Absolutely resent my husband after baby

[Tootiredfrthis]

I have started to almost hate my husband after having baby. This is our second DC and the older DC is 3 years old. He goes to nursery Mon-fri as he gets 30 funded hours. Baby is 4 months old and exclusively breastfed. She's awake every 2-3 hours and night and has only very short day time naps.
I haven't slept properly for 4 months now,toddler is awake at 6 AM which is when I am finishing feeding the baby and going for some sleep as baby is awake at 5AM or 4AM for feeding.
H doesn't appreciates anything I am doing and he has been like that pretty much for most of his life with everyone. He does chores like laundry etc. he is very harsh on the toddler and I have to keep reminding him that he's only a toddler and we need to be patient with him. H gets frustrated easily. I am resenting him so much now due to his behaviour and I feel like we are at the end of road here and divorce is my option now.
I don't know if I resent him so much because it's so bad or because am tired, sleepless and postpartum hormones. Am I AIBU?

Divorce.

Also, we have very different parenting styles. I am more easy going than him hence the toddler wants me for the most part. Another thing is I am so tired that I just want to get through the day right now while H thinks I should be strict with DC as he is. I hate all the stress his parenting keeps creating and the arguments which follows between me and him.

My only concerns are that I will have no support here as don't have any family around. I don't think he's the kind who will contribute honestly towards kids but I have a full time job and work and earn around 70k in midlands and job is hybrid with flexibility.

You are not being unreasonable. He doesn't sound like a very good husband or father. He doesn't understand what a good husband or father should be doing.

If you talk to him and he doesn't change or even listen, you have your answer. Divorce.

Wanted to see if anyone has been through similar and if it was just a phase and you came out stronger?

I don't think he's the kind who will contribute honestly towards kids

Fucking hell, what a horrible man. Do you have family support elsewhere in the country?

Sounds like he’s a dud unfortunately. They never get better. They’re too selfish and arrogant.

And not contributing honestly towards his own children in the event of divorce only cements this. What a cunt.

H doesn't appreciates anything I am doing and he has been like that pretty much for most of his life with everyone.

I'm wondering what made you decide to marry and start a family with him if he's always been like it! (Rhetorically, you don't need to answer).

I hate all the stress his parenting keeps creating and the arguments which follows between me and him. This is definitely easier if you're apart from your DH, ime. A load lifts for sure.

It does sound like you're reaching the end of the road if not already there. Your kids will benefit from a happier, less stressed mum that isn't carrying the weight of a deadweight dad.

It's true that having a baby in the house disrupts everyone and yes people can come through it. But they have to have a good basis to start with.

You haven't. He's been like this all his life. He's not going to have a sudden personality change, this is how he's always going to be. I'm sorry but I'd rate your chances as vanishingly small to none.

I am going to play devils advocate and suggest you don’t divorce purely because of you do you’ll have to send both kids to be with him and new possible partner for half the time. The fact he does the housework is quite a good positive for him. Maybe he’s finding the new baby stressful, some people are not very good at handling stress. 2 little ones are enormously stressful. As for toddler waking early, the only resolution is husband goes and had a cuddle with them in their room instead of them disturbing you. Maybe they could watch an iPad and dad could have a little nap whilst they watch?
You need to have a sit down and talk about parenting styles. It can help to have an expectation for age related behaviour. My friend would get annoyed her 2 year old wouldn’t sit at the table, when I googled it it said 2 year olds can only sit still for 10 mins max. Maybe he needs to do some more research on this.
Let DH deal with his parents, just stay out of it completely. You could even have a break from visiting them and if he wants to see them suggest he takes toddler or baby to visit them himself so you can have a break.

You could try talking calmly about the issues you have, but frankly I wouldn't hold out too much hope. IMO it's much easier to split when the children are little. Perhaps start researching about what you'd be entitled to.

I speak from experience. I loathed ex but it was more and more difficult to get rid of him as the children grew.

You are describing my STBXH OP, I'm really sorry that you are in this with young children. The resentment will just grow and grow I'm afraid (which is perfectly justified btw!) I am SO much happier without him.

You are very tired which can make things seem worse than they are at times. I resented my ex husband when the children were babies/toddlers bc I didn't feel he did his fair share- he thought going to work was enough. He even slept in the spare room for the first 3 months of my son's life because he didn't want to be tired for work. Some husbands see them doing things as 'helping', when actually, at weekends, it should be an equal share. Don't jump to thinking about divorce though- I would sit him down and spell it out (don't spring it on him...tell him you'd like to talk tomorrow or whatever). Tell him you feel you need more support and see what his reaction is. My ex h is a much more involved father (prob more than me as a parent these days) bc he has more in common with our teenagers. Some men just don't understand/ know what to do with babies and toddlers.

Could you move back home where you have support?

Is he self employed? I would do some digging around for evidence of his earnings. If he’s employed then I think he will have to pay you 20% of his take home pay.

Whats your housing situation?

What’s difficult in these situations is - until the kids are old enough to say they don’t want to see their dad - he will have up to 50% custody time with them on his own.

That’s not to say you should stay with him purely to ensure he parents the way you’d prefer him to, but you will have absolutely 0 knowledge or input when he has them unless you can see signs of abuse or they are old enough to tell you.

When they’re older they may well decide they don’t want to see him, but if he’s just mainly stricter than you and you don’t like this, there won’t be an awful lot you can do when he has them.

I don't know if I resent him so much because it's so bad or because am tired, sleepless and postpartum hormones.

Well you could say that, but by the same token you are even more exhausted than necessary because he does not meet you in the middle enough. It's a marriage killer. How can you continue to love someone who does not take care of you?

My dh did everything he could and I still hated him post baby

It sounds like he could do with going on a parenting course. There may be something in your area or online? My Dh was impatient when the kids were small but he’s much improved now!