Ex friend always the victim

[Redspottyfrog]

Been friend with this girl since third year high school. We are now in our late fortys. Over the years she has alienated or blocked people beacause they are not “trying” hard enough. This includes 4 school friends and 2 of her 3 bridesmaids. (I was the other one) She makes so much drama such as storming off in the middle of things or nights out for no reason. She also slags people off to high heaven. She then blocks people for small things or they get fed up of her.

anyway I could see I am on the road to being blocked as apparently I did not visit her when she was in hospital. (She did not tell me she was in so I would have had to have been telepathic). Her husband who is meant to be friends with my husband did not tell us either.

she also did not send me a birthday present and we have always done that. She also has cancelled our last 4 meet ups and did not bother coming to my dad funeral when I went to both her mum and dads (she was not at work she was on leave told me she was coming yet did not turn up). Yet I am the problem, I am the one who has neglected our friendship.

today I have been blocked

can I just say I am really not bothered but why can she not see that she is the common denominator. She is the one that so many people fall out with, she is the one who blocks people for stupid things when she has done far worse to them. Yet she is always the eternal victim. I know I am getting slagged off to high heaven and it’s even got back to my mother in law who is friends with her husbands mum. My MIL does not believe it at all. Do I confront her about the slagging off or just I just ignore and think no one will convince her that she is the one with the issues not everyone else.

I am mad because she is slagging me off behind my back.

Verbalize a few home truths via your grapevine.

Oh and her birthday present was a few days late this year (hers was before mine) as my husband has just been diagnosed with MS and my head was all over the place

I think your title says it all - ex friend. It hurts when something like this happens, especially if you were close enough to be a bridesmaid. However, she’ll be the one with no friends left. Go and live your life without all the drama.

This - you don’t need someone like this in your life. Sorry to hear about your DH - bet she didn’t even say that!

She can slag you off all she wants. Anyone who knows her more than 6 months will know to take anything she says with a pinch of salt.

People like this never change. The world and everyone in it is out to get them and they have zero self awareness to realise they are the problem. You verbalising anything to her will be you “attacking” her.

Spend a moment to be sad that a long term friendship has ended, but have the wisdom to know you’ll be happier for it in the long run.

people like this have a fixed mindset. The reason they can’t see that they are the common denominator is because in thier minds they are genuinely unable to see that and believe other people are the problem. You can’t make them see otherwise.

My cousin had a friend like this, suddenly cut her off for no reason. She spoke to her husband and he didn't know and his wife wouldn't tell him. He said she'd done this several times.

I think some people like to be their friends most important person. When you were (understandably) late with her present, or focused on your DH then her nose was out of joint because she wasn't first. The funeral may have been the same because it wasn't about her.

You're better off shot of her to be honest.

Narcissistic. Pays the victim, creates drama, thinks she is more important than she is, triangulates, creates a false narrative about people that displease her. If you look up narcissistic personality traits I bet she fits more than a few! You are better off rid believe me!

If it were me I'd have to have the last say. Sounds like she'd be quick to argue back though so could you put it in a letter and take it round so it gets to her?

I had an ex friend like this, friends since school, bridesmaid and we lived together for a time.

was going through a hard time and whenever we tried to ask, they would skirt around it or never tell us the actual issue so was hard to support. Stopped coming to gatherings, or nights out and even when they did would actively say they didn’t want to come.

it come to head and we had a couple of words and haven’t spoke since, but in their mind we were the problem. Never asking after they or the children, maybe in the last 6 months but she soon forgets that 2 years of us trying to help and meet and having it thrown in our faces so we stopped bothering so much.

I found that once she was out of my life I felt a massive relief that I didn’t realise I needed. The drama, the “woe is me”. And I know she slags me off that I ended the friendship but I don’t care. It took a while to not feel guilty and believe the things she said but you’ll move past it.

I’d honestly just leave it. I imagine other friends feel similarly so her slagging you off will be met with skepticism. She sounds incredibly hard work and not worth it!!

It's upsetting, most definitely but equally I think it's pointless doing or saying anything more. She can and will create her own narrative / version of events to whoever she wants... however if she really is how you describe then people won't believe her anyway.

Let her. It's all a load of rubbish anyway and the more you rise to it or counter her stories with the truth, the more she will fight back and come up with even more reasons why she's the victim and bullshit.

Don't give her any more material to craft her stories from. And this is not you being a doormat. This is a conscious decision to hold your head to high and remove her and her bullshit from your life by not engaging

I bet you feel like the weight has been lifted! Shes no friend and you will now live a drama free life. I had one of these friends. Silence snd not engaging is best from now on

You don't need her in your life. Petty, selfish - just nah. You want friends who have your back.

I had a friend who liked to cut people off as a punishment for 3 months. She was most perplexed when my 3 month stint was up and I didn’t come crawling back. Good riddance (my crime was not wanting to spend 300 on her birthday)

Why do you care?

Do you have anything to lose by sending her a message, expressing what you’ve said here, @Redspottyfrog?

Even if you don’t send it, writing it might be cathartic.

Everyone who knows her will know what she is like.
Think about what you thought when she started complaining about others. Did you believe everything she said or did you just think "oh there she goes again"
She is an ex (very poor excuse for a) friend and your life will be calmer without her.

YABU - why on earth would you want to remain friends - or even in touch with such a toxic person?

Why are you even friends with her if she's such a pain? So much drama from grown women 🙄 just be glad she's blocked you and move on!

Sounds as if you’re infinitely better off without her!

Big hug to you OP. Just get rid. Can't believe you've put up with this nonsense for so many years. Block her number, pour some wine or get a cup of tea and celebrate your freedom. Don't worry about what she's saying about you. No longer your proble.

Let me guess she’s also the person who always has it ‘worse’ and if you come to her about your issues she’ll make it about her and how she went through it worse. There are always people like this who think negative attention is still good attention, they will not care about anyone else except themselves. They will want everyone to fawn over them but when it comes to doing the same for others, they never will.

Thanks everyone. I think I held on so long as we had been friends for so long. Also her husband was friends with my husband but my DH does not give a dam if he stays mates with him or not
apparently she is saying I never sent her a birthday card or present at all, now I sent it via post and the tracking said it was delivered so who knows.

One of my other friends totally forgot to send me a birthday card this year and 3 days I got a frantic phone call from her apologising. The funny thing was I didn’t think anything of it I just thought she must have been really busy and it just slipped her memory.

other things the ex friend has done is not tell me they had moved house until I asked to call round with something and she gave me the new address.

not tell me they where going through IVF (okay this I actually understand)

she did not tell me when she was in hospital yet somehow I was supposed to know

she treated me really horribly when I had to leave an event I was helping her with last year because my DS was ill and needed me home. I helped her the previous two years at the event but this time I had to cut it short.

had a pop a few times about where we live compared to her.

told her about DHs diagnoses and all I got back was “oh well at least you will some answers now”- no offer of support.

yet all though this I was supposedly her best mate but surely you tell your best mate if you are in hospital or moving house!!!!