Is anyone else a big disappointment to their parents?

[mjf981]

I am. It shouldn't bother me but it does.

I'm 40. Grew up in a 'good' family - hard working parents who were well respected in the local community and quite financially successful. I had a strict but good childhood.

Went on to get a decent respectable career after a uni degree. Moved overseas (permanently) and bought a nice flat in a brilliant city. Never asked for anything after moving out at 18 - paid for all of my education expenses and just got on with life. To be fair, I do think my childhood helped set me up for this. I'm generally happy, healthy, financially safe and content in my day to day life.

However. I'm not married and don't have kids. I'm gay. I don't own my own business, even though had the opportunity to (progress my career?) by doing this a few years ago. All of these things are a disappointment to my parents - they don't outright say it, but its clear in all the subtle ways and in most of my interactions with them. Its hard to describe. Basically I'd say I know what they're thinking even when they don't verbalize it. And even when they do its saying things like 'you'll never get anywhere without your own business,' 'when are you buying a house, you can't live in that little flat forever (for context, never, a flat here is $1million and a house would be double that..),' 'xyz has 3 kids now, they're such a happy family and has made their parents so happy' etc etc.

Its become clear that I'm not the offspring my parents wanted or expected. I'd say we now have quite a superficial relationship. There is an increasing distance (physically and otherwise) which is sad. I try not to let it bother me and generally it doesn't day to day....however they've just booked to come and see for 2 weeks and I'm now dreading it!

Anyway that's a bit rambling and I'm not sure why I'm positing. Maybe just looking for others in a similar situation?

you don’t live in same country as them?
just distance yourself op
unless you’re a sucker for punishment!

Chill, op. You are doing great!! perhaps the mindset of their generation - associates success and happiness with certain “goals” and “milestones” in life. Some people moved on with times and others didn’t.

You made great use of the privilege you had and now have a happy and content life, you are financially stable and healthy. That’s my definition of a good life!!

I think your parents must be proud and happy that you are happy in life.
How about introducing them to gratitude journaling?

They’re over for a fortnight

day 1, any snippy comment you just say “look let’s enjoy the fortnight and in order for that to happen, you’re going to have to reign in the snippy comments about me…. Ok”

How did they react when you told them you’re gay?

Just take control of the conversation

'you'll never get anywhere without your own business,' - "How do you mean, Mum/Dad?" Let them explain to you what exactly they mean by it (they won't be able to as it's just a soundbite they never really thought to deconstruct).

'when are you buying a house, you can't live in that little flat forever' - "Oh, why not?" (again, they won't be able to articulate why)

'xyz has 3 kids now, they're such a happy family and has made their parents so happy' - "That's nice" (not much else you can say to that, really)

My mum was like that for a little while but I shut if off pretty quickly by using the strategy above.

In everyone else's book - you're doing great!

Your parents simply need to get over it. Not everyone wants or needs to be very rich or have kids. Tell them you are doing the planet a big favour.

2 weeks sounds intense; I hope they are able to entertain themselves.

Mine are disappointed in me and my four siblings. We’re all in our 40s and 50s, highly educated (all of us have postgraduate degrees, most of us more than one), solvent, with careers we like, married or in happy committed longterm relationships, homeowners, good friendships, generally nice lives — which is not nothing, as we grew up in poverty with parents who had no idea how to parent, were from deprived, dysfunctional backgrounds, and very suspicious of education.

So what has disappointed them, and why aren’t they proud of how well we’ve done?

They just wanted their children to be what they consider more ‘normal’. My siblings are childfree by choice, and I have one child by choice. Only one of us had a ‘proper’ church wedding. We have done ‘too well’ in career terms, which embarrasses them, in conjunction with our lack of provision of grandchildren. My mother in particular wanted her daughters to marry young and be SAHMs who went to bingo and Weightwatchers and ‘popped in’ for a cup of tea on weekday mornings. Instead she got a crop of largely childfree, highly-qualified professionals who live in areas she thinks are ‘not for the likes of us’.

It’s sad, really. They just wanted a completely different type of children. We don’t suit them.

Dh is like that. His parents are baffled by him they left school at 16 he went to Cambridge. It’s hard to believe they are related though he looks like them physically but in every way they are on different planets.

As a mother of 2 young adults, I woulf be over the moon if they turned out like you. Really. I just want them to be happy and financially independent.
I don't care if they have kids or a large house.@

My mother wanted me to become a hairdresser. I became a best selling novelist. She was disappointed by my lack of interest in blow waves and perms, and she never really understood how or why I could become a writer. It was a mismatch of expectation - when she grew up girls went into traditionally 'female' jobs and I was just never going to be that 'girlie girl' she wanted.

I think she came to terms with me before she died, and my brother said she was proud of my success, but she wasn't a reader and never really understood it.

I think a lot of people want their DC to be little clones of them and make the same life choices as them, in order to validate their own lives. If you choose something radically different, or if you are just radically different, many parents seem to take it as a kind of affront. It's really sad, but it's very common.

On another eyeopening thread lots of people revealing that their parents are paying for everything for them, starting with house deposits to kids' nursery and school fees.
I would be thrilled to bits if my kids stood on their own feet without handouts in this economy.

To some extent I think yes, but for different reasons. They died when I was 23 (mum) and 34 (dad) so this is all hypothetical.

My mum never ever pressured me to get married or have children (but I know she would have loved to have been a grandparent). I think she would have been disappointed about my career path (and so am I!). I'm fell into being an EA and it's so hard to progress - the role comes with its own glass ceiling. I think she'd have hoped I'd done better - she wanted me to be a teacher or something in the health service.

My dad wouldn't have been arsed about me and the career thing - he was in the same job at the same level from age 15 to age 60, but he would have been upset if I'd not had children. But I never met anyone to have them with and it's now far too late. He would have seen that as a failing.

I think this is exactly it. The fact I'm not like them in so many ways is, to them, a failure. That is a very insightful comment, thank you.

This is going to sound odd, but this thread is so validating because I thought I was the only one in this situation. The poster above has just described my relationship with my family to a tee.

My parents love me and I think they are quite proud of me but they just don’t understand or like me very much or enjoy my company because I don’t fit. I’ve mostly given up and drifted away over the last couple of years as I have finally come to the realisation that they will never accept me as I am. It has taken me till my early 50s to get here. My brother fits their mould much better and I have noticed that his girlfriend has largely replaced me inthe family unit because she suits them better. It hurts but it is what it is.

Me

I’m glad you found it validating! My siblings and I sometimes laugh about it, and have sometimes found it sad and frustrating to see our parents at weddings or extended family gatherings be visibly mortified that there’s no ‘news’ about us to share. I genuinely think that my mother in particular would prefer us, in the absence of appropriate numbers of children, to be ill or have serious problems so she would have things to share about chemotherapy or mortgage foreclosure or redundancy!

And actually, you’ve made me think, my mother in particular would also have much preferred to have as a daughter my brother’s wife!

That’s so true! They are embarrassed to tell people about what is actually happening (eg new job or promotion) and would far rather be able to say that I have hit a Slimming World target.

My brother’s girlfriend is absolutely delightful but she just fits the expectation better than I do. She has a daughter and works part time as a teacher so I think my parents can connect with her experience better.