What to do about DS friends sending messages leaving him out?

[PleaseSayThatAgain]

Ds has been a bit off for a few weeks, he's just started high school and has had the same group of friends for years. Now I know they all change friendship groups in high school and it's all par for the course but he's shown me lots of messages recently about friends purposely leaving him out.
Tonight he's shown me some quite nasty messages including pictures of friends together taunting him saying look what you're missing out on and some just other general nastiness.
He's my youngest so I may be being a tad over protective but it's just so sad seeing him upset. He's had a few other bits of nastiness from the boys in school too which has added to it.

Hes asked me to do nothing and I know it's difficult with intervening once they're teens but they're still only 11. Do I stay out of it and just give him reassurance and tell him to stay clear?

Any advice appreciated.

It would depend for me if they all go to the same secondary school or not.
If they do and it carries on for much longer I’d tell the school. I’d encourage him to make new friends.

If they don’t go to the same school I’d suggest moving on. Delete the group and forget about them.

I'm so sorry, that must be horrible watching him go through that. It's so hard when they won't let you help either. I would encourage him to block them and this is probably wrong but I would also encourage him to fake it til he makes it - act like he doesn't give a shit and find other kids to hang out with. Protecting his dignity is important for his self esteem in my opinion. Could be wrong though.

I’d tell my son to tell them that he’s not feeling like he’s missing out on much because they aren’t nice lads to miss!

They do all go to the same high school and it's continuing on there during the day too. I have encouraged him to make new friends and he's started some sports clubs with new groups which is helping but unfortunately the texting has carried on. I think I may encourage him to block their numbers. I know the parents very well which also adds to the situation but yes, the school might be the best option if it carries on.

Well got a start I think you and your son need to stop seeing them as his friends.
If he's in a group chat with them he should leave it. I agree with blocking individuals too.
What is happening while he's at school with them? Is the bullying taking place there too? If so, what form is it taking? Are they just ignoring him, telling him they don't want to be with him or is it taunts? If the latter, I think you do need to speak to the school.

I think you could make things worse for him if you raise it with the school, particularly as he has asked you not to.

Yes, to encouraging him to block them. No, to any other intervention. He just needs to move on to other, better friends.

Yes, we have told him that it says a lot more about them than it does about him and that he's not missing out on friends if that's how they're behaving but it's so hard to convince them at that age isn't it. He's just feeling a bit hurt at the minute as they've all been friends since they were 4.
Hes acting very unphased and ignoring them so is keeping his cool but I tonight I could just tell it had gotten to him.
I'm really glad he's able to tell me though and still feels he can open up so I dont want to go against his wishes at the minute in case he stops telling me what is going on but it's so difficult just watching and doing nothing!

I was going to suggest blocking. Seems like the most obvious solution and something I would do as an adult if I were receiving unwanted messages. It's a good opportunity to teach him that he doesn't have to be subjected to this and he has agency to stop the messages.

Have you told their parents about it? I would!

Tell the parents you know. They should have made their DC aware that anything they write like this exists forever - ie they’re bloody stupid to bully in writing! I’d want to know if this was one of mine (and hopefully it wouldn’t be).

Definitely good to join the new clubs and make new friends.

Also good to suggest he blocks them.

I don’t think you should consider telling their parents or the school though. While your instinct is to sort it for him, he’s asked you not to. I think you run a big risk that he’ll be seen as a crybaby mummy’s boy and will be ostracised further. If it got around his peers, he’d be in for a rough time.

It would also break his trust in you, and he’d probably tell you nothing in the future.

Happened to my son too. Took a while to realise he needed to move on as he hadn’t done anything wrong. Just silly boys trying to look big and cool. They did it to another boy too. It’s better to branch out and make new friends I’m not convinced sticking with the same pack from primary works out longer term. I wouldn’t say anything to the parents unless they ask as that may make it worse. It will become obvious he’s been left out. I knew the other parents too and they didn’t do anything which is probably why they had unkind kids. He sounds like he’s taking it in his stride and it will be better if he stands up for himself than gets teased about his mum doing it for him.

Yes, I think blocking them and ignoring does seem to be the best option at the minute.
It's just progressed from them walking away/ running away from him when they were all together to them actively ignoring him and making snide comments recently and then to the constant messages . A couple of months ago they were all quite happy in their friendship group but two of the boys in particular have latched onto a new group of boys and have had a big change in behaviour. Initially I thought it was just a case of change in friendship dynamics and them moving onto new groups etc but the messages have taken a nasty turn which is why I was unsure if I should be doing more than I am I suppose. Hopefully it will settle down.

No, not as of yet as Ds has asked us not to and I dont want to break that trust as some others have said. I do agree that going to the school would have to be the next step if it continues or worsens for him but I also dont really want to take it down that route without him agreeing to it as I do think there is a possibility it will make things worse.
When Dd was this age she wouldn't let anything slide and wanted me to sort things for her with intervention through the school but she has always been one to not take any injustice lightly 😂 so its been hard to navigate this and being so hands off but supporting him.
Everything in me does want to send the messages to their parents and let them deal with it but I doubt it would really help the situation for Ds in the long run.

leave any groups and block them.
It's unnecessary stress.
Hopefully he'll find friends that are more suitable

It sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your DS because at least he's coming to you and telling you how he feels. I think it would be best for him to leave the group chat it's obviously affecting him and then encourage him to distance himself from that group and make new friends and in the meantime chin up and chest out and let karma do it's magic

They’re not nice boys so I would encourage him to ditch them. Leave the message group, block the individuals and really focus on making new friends. So hard to watch, OP, but common with young teens and will likely make him stronger if you can deal with it effectively together. Sending all best wishes to you both - you sound lovely.

I don't know what my advice is or if this is helpful but it's probably led by one or two nasty boys, and the rest are following suit because they don't want to fall foul of them and become the next target. Maybe it could mean your DS could make contact with one of the nicer ones so even if it's not public, he still has a friendship. Or maybe just him thinking of it that way might help him realise it's not all against one, and it's certainly not his fault.

That's really horrible. It’s one thing having a new friend group, different chat etc but to leave him out & then taunt him by messaging him seems especially unkind.

I agree that he should block their numbers. Act indifferent.

I hope he can make some new friends as they don't sound very nice.

I'm sorry you are both going through this. I don't know if you would find it helpful to hear a positive story?

The same thing happened my DS12 in his first year. Though he was putting on a brave face, it affected his confidence and he couldn't help but take it personally (he thought he was being excluded because there was something wrong with him). It escalated to a point where we had to tell school, and it subsequently escalated further 😳. It was quite traumatic at the time, and I worried about him endlessly.

Fast forward a year, and he is thriving again and has a new set of better friends. His old friends continue to be dickheads to other children, but now leave him alone. He can now see their behaviour towards him was more about them than anything he had done wrong.

We found things got better for DS when he started some team sports which helped him build new friendships, and Judo for confidence building.

We had spoken to the parents at the time, with mixed success. Some parents just cant believe that their child could be capable of bullying, and that was frustrating, because it could have been nipped in the bud if parents had been onside. They are frosty with me now, but that's not a big deal.

I would let the school know about things but tell them that your DS doesn't want any action taken. The info you share may help the school build a picture, and for all you know, they may be doing similar to other children.

While it was awful at the time, it gave my DS the opportunity to make new and better friendships that I dont think he would have made otherwise. He now knows what to look for in a good friend, and some behaviours that he would never tolerate from a friend again.

I hope things improve for your DS very soon x