To be uneasy that DH has female colleagues who he messages often

[Beekeeper5]

DH and I have been together since we were 20, married for 19 years. 2 DC, grown up. We have had a good, happy marriage but over the last year things have become awful and now have hit crisis point with him saying he wants to split up.
He has become good mates with 2 women at work (separately) Firstly I want to say I honestly don’t think he would be unfaithful. He is a very sociable person and has lots of friends. Over the last year he and these women Will WhatsApp each other several evenings a week. Lots of banter, jokey stuff. Nothing flirty but definitely quite matey as he would, and does, with male colleagues.
I’m perimenopausal and think I am extra sensitive and easily upset about this. We’ve had so many rows about it, but he insists he is doing nothing wrong, and while I’m being so angry with him, he needs all his mates to lift his spirits. I admit I have been pretty miserable to live with and quite emotionally over the place. He was supportive at the beginning, coming to the GP etc.
Now he said I am being controlling, he feels monitored and that I’m treating him like an emotional punchbag. I feel so ashamed and upset because we have been so good together before this all started up. He’s had a year of it and says he just can’t deal with it anymore.
I really don’t want to split up, I want us to be happy. He has said if it was the other way round and he was telling me who I could and couldn’t message it would be a massive red flag. But I do t tell him who he can be friends with (he has several other female friends) but it’s the need to message and chat out of hours, at weekends, when he’s on a train journey etc that makes me think why? And that I’m not enough which I always feel I have been until recently.
I just don’t know what to do. AIBU to feel uneasy about this or just need to accept it?
has anyone else been through this and come through it?

From your description of your behaviour and how that’s changed, I wonder if he genuinely does just need friends and that’s truly all it is. Using the train journey as an example, is he just seeking company in a non sexual way because you’re not able to be companionable with him (this is based on your description of you at the moment, I wouldn’t normally suggest this)? Obviously this needs to be addressed because it’s all too easy for the innocent to become something more, but surely the key here is for you to work on the way you’re treating him, and fast, rather than focusing on who he’s got as his own support network, given that you know it is genuinely just as friends?

Thank you, that’s really helpful to hear

All of my friends at work are male. I text them often. Absolutely just as friends. All are married, as am I, I really hope none of their wives feel the same as you.

I have male friends I WhatsApp with - I doubt (or hope) their partners don't think us sending each other stupid memes and jokes is some kind of gateway drug to an illicit affair.

But his friendships with female colleagues is almost a red herring because you've said he wants to split up.

We have had a good, happy marriage but over the last year things have become awful and now have hit crisis point with him saying he wants to split up.

This specific issue wouldn't bother me - my husband and I both have friends who are men and women and I would not appreciate him having any opinion about that. Nor would I have any opinion about his friendships.

Our marriage isn't in a good place but this has nothing to do with it. I think you should stop talking about this and decide whether to work on the relationship or not.

Yes, I see what you mean. it’s only in the last week that he said he can’t deal with it anymore and wants to split up. Until last week he had always said he didn’t

What has happened/changed in the past year to make things so awful @Beekeeper5? It seems a short space of time to go from happy to him wanting to split up

As you've said, he messages other male colleagues / friends the same way. So your issue is with them being female.

If you've started so many rows about it and become miserable to live with etc then I can understand why he needs friends to help keep him sane!

If I'd had a year of my husband being miserable to live with, angry about my friends and who I spoke to, picking rows about it + being his emotional punchbag then I'd probably be at the end of my tether. Especially if I'd had to repeatedly assure him I didn't want to break up, I'd probably get to a point I did too!

I guess it’s this messaging that has made me feel very insecure. I think it’s the perfect storm of my increased anxiety, self confidence dip and these two new women who has such a laugh with.

Are you doing anything to try and address your anxiety and moods? HRT/CBT etc? I have found St John's Wort helpful in the past when I have been feeling down (I was allergic to the antidepressants the GP prescribed).

I am 47 and can feel quite low/anxious at certain times of the month. I assume it's hormone related. It does pass though. If I started to feel this way more often I'd definitely need/want to do something about it as I think I'd also become very difficult to live with!

Thanks for your message, yes I’m on HRT and antidepressants but both low doses. I think it must be hormone related because sometimes I’m ok about it (occasionally!) and other times seeing one of them is messaging him really upsets me. I think I will discuss with my GP as have an annual review coming up

Does he let you have access to his phone messages? Do you feel they are innocent?

i have seen them and they are all innocent. Just chat/jokey stuff. No kisses either so I feel relieved about that. I think it’s the frequency that worries me.

It sounds like you could use an HRT review, and he could use a reminder how bloody awful it is for women and how his actions and behaviour can help too.

I think the good thing is that you know you are not rational right now. The self awareness is what can get you through this. Would you have felt like this before the perimenopause? If so it might be worth getting some counselling. And I would always recommend couples counselling for being together as long as you have before splitting.

To me it sounds like genuine friendships.

Yes, this.

DH and I both have friends of the opposite sex, but if my conversations with them unsettled and upset DH I'd dial them back a bit. Because he is ultimately my priority. I'm sure he'd do the same for me.

How serious do you think he is about splitting up? Was it something said in the heat of the moment, or does it seem like a decision he’s truly considered?

Do you know these women? Is he messaging them separately, or are they part of a group chat?

From your OP, it sounds like he’s finding solace in two women who are making him laugh, rather than anything serious or underhand. It feels like a symptom of the problem, not a problem in itself, but that could always be a slippery slope to something else.

If I were you, I’d focus on opening an honest dialogue about how you’re feeling about yourself as a result of your - hopefully temporary - hormonal changes and anxiety, while also acknowledging how your behaviour might be affecting him. Ask him to be honest about that impact so you can work together to see if there’s a way forward. Focus on this rather than the messaging because it does sound like it’s an escape from being around you if you are not able to make him happy at the minute.

If you believe much of his unhappiness stems from the challenges you’re facing and are not rooted other longer term issues, I’d suggest asking him to xl couples counselling—if he’s willing—before he makes any final decisions about splitting up.

Have you ever considered that it could be a good thing he’s messaging female friends and getting support from a woman’s perspective. I know from experience that my guy friends at work have said it’s been really useful to talk to me when things haven’t been perfect at home because they get a female take on the situation and a bit of insight into how and why. Their male mates all tend to just echo the thoughts they are already having because the way they think is similar and obviously they haven’t and couldn’t experience the hormonal impacts of being blessed/cursed with a uterus.

Thanks so much for all these comments. I was really hoping they would take into account all these aspects as this is really reassuring!
And the fact I’m feeling quite emotional reading all these shows I’m probably quite hormonal atm!

I do know one of the women and she has actually made a point of messaging me too and being friendly. The other woman I don’t know at all but he does often tell me that she messages other (male) colleagues too.
I have asked him to dial it back a bit and he has done.

Because using a very old fashioned word he’s had enough of being henpecked!
My husband works in a predominantly female environment so naturally he has female friends, do I think he’s being unfaithful absolutely not! He often shares their messages with me particularly if they’re funny anecdotes!

Oh OP it sounds like you’ve had a bad time over the past year. Your post isn’t too clear about what’s changed- is it mental health related - perimenopause/mood and hormonal changes? What has been the impact on him? Because it’s a bit shit to want to break up with your partner on the basis of this rather than trying to support them, unless your behaviour has been abusive in some way? You also mention controlling? Are his claims valid?
I think the both of you potentially need to take the focus away from these female friends- as you say yourself it doesn’t really sound like you suspect him of cheating- and concentrate on fixing what needs to be fixed in your relationship. That might involve going to counselling, and/or you getting more support for your mental health and behaviours (if these have been potentially abusive). You need to figure out if he’s willing to work on things and make a plan from there.

I understand that people can be friends with who they like but I wouldn’t be comfortable with new female friends and that frequency especially if he knew how much I was struggling with it. I would respect that it’s upsetting my partner and dial it down a bit, sitting with you on a train messaging female workmates I think is inappropriate when he knows your mh and self esteem is low. Does he make you feel loved and respected outwith this?