Not not know how to be a proper adult? And support my kids

Taytoface · 2025-03-07T23:02:01+00:00

This site has helped me through some really tricky parts of my life. Relationships, feminism, pregnancy loss. And with the help of the women here I have made some good decisions and found some real peace. Now I am in a different place. I am 50, 2 kids primary aged kids. No inheritance coming. And I don't know how to plan for living a life today, whilst thinking about supporting a future for my kids. Is any one else chewing on this? Any sources of wisdom welcome. I feel very lost. Is there a magic formula?

FondantFancyFan · 08/03/2025 03:09

Ho OP didn't want to read and run, can you provide a bit more information. Are you a lone parent or in a relationship and are you working?

Your age is making me think you're perimenopausal hence feeling lost and emotionally bereft. Have you seen a Dr recently?

GreyCarpet · 08/03/2025 06:03

I'm the same age and a similar position re inheritance as you, OP, but I'm also not entirely sure what you're asking.

Do you mean support them financially eg with university or housebuying or just generally in life?

Catza · 08/03/2025 08:30

You don't plan for the future of your kids. I know this is going to raise eyebrows but that's still a viable option. You give them and yourself the best life they can have right now and accept the fact that not everyone will leave school with a university fund and a house deposit. My mum was a single parent, she did her best to care for me when I was a child. But as soon as I left school, I worked, studied and saved money for my first mortgage all by myself and I am incredibly proud to have been able to do that without putting extra pressure and stress on my mum.

MarioJumbo · 08/03/2025 08:37

Catza · 08/03/2025 08:30

You don't plan for the future of your kids. I know this is going to raise eyebrows but that's still a viable option. You give them and yourself the best life they can have right now and accept the fact that not everyone will leave school with a university fund and a house deposit. My mum was a single parent, she did her best to care for me when I was a child. But as soon as I left school, I worked, studied and saved money for my first mortgage all by myself and I am incredibly proud to have been able to do that without putting extra pressure and stress on my mum.

This 100%

if you give them excellent emotional support now - they’ll be able to handle whatever life throws at them

verycloakanddaggers · 08/03/2025 08:45

Do you mean just financially or more broadly? It might be helpful to think about your values in terms of what you want to pass on.

It can be inspiring to look at stories of people who came from regular or tough/impoverished backgrounds who got what they needed from their parents - there are lots of examples and it's just finding the ones that speak to you.

Ginmonkeyagain · 08/03/2025 08:52

Why do you need to plan a future for your children? As others have said support them, love them, provide a safe and supportive home and they will figure it out.

My dad was a low income single parent, the last money I got from him was £200 on th day I started university but he has constantly supported me emotionally and practically, he always made it clear there was a home for me to go to if I needed it. As an adult I have a good career, a house and a good relationship. I am not sure why peope feel the need to plan thier children's futures - support and nurture them and moat will figure it out. Yes it is nice to give your adult children financial support but not everyone can and that is ok.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 08/03/2025 08:56

You are not alone, a lot of us are winging it.

I was on a similar financial situation. I saved small amounts, it'll never be enough for a house deposits, but it'll help with education or a small first car.

It's up to your children too, set them on the right road, they can earn their own money, like millions of other young people.

Don't focus on the negatives, I'm sure you have given your DC priceless valuable love, that is much more security than money.

Sidge · 08/03/2025 10:18

I think the concept of supporting your kids well into adulthood in financial terms is quite unusual outside of MN.

I don't know anyone in my peer group (and we all have older teens or young adult children) who has given their child a house deposit, or received a hefty inheritance.

What we have done is housed, fed, educated, loved, supported and nurtured our young children so that as young adults they are capable of independence.

Monr0e · 08/03/2025 10:30

Catza · 08/03/2025 08:30

You don't plan for the future of your kids. I know this is going to raise eyebrows but that's still a viable option. You give them and yourself the best life they can have right now and accept the fact that not everyone will leave school with a university fund and a house deposit. My mum was a single parent, she did her best to care for me when I was a child. But as soon as I left school, I worked, studied and saved money for my first mortgage all by myself and I am incredibly proud to have been able to do that without putting extra pressure and stress on my mum.

This was also me, my mum was a single parent, she gave me the best life possible within her means and I am now doing the same for my 2 dc.

Myself and DH have no inheritance coming our way from either side. Eldest dc is at uni but has chosen to stay home so is managing to self fund through student loans. Completely his choice, DD will possibly do the same.

We do own our home so we know our dc's will inheritance that, all being well, but hopefully that is a long way in the future. In the meantime they will have to do what we did which was work and save.

The one thing we have drummed into them is that they will always have a home with us. Which hopefully they won't need forever! But that gives them some security as they get older until they are able to afford to live independently.