Is this a sign of neurodivergence, or just being a c**t?

[jaggyjaggy]

DH has always been extremely averse to change, this year we had a 3 day argument because I wanted to get a fake christmas tree over a real one.

He is very into about xbox games, he has hundreds and he obsesses over the stats and completing everything 100%

He hates damaged things, i.e if one of the children accidentally rips a page in a book he will go and buy a brand new one rather than taping it, he does thus with everything and it drives me crazy as its so wasteful as the book is perfectly fixable.

The way he processes emotions just seems - off - like recently he did something bad, he looked on my phone without my permission (he was reading my emails) I was understandably livid with them…. but it was him who sulked and avoided me for 4 days. When I confronted him he said he didn’t know what to do and wanted to avoid confrontation. Its like he doesn’t understand that he should be sorry.

He is really sensitive to any kind if rejection.

I’ve always thought there was something but now DS2 is presenting as ND and it makes me question DH.

No-one here can answer that.

Does he want to get tested?

Sounds more like a bit of manipulation (looking on your phone than him acting like the injured party, giving you the silent treatment) before pleading a lack of understanding and wanting to avoid a fight.

Spending loads of time on Xbox - is that while you’re sorting the kids and doing all the groundwork in the house? Of course he prefers that.

Obviously nobody on here can say for sure but if he’s holding down a job, interacting normally with colleagues/friends and suddenly like this with you, I’d be wondering if it’s genuine.

The two are not mutually exclusive. There are plenty of ND assholes out there. And plenty of good people. And mostly a mix of both. Most examples you give do sound like ND to me. The phone thing sounds like he is being a dickhead, if he is, its not the fault of his ND, its just him being a dickhead.

You can be both a c*nt and have ASC

it takes two to keep an argument going for three days bit silly over a tree but I suppose it’s symptomatic if deeper issues

can you afford a diagnosis? Would it help him change ?

do you want to stay married ?

Could be both but one does not excuse the other.

True

I think it was a case of me deciding to stand up to him, i’m bloody allergic to christmas trees and we’ve had real ones for 11 years. I dug my heels in on this one.

No

Not sure.

Neurodiversity is a spectrum, isn’t it? And personality traits can be both genetic and acquired so your child could easily be picking up things from him regardless of diagnoses.

He mostly sounds controlling and maybe a bit ocd .
Does seem to be the new normal now to blame poor behaviour on asd or adhd .
Even if he is it doesn't excuse sulking for 4 days . Especially if he has perfectly fine relationships with family/friends and people he works with .

I think it's a bit of both, OP.
I'm ND and can be a bitch, definitely recognise some things here.
I always apologise to my husband though, if OTT.
Does he?

He could be an ND cunt.

Manipulation. Avoidant behaviour. Doing things he knows will upset or wind you up.

He may be ND, but that is no excuse.

I've had to learn how to be a good partner, wife, friend etc because some things don't come naturally to me... But I WANT to make changes and learn and listen.
He doesn't sound like he cares.

It is possible to be both ND and a cunt. It is also possible to be ND and not a cunt. He is not going to have a personality change even if he gets diagnosed.

Neurodiversity is inherited. I realised I was neurodiverse when I found this out, as my son has ASD. Your husband may well have ASD and also, you could. A friend, who's a GP, says that current estimates are that 40% of the population are neurodiverse.
Your husband could also be a d**k

Some of this could be neurodiversity, some of it is cuntishness. The two aren't mutually exclusive.

My DP is also ND and has some of these obsessive traits and also hates change to the routine (for example he is obsessive about how food is stored) but he would never sulk at me for raising an issue. Sulking with you for four days is abuse.

Neurodiversity doesn't let people off the hook for poor behaviour.

Possibly, but it's largely irrelevant at this point. He is married to you and you live together with kids. A diagnosis won't change any of that. A divorce will.

Sulking for 4 days isn't something directly associated with ASD. Aversion to change is, but that needs to be managed civilly, regardless of a diagnosis.

ND is not an excuse for abusive behaviour. Plenty in my family are ND and don't abuse others.

His behaviour sounds like that of a difficult badly behaved child. I wouldn't want that in a partner or a co parent.