Feeling stressed: Friend wants to spend more time with me than I can manage

[suzettenoisette]

I have a friend, let's call her Anna.

Whenever we plan a meeting, she wants to pretty much spend the entire day with me. She's okay with 4-5 hours as well, but not really with anything shorter than that.

I like spending time with her and wouldn't say that I'm introverted, but even for me that's just too much time. I have a full time job and on weekends I also have to squeeze in time for family, other friends, hobbies and sports.

Am I unreasonable for wanting meetings to last about 3 hours? For me that's plenty of time. Time to eat, talk, catch up, go for a walk. But for her it doesn't seem to be enough.

How can I make her understand? For example, on Monday we are supposed to meet after work. I work until 4 pm. I told her that we can spend time in the city from 4-7.30, but that I would need to go home afterwards. That's after a full day of work. So I think it's a lot of time. But she hasn't been replying. She always does this when she is upset about me limiting the time we spend together. I told her in advance because it's fair and because I need to set a clear ending, otherwise she always tries to convince me to go somewhere else with her or wants to ride the tube with me on the way back even though it's inconvenient for her and it would be better for her to take another tube, to spend more time with me.

I like her, but this is starting to stress me out. She will probably contact me on Monday during the work day to confirm the meeting as she always confirms last minute when she is not happy with the amount of time she gets to spend with me. But I am starting to get so annoyed and stressed by this that I think about cancelling. What would you do?

YABU - 3.5 hours is not enough time to spend with a friend (work day)

YANBU - 3.5 hours - plenty of time

I think that is a reasonable amount of time for a meet-up after work. Plus you have told her in advance when you need to be heading home.

Stick to your boundaries- it sounds like you are being clear and you are well within your rights to do so. Is it that she doesn't have others in her life to fill the void ? This is not your issue .

How long have you been friends for? Does she have other friends or are you the only one (which seems likely!) And have you asked her why shorter meet ups don't work for her? Maybe try explaining that longer meets make you want to see her less frequently?

I agree stick to your boundaries. She sounds quite difficult, remember you don't have to meet unless you really want to.

If she tramples your boundaries, you need to consider whether she is really your friend, or whether it's all about her.

She sounds very immature if she doesn't reply when she's cross about the length of the meetup or whatever.

I met two of her other friends briefly, but I can't really tell how close they are or if they spend a lot of time together.

Reasons she has given in the past were "I want to talk to you more" and "It's not worth it; travelling to the city centre to spend just a short amount of time there" (with 3 hours being too short).

Sounds annoying and like hard work, esp the going cold if unhappy. I would text to say pls can you confirm if 4-7.30 works, by X day, as otherwise you need to make alternative arrangements. Saves you having to wait until she’s finished her hissy fit to actually know what you’re doing.

Well, tell her it’s three hours or nothing, take her pick? Also tell her that this is, frankly, putting you off spending any time with her, because it makes you feel pressured. Meeting frequency and duration have to work for you too.

I agree. If 3h isn't long enough then you don't meet up or chat on the honeymoon or Messenger or something. She sounds hard work.

She sounds like a controlling, needy weirdo.

Fukin hell this would do my head in. I had a friend like this, and I gave her a wide berth for several months - and then gradually ghosted her. #sorrynotsorry

I'm not sorry because she was affecting my mental health with how intense and clingy and obsessive she was. Looking back she was quite catty and bitchy and judgmental too, of me and my DH, and other people too. She wanted to come around my house twice a week, and would stay 5 hours. It made me ill with stress. I had to cut her out. Kept pretending I wasn't in, and ignoring her calls.

DH's brother and wife and 2 kids used to come around every Saturday too, (20+ years ago,) and stay 5-6 hours. Used to drive me fucking nuts. We never had a Saturday to ourselves. We never invited them, they just came, parked their arses on our sofa and armchairs, and stayed from midday to 6-7pm. Eating us out of house and home and dominating the TV. Their kids half wrecked our house and all.

It was an immense relief when they fucked off across to the other side of Europe to live! Only saw them once or twice a year after that for a few days.. Hooray!

I would bin this 'friend' off @suzettenoisette She sounds insufferable.

Yeah this. 3 hours for a meet up when you're 20 and have lots of gossip and emotional drama and few other responsibilities is a short time. When you've got a career, family, life and commitments, 3 hours is not do-able. Most of my catch up with (non-local) friends is usually an hour or two over lunch or a very occasional night out or an (less than) annual weekend away.

Reasons she has given in the past were "I want to talk to you more" and "It's not worth it; travelling to the city centre to spend just a short amount of time there" (with 3 hours being too short).

Suggested responses:

"I want to talk to you more" : And I want to get home at a reasonable hour.

"It's not worth it; travelling to the city centre to spend just a short amount of time there" : Fine, let's not bother then.

"I am starting to get so annoyed and stressed by this that I think about cancelling. What would you do?"
Frankly, I would let my annoyance show. And bat off her attempts to monopolise my time with the responses I suggested above.

"She will probably contact me on Monday during the work day to confirm the meeting as she always confirms last minute when she is not happy with the amount of time she gets to spend with me."
I would 'train' her out of this petty behaviour. I'd text her on the Sunday along the lines of 'Hi, you haven't confirmed for meeting on Monday so I'm guessing you're struggling to fit me in. No worries, I could do with an evening in. Speak to you next week / next month / when Hell freezes over.'

I have a similar story, I just don’t know what to do about it, I’ve tried putting in place boundaries but not working

agree with everything said here. Definitely don't be putting up with this nonsense any more

Some people aren't good with transitions. Bit like kids who get upset when you try to get them to leave their friends house or the playground. Most learn how to deal with that, your friend hasn't, could be lots of reasons, childhood issues ? impossible to guess. She probably won't change until she can see for herself that she has an issue.

Far far too intense for me. I couldn’t cope with that amount of neediness and moodiness if she doesn’t get her own way. If it’s. Regular thing then it’s even worse. I would be detaching myself. I spend about 3 hours with my friends and we live 90 miles apart but it’s nice for a catch up but once you’ve caught up then surely that’s if until next time?!

it’s probably only about 2/3 times for me a year as that’s plenty 🤣 TBF my friends are all separate so I see them individually (about 8 of them separately) for a few hours a few times a year. I can’t add anyone else to the mix as it’s too much.

Uncomfortable as it can be, setting boundaries is the only way to get the message across. I would say or message, “I’ve got a lot on with family and work, I would really like to make sure we don’t miss our catch-ups they mean so much to me, can we put aside one Monday a month to catch up after work and have dinner? Let me know if it works for you.”

Then while out of she tries to extend say, “I shouldn’t have even had that extra drink, I really need to head home. Bye.” And out! If she insists on texting frequently or intensely in the meantime, I would think about stepping back from the friendship for a while. I would give a vague explanation, “I’ve got a lot on,” and then limited responses.

I think you have to question what are you getting from this friendship? It sounds very intense and needy from your friend.

I have ditched the people in my life who are like this and I cannot tell you how much energy it’s freed up and how much lighter I feel.

Others have made some really compassionate and mature suggestions about how to manage boundaries.

I’m too old to fuck about cutting people this much slack anymore though. Personally, I’d just cut and run, as in my experience people like this don’t change and just become greedier and greedier for your time and attention.

Is it possible she might have a crush on you/see you as more than just a casual friend?

Regardless, you deserve to have your boundaries respected and it’s not unreasonable to want to limit the length of hangouts when you have a busy life and other responsibilities.

I would tell your friend you have to do overtime or say sorry can't meet up got family coming over or going out for meal with family I'd get pretty peed off I had a friend like that felt sorry for her as she lost a lot of friends this way now I know why