To think this was weird of my Dad to say?

[Recife]

When I was 8 me my mum and Dad went to Greece on hols.

For the first week it was just the 3 of us. Then my Dad flew home and my mum’s friend flew out the second week.

Just for context -

my mum at the time was 50

Her friend was 47 - single no kids and she had a very well paid job

During the holiday when her friend Jean was there - so 2nd week - my mum quite a few days said she was ill and took to her bed. I had to go to breakfast a lot with just her friend Jean but was less than happy about this - I was an 8 year old with an ill mum and to be honest wanted to go home.

At the time I was unhappy in myself -

I was fat as an 8 year old and desperately wanted to lose weight - I was also the only one who was an only child in my peer group and desperately wanted a brother or sister. I LOVE being an only child now btw so no shade at all on only children! Jean used to say to me every time I refused breakfast

“you’re not being very clever”

my mum remained miserable for a good few days of that week saying she was ‘ill’.- and took to her bed

I. at 8 years old wanted to bring this
miserable situation to a head so I said to my mum when she was ill and miserable in bed one day “right’ let’s go home early if we can” We didn’t. My mum ignored me and made no attempt to book a flight

Thing is my mum kept saying she was ill, but I couldn’t see any traces of illness in her face, normally if people are ill it shows in their face

my mum’s illness miraculously ‘recovered’ and we stayed until the end of the holiday

when I told my Dad about this years later after mum died - he screwed his face up then said

“I’m surprise she behaved like that with Jean there.”

AIBU to think - that was him admitting that he thought mum was faking illness

Also he seemed concerned about Jean’s feelings - a high earning 47 year old woman - but didn’t seem to care at sll about how an 8 year old felt - me!

just fir context Jean didn’t have the type of personality suitable to be with an 8 year old on holiday - think stern and not relatable

Also - looking at it now as a grown woman - if I was single no kids - I’d never go holiday with just a mum and 8 year old - it creates to much imbalance which would feel pronounced if something went wrong - but Jean was an intelligent 47 year old who made this decision independently

It sounds as though there was a lot more going on with your mum's behaviour than you were told as a small child, which has left you with a lingering feeling of being unsettled and unsafe. Children are highly attuned to their adults - this is for survival purposes, as adults have great power over children and changes in their mood can have a profound effect on a child's life.

Do you think your dad would be up to an honest conversation about how you felt and the unanswered questions you have? It might be helpful if he could explain a bit more about what was behind these confusing experiences. If he can't or won't, then I suggest some counselling for you to help you process your memories and how you feel about them (in fact I think you should do that anyway).

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and respond to my post. What you say is very interesting and rings true to how I felt back then.

unfortunately a further discussion with my dad isn’t possible

something I forgot to include in my OP was that initially my dad’s response implied he thought my mum had a genuine physical illness - he said something like

“oh well if were you I’d have just said “oh I’m glad you’re better” (to my mum when she recovered) - he said this in a breezy tone

but then his comment and facial expression- e.g screwed up face saying
“I’m surprised she behaved like that with Jean around” - this suggests he thought my mum was behaving badly rather than ill

I admit I felt affronted !!

it sounded like - “oh it’s ok to pander to an intelligent, affluent 47 year old lady but we can throw the 8 year old under the bus!”

I don’t know how to say this gently but these sound like such a string of non events. Doesn’t sound like a great holiday but I’m not sure why you’re still thinking about this, unless there’s more to the story?

Could it refer to her having a mental health issue? Maybe dad was dismissive of it (her taking to her bed) and therefore surprised she did it when Jean was there (as he didn't believe in mental illness).

I would interpret your dad's comments as implying that in his view, there was a mental health or behavioural component to your mum's withdrawal. He was surprised that it occurred in front of someone outside the family - this suggests that he believes she could control it and could have decided not to take to her bed. I agree that his attitude does fail to acknowledge the effect it all had on 8yo you - but in my experience parents who handle problems by trying to screen everything off from the children - to protect them - are very good at convincing themselves that they have succeeded, when in fact children pick up on far more than adults realise, and often don't feel empowered to ask questions, because they know they aren't supposed to know that anything is up.

Could be ..

So were Jean and your mum 'together' but couldn't be? It sounds a slightly unusual set up. Your dad definitely has knowledge/opinions about this. I say that as a now single person but who spent lots of time with my friends and their families when previously single and now single.

Thank you - yes I agree with what you say here totally

one thing I do feel though is if he was adamant to protect me etc - I’m surprised he made the comment

“I’m surprised she did that in front of Joan” which is more or less telling me mum’s behaviour was ‘wrong’ rather than sticking with the narrative of -

“oh it was definitely a physical illness - I bet you were pleased for her when she was better” iyswim - the comment he gave initially- rather than change the narrative to not behaving ‘badly’ in front of Jean

No I’m as close as I can to 100% there was no romance element mum and Jean

You're mixing up two things. What your dad said has nothing to do how you were feeling as an 8 year old. You're mixing up all your emotions about that holiday with a fairly factual comment by your dad. His comment wasn't about emotions, but it obviously reflects emotions you felt at the time that still resonate with you.

Was your mum the hands on one doing all of the parenting, even during the half of the holiday with your father?
Could it be she wasn't ill as in sick, but just totally burnt out with parenting responsibility so took those days to rest, sleep, get a bit of me time space from being default parent, because unlike your dad, Jean would take you and let her have that break?

Why did your dad fly home?

What was their relationship like before he left while on holiday and as soon as you got home?

More likely, something happened between your mum and dad, she couldn't face going back/being in his presence, he flew back on his own , she had a friend join her for support and then just crashed as soon as there was another adult to look after you.

It sounds like it was MH. Or that she just wanted a break on her holiday and thought you’d accept ‘sick’ as an excuse.
The Jean comment is nothing to do with jean’s feelings over yours, and more to do with a ‘proper’ way to behave around other adults that aren’t in your family. I think the fact you’ve heard it how you have tells you more than the comment itself.
As an adult now perhaps you can also see why your mother didn’t just pay for a new flight and abandon her holiday at the instruction of an 8 year old?
this sounds like not a brilliant holiday but really quiet a non event tbh, I assume as pp have said, it’s more that you felt unsafe and were not reassured

Agree this just sounds like a bit of a non event.

Just book a flight home? Not financially practical for most people.

Maybe something happened with your mum and dad, hence why he left and your mums friend came. Mum was ill in bed as in mentally ill.

Don't see why someone would just pretend to be ill and stay in bed on holiday, unless they were having some sort of mental health issue.

Even if the friend coming was planned and no issue between mum and dad, it just sounds like your mum was ill whether mentally or otherwise at that time.

Thank you for replying. Sorry I wasn't prying. I hope you can get the answers you are looking for.

Op, I say this gently but you really, really need to move on. Your mum sadly isn't here to ask and you say you can't ask your dad. It sounds like a total non event tbh. Why is it relevant that Jean was telling you that not eating was a bad idea? I find it a bit odd your parents didn't explain to you at the time why your dad flew home etc but they didn't so... Why are you so obsessed with this? Can I ask how old you are now?

There must surely be a lot of other stuff that went on.

kids have annoying interactions and expectations put on them all the time. Did Jean hurt you? It was she just an old hag that was a bit of a witch type figure to an 8 year old?

also surely as an adult you must realise adults can’t just fly home based on an 8 year old demanding it. It’s money. Also her friend came to be with her so she couldn’t very well just say sorry jean we’re off home again.

clearly your mum wasn’t well. No happy person stays in bed on holiday.

your dad probably had an argument and left or whatever.

why can’t you talk to him? Kindly, you would benefit from therapy to work through this.

Did your mum have a problem with alcohol, do you think? Did she seem to be hungover?

It all sounds like such a non event. You are mixing up an 8 year old's interpretation of events with an adult's analysis.

You can see illness in someone's face? No, not always, not often in fact. Perhaps your mum had terrible menopausal period cramps. Perhaps she'd eaten something off. Perhaps she had sun stroke.

Then there's your mention of your weight, not wanting to eat breakfast, feeling uncomfortable with your mother's friend. Seems completely unrelated to your mother being ill.

I, as a high earning, single, childless, 47 year old woman, would have no issue joining a friend and their child on a holiday. Especially if I might be saving a few quid by taking the place of a husband/father who needed to leave early. No issue with this.

Your father's comment about being surprised your mother was like that with Jean there - perhaps he just meant he was surprised your mother was ill enough to stay in bed leaving you in Jean's care, when Jean might have wanted to be enjoying her holiday.

The big burning question is, why now, as an adult many years later, are you still wondering about this. Why were you so unhappy as an 8 year old? Why have you held on to this experience for so long?

Is there some context here we don't know about OP? Just because on the face of it, it's a bit odd - she could have been ill with gynea issues and it wouldn't have shown on her face, not everyone looks 'ill' when they are sick or in pain, which I'm sure you know.

It’s an odd thing to be bothered about unless more went on? It doesn’t sound like much happened but I understand the holiday wasn’t very fun. I think you’d be best to move on from it

Are you prone to over-analysing generally? This holiday experience doesn't sound much fun but presumably it was a long time ago, why are you dwelling on this? There is really no way of knowing if your mum was genuinely ill or maybe suffering from depression. Your analysis of your dad's fairly innocuous comments seems a little obsessive too.