Be honest with daughter about my concerns re her relationship

[GodDamnItFML]

first time poster so please be gentle 🫣

my daughter (25) has finally found someone she cares about and at first I thought her new partner was lovely and was so happy that my DD had found someone worthy of committing to

HOWEVER, after spending more time with them as a couple I’m noticing a very unhealthy dynamic.

DD partner (female two years older) has quite high anxiety levels and seems quite demanding and isn’t afraid to talk down to my daughter in our presence so I can only imagine how she talks to my DD behind closed doors.

My parents were very interfering in my first marriage and this pushed me away so am hesitant to repeat their mistakes but at the same time I’m really worried.

what should I do?

I would approach this with your daughter, start by saying you are reluctant to say anything as you don’t want to appear interfering like your parents did to you but you have noticed her partner speaks to her in not a nice way and had she noticed -
sometimes it just takes for someone else to notice for you to take it more seriously X

If you have a nice relationship then I think you can be gently honest and have some examples.

And ask her questions because it is far more powerful for her to say the words aloud rather than you feeding her. Does that make sense?

so questions like… How does it make you feel when she says that? When she says that- would you say that’s typical?

And say- my parents got really into my marriage and so I don’t want to do that but also I want to register my concern with you, because I am a bit concerned.

You talking to her is different to your parents interfering as you have valid concerns.

As someone closer to your daughter's age, I wouldn't frame it as being a bit 'concerned', I would feel patronised and defensive. Maybe try some very light and nice question only after youve said something nice about DD.

Actually probably best thing though, in my opinion, would be just to try to talk to her about her GF (you being positive) so she will talk and feel able to talk about her - and then she may even tell you her concerns herself.

In my the past I've been more able to share concerns about partner with someone I know likes them so it's not harming their relationship