To not want the family tagging along for playdates

[ThePartyArtist]

My child (8) has a close friend at school. The kids have played at both houses and attended parties. Am I being unreasonable to expect the friend to attend without a parent in tow? To clarify - no SEN, not shy etc. Kids have been friends since age 5 so both families know each other.

If it's an afterschool playdate he comes on his own cos I collect him from school. But when the playdate begins at the house (as opposed to school) the parents seem to think they are invited.

Some examples:

1. Invited friend over, the mum tells me her husband will accompany and facilitate a board game for the kids cos her kid is asking to play it. When I said it's not convenient and I can't host adults, she insisted he'd still come but I needn't host him. I had to be really firm that the dad should not come. I said if the board game is important then my child could come to their house for it. She got the message in the end but I was left feeling rude and inhospitable.

2. Invited the friend over for drop off- arranged with the mum. The dad came into the house and stayed for 3hr. I had things to do and didn't feel up to socialising.

3. Invited friend to a visitor attraction as a birthday treat for my child. The mum said the whole family will come and meet us there as they have annual passes - but I don't want a day out with them all!

4. Bumped into them at a visitor attraction and observed them hovering over their kids playing. By comparison, we sat in a cafe overlooking the playground but at considerable distance. Wonder if they want to be overly involved when it comes to their kids.

It's getting irritating as they don't seem to have the same norms as we do about when to drop your kid off. Don't know if they don't trust me (but then surely you'd engineer the playdate to be at your house). Or perhaps they are overly involved as parents.

How do I keep the kids' friendship up but not have the annoying parents in my house?!

Sorry they sound nuts.

"Unclench Sandra/David little Henry will be fine"

"Drop off is fine I'm not up for adult company"

Honestly they sound batshit. I was always so grateful for play dates and was keen to return the favour, you would think they would be happy to get some shopping done in peace etc

4. Bumped into them at a visitor attraction and observed them hovering over their kids playing. By comparison, we sat in a cafe overlooking the playground but at considerable distance. Wonder if they want to be overly involved when it comes to their kids.

Their kid probably told them this ^ is your parenting style and they're worried by it but don't want to ruin the friendship between the children.

‘’I’m not up for adult company’’ is a very odd thing to say to someone dropping their 8 yo child at your house 🤔

@Carrotcakeeelover it really isn't odd. When you have kids over for a play date you keep an eye whilst you do your own chores. I wonder what is wrong with peoples boundaries nowadays.

Helicopter parenting at its most batshit. That’s stifling - imagine not letting your children play without you needing to be part of it or watching.

Hm, I think it sounds like they are worried by the freedom you give yours. Maybe they feel you don’t watch them to the level they are comfortable with. Not a criticism, by the way, just a difference in what’s comfortable.

My daughter (10) has a friend who is allowed to go out and about around the town on her own, down the park etc. i don’t let her go there for play dates because i don’t want her to do those things yet. They do play dates at ours.

This would annoy me too, I would be really on edge if one of DCs friends parents insisted on accompanying their child in my home - who wants a random man sitting in their living room playing board games with the kids. Really odd.

Don't invite the child over?
Arrange to meet elsewhere, accept parents are likely to come too but at least it's not in your house and you can decide when you leave.

They're 8 YEARS not 8 months... They should be able to play in a playground without adults hovering!

I think they don't trust you.

Id stop inviting them over tbh

@Ionut I offered no opinion on that, simply that they may be uncomfortable with it.

I'd definitely stop inviting them over.

"Invited the friend over for drop off- arranged with the mum. The dad came into the house and stayed for 3hr. I had things to do and didn't feel up to socialising."

I'd have said after 5 minutes 'Well thanks for settling Henry in John, you can be off now.'

Just the worst.

A playdate is a chance for parents to get on with stuff.

I would.be polite and try to.be very honest...say look I'm sorry and don't want to ge rude but I use the time the kids are playing to get on with stuff ...how about you or dad come.in for a cuppa when you collect

The teen years are gonna be hard for these folks, bless them.

I had this with one family. After I thought things were all fine with the kids, I said things like, "We'd love to have your DD over for a playdate. I'm working but it works brilliantly as except for snacks, I don't have to get to involved."

Or even more bluntly, "We can have your DD over next week but I can't do any other entertaining as I'm completely swamped."

Years down the line, I've also learnt that someimes when she come sin to collect and stays for a cuppa (totally fine) sometimes I have to tell her directly to leave "I think you guys should make a move in the next few minutes - I need to get on with dinner and DH and DS will be home from rugby so it's all goign to be chaos around here"! She's fine with that, I'm fine with that, but it would have been awkward in the early years!

This is bonkers, I live for the drop and play dates/birthday parties.

The one time I had a parent stay they asked in advance if I minded as they had only recently (in the last 6 months) adopted the child so was understandably nervous but made a point of saying she didnt need to entertained and they wouldn't stay long etc. She even made me a cup to tea!

It sounds crazy. I mean we all know one like this but you seem to have met plenty overprotective parents OP. I'm lucky my son isn't friends with that boy anymore cause his mum, although nice enough was just overbearing. Even when they were 9 y old playing nicely in my son's room she had to place herself in the living room so she could see him. Like what do you think is going to happen ? That my son will attack him? They were both nice, calm boys who played really nicely together so it was really weird to have her hoovering over them non stop.

To counter all the other posts, I wonder whether they might just not take a hint easily and haven't noticed the shift as their kid got older in how these kind of invitations are managed. When they are small, you do stay and you do join for a day out together, it's pretty standard when they are toddlers. At some point you realise that's not the case any more, but what if they just... haven't realised? Just say to them outright that you can drop him off at x time and pick him up at x time. Or you pick the kid up from them and they collect at the end.

Given they are apparently happy for the kid to come alone after school then it seems really odd that they are helicoptering on other occasions. Given you have tried being blunt and they are oblivious I think the only option left is to ONLY host their child on after school playdates.

Or possibly engineer a very clear invitation along the lines of ' I'm going to be busy with visitors/spring cleaning/wfh/painting a mural on the ceiling ir whatever, would little Katy like to come over so dd has someone to keep her occupied'
But tbh I'd just not bother with anything other than after school visits for several months/years.

How on earth did the dad manage to stay for 3 hours on a pick up? Like what did he do during that time? Did you feed and water him? Out of all the examples I find that one most bizarre. My planned meet ups with friends don't usually last that long!

Are they Indian or South Asian? I am and we don't generally do 'just child' playdates - I wonder if they feel pressured to let her go to yours for the playdates (or your child gets her so excited they can't say no)? You need to have an open and honest chat with the mum about it.

i made a friend on mat leave who invited me to a play centre type place , I arrived with my dd and she had her nana and grandad with her (as in her babies great grandparents) had to make small talk with a couple in their 80s as well as my ‘new pal’. Then she invited me to her house to use her new playroom, got there and her mum and 21 year old sister were there. I always just felt so weird. Final straw was she invited me to a mum and me yoga thing and I went and her mum was there again! I genuinely think she struggled to leave the house alone but why invite me!!