To Wish My Sisters Weren't on Good Terms with My Ex

[BaMamma]

Is it unreasonable to expect my sisters to end their friendship with my ex?

They're 20 years younger than me, by a second marriage, and he's been part of their lives since they were in their early 20s. I tried being civil with him when I ended the relationship, but he's been an asshole at every possible turn. It was our daughter's birthday recently and he harassed me about money the day before, and the card he sent, with a badly written cheque and no affection, was a day late.

Shortly before Christmas my ex got in touch to say my sister was visiting him, as she was in the area for another reason. I told her I was upset about it and her response was that when I told them about the split, I'd said I'd understand if they still wanted a relationship with him. I want to say, "but I was being noble, of course I don't want you to be friends with someone who caused me and your niece so much pain and distress."

My daughter is upset and baffled that her aunts would want to be friends with him.

Now my sister is visiting the city where I live, and is coming to stay with me, but I think I need to address this issue one way or another.

YABU: it's none of your business whether your sisters want to be friends with your ex
YANBU: it's understandable to not want your family to be friends with a man who caused you and your daughter pain and distress

YANBU I find that very disloyal of them. But I know that people think nothing of doing this. The bit I can't stand is when people say "I want to stay out of it".

My opinion is time is a healer when I split with my ex it was an awful couple of years establishing co parenting, new boundaries etc. fast forward 10+ years and it’s lovely we can co parent and be together at our daughters birthdays/competitions/school shows etc. It’s also great we can still get on with each others family. I don’t think you should encourage people to “pick sides” for your daughter’s sake. One day she will have a baby shower/wedding etc, surely it’s so much better if you are all tolerant of each other and nobody was put in the middle.

This was my hope in the beginning, but he's made barely any effort to maintain a relationship with our daughter, so I can't see that happening.

I asked him to move out of the family home expecting him to stay in the area and work on his relationship with our daughter. Instead, he went back to the UK for a while and now lives miles away. He gave up sending her messages because she wasn't replying; if I were in his position, I'd be messaging her regularly to let her know I was thinking of her, even if I got no response.

I can see both sides. When I split with my ex (who had an affair) I found it so hard when a couple of close friends of both of us wanted to be "Switzerland". I needed the validation of people who loved me supporting me, and I felt that meant not supporting her.

A couple of years on she and I get on well and although I still wish we hadn't split up, I can see the friends' perspective. Time is a great healer.

Your sisters have a relationship with your ex which is separate to yours. Absent any serious abuse towards you/your daughter, I can see why they might think that your split doesn't have to mean the end of their relationship with him, especially as he's their niece's dad.

I can understand mutual friends wanting to 'be Switzerland', especially in the early days. When my ex's ex (mother of his 2 older children) split with her husband we were fully on side with her, and that made things awkward when they got back together so we didn't see either of them (until they split again, for good).

But this is 3 years down the line, and he isn't making any effort to communicate with his daughter and is generally hostile to me, so it hurts that they're still friends with him.

It's so hard OP - nobody's perfect, but i would struggle to be friends with anyone who wasn't making an effort with their own child and had treated another friend of mine badly - just begs the question of what would he have to do to get them to stop liking/respecting him enough to be friends

If he had been in their lives for a really long time, and the relationship had ended amicably, I would say it's ok for them to remain friendly with him. But that doesn't sound like the case here. I'd struggle to remain cordial with someone who hurt my family member or even a friend, regardless of how much I may have liked the person previously. YANBU.

Yes, this, they're not 'staying out of it', they're right in the middle of it!!

her response was that when I told them about the split, I'd said I'd understand if they still wanted a relationship with him. I want to say, "but I was being noble, of course I don't want you to be friends with someone who caused me and your niece so much pain and distress."

They're your sisters, why were you trying to be noble rather than just being honest.

I agree it’s a bit strange after 3 years. I can understand wanting to phase out gently and being polite if you encounter them. But actively visiting them is a bit odd. I’m wondering if he was a bit of a father figure to them or something when they were young.

I expected him to behave like a decent person and we'd be able to be civil to each other. I think I was also aware that it wise to be cautious when couples split and could understand if they wanted to stay in touch initially.

They had a perfectly good 'father figure' in our actual Dad and I feel sure our Dad would have cut contact with him immediately!!

Thanks all. Had a good chat with my daughter and agreed that I wouldn't bring it up, but she would like to discuss it one on one with her aunt.

It makes me so uncomfortable knowing that she's friends with him, but my daughter's feelings come first here.