I've name changed for this as I post a lot with my other username and always give details so I'm worried my family member may read MN and realise it's me based on details in my other threads/posts.
Anyway, it's a long family drama story, but I will shorten it. Highlights!
So, a few years ago a close family member stopped receiving money from my parents (a few hundred a month) because despite giving to this family member for years due to claims of severe debt and money issues, my dad discovered during a text (when the FM ranted to him about their work payments) that FM was actually on 2 thirds pay and not half pay. FM's other half also let slip on a different occasion that they were receiving more benefits as well.
Anyway mum at that point was in the early stages of Alzheimer's so dad decided since they had more income than they let on and he wanted to save more for him and mum, he gave them two months notice saying x date will be the last money gift.
FM's other half replied two days later via text to thank dad but it felt curt and also strange they left it two days to reply.
In the summer of that year dad received a letter saying that he had been awful and hurtful towards FM (the examples would be too outing if I detailed them, but think along the lines of forgetting to phone back one night, not being available one day, a misplaced text) and his behaviour had caused FMs mental health to worsen and they had to go back to hospital.
Now, FM was already having mental health issues and had been absent from work and in hospital various times, which had been the case for years.
The letter made no sense to dad. He messaged to suggest meeting up and FM refused. Or rather, said they would only meet up with dad when he apologised.
The reasons made no sense and mum was really distressed as the Alzheimer's made her forget why things were being escalated.
All of this had nothing to do with me. When dad showed me the letter I got in touch via text and discovered I'd been blocked. Dad tried too and it was the same. A month later my mum's birthday was ignored.
A few months after that my baby's birthday was ignored.
My birthday ignored. Then Christmas. The anniversary of the worst thing ever that happened to my parents and I was also ignored.
After that I hardened myself and shut FM out of my head and got on with life.
My mum worsened. I had another baby. Life moved on.
Then, three years later I received a letter. Not dad, me. No real contrition in it; phrases like "I regret blocking you but it was to protect my already fragile mental health" (I'd done nothing to merit this). "I only blocked you for a matter of months" (it was years). The tone showed me nothing had changed. So I replied and explained that. A curt message was sent "if you really loved me". I thought; No, I'm not being manipulated like this. So I didn't reply. That's now been another two years since last contact.
In this time my mum has got much, much worse. She is now being cared for. She can barely speak. My mum used to be very close to this FM.
Dad categorically does not want FM to find out about my mum being worse but I'm torn. Should I say (if I'm not blocked again that is) or should I leave it?
Also when, not if, my mum passes away (she is in her 80s now) my dad does not want them to know so that they don't come to the funeral. I want to honour his wishes but again, I hate this and wish things could be different.
90% of me agrees with dad's decision but I also do miss the closeness I used to have with this FM. I feel that means I should tell them when mum deteriorates.
AIBU to feel this way?
Yes, don't go back, FM does not deserve to know
No, a family bond is still something to fight for
Thanks for reading x