them.clearly that they are being a misery guts and it is bringing you down and you don't want to hear it.

How can she beva good wife and friend when you dread spending time with her? You definitely need to speak to her about it, but consider what you'll do if she can't/won't change.

I agree with this.

My DM was like this for years, she was so draining it was hard to be honest it’s her for any length of time.

She was like a changed woman once my dad died. I don’t think even she realised how unhappy she was.

I am ND and can fixate on negative things, especially when I am anxious about something else.
So if I am worried about something and not processing my emotions, I will complain about or notice loads of little things.

My husband and I have a "meeting" (we like to call it that as a joke) every Friday. On Fridays we each bring out a list of things we are upset about, we want to discuss, or even little petty things that have bothered us.

We both know we are going to be heard without interruption and that Friday evenings are set aside for this.

It has actually made us both a lot less petty because (for example) on a Tuesday we will write down something on our phones and then when we read it again during the week, we realise it was silly and not worth bringing up in Friday.

It has also helped us to notice common themes and helped us both be heard and notice patterns in our relationship that bother the other.

It's a really helpful stretegy and I don't drain DH with loads of little complaints through out the week (but I still get to share the things that are actually important).

My brother just came out of rehab after a broken ankle (he is 77 and lives alone). He said it was time, as a lot of the residents do nothing but complain. One his leaving one of the nurses called him Mr Positivo. And it works so much better to not wallow in all the negative stuff.

Be honest with her and tell her the constant negativity is bringing you down.

I cant be around negative people as it genuinely makes me feel ill after a certain time.

My ex was like this it dont get any better it just gets worse.
I got to the point i hated to be in the same room as him it was just moan moan moan about everything anything and everyone including me.
Never positive always negative about it all.
I once told him to shut up and stop the negative moaning then spent the next 3 days with him moaning and sulking about that and a further 3 weeks of him bringing it up.
I packed my bags a few weeks later and left without saying anything he wasnt home at the time i blocked him that day that was 9 and half years ago best thing ever.
I dont know what happened after that day as i changed my number that night to be sure he`s probably with someone else now moaning about how i left him without saying anything.

Honesty is the best policy with this one. My husband can be like this sometimes and I just have to remind him I’m not here to listen to every issue he has and to either do something about it or get over it.

His worst two that come up often are about work, it used to be every day and I would dread walking through the door as I would hear the same old rubbish about how his job is crap, the same people irritated him. I just said if you hate it that much, then get a new job because I’m not interested in hearing you moan about people when i have no idea who they are or what you are talking about (system issues)

The other one is when we are mid conversation whilst we are driving (normally me driving) and someone will cut me up. I do love to beep my horn on occasion but after that it’s done, sometimes I just say ‘what a dick’ and that’s it. He will then start ranting, giving the finger etc from the passenger seat like a complete and utter idiot. It drives me bloody mad and makes me jump sometimes. I’ve told him if he can’t keep his mouth shut he can drive his own car.

Time for some straight talking, OP.

I couldn’t put up with that level of constant negativity & moaning so I would shut it down fairly bluntly. Tell her straight that you’re sick & tired of listening to her moaning and tell her to change the record. Ask her what she wants or expects you to do about the thing she’s moaning about. You will probably have to do it repeatedly until the penny drops. Good luck.

Sounds like she's got too much time on her hands and she's focusing on endless trivia. Are you both retired?