“Be the bigger person”

[Phoebsz]

AIBU to feel that this advice, as well as just ignore it/them, only gets a person so far and then an inevitable snap occurs? I mean we’re only human aren’t we. Ok, I better explain myself.

So, the other day I woke up to find that the tyres on both mine and my dh’s car had been slashed. It was clear from the off it wasn’t a random attack as no other cars on our street had been damaged and it is very clear who has done it. I recently reported my next door neighbours (again) for smoking weed but please, before the inevitable comments of well you brought it on yourself start, let me explain.

We live on a predominantly large housing estate and rent through our local housing association. We’ve been here almost 5 years and within a few weeks of moving in we started noticing the smell of weed in our house. We put up with it for a long time as neither of us felt comfortable speaking with our neighbour but it went on and on and our house absolutely wreaked despite having an air purifier and various candles and diffusers on the go.

After some time we decided to speak to the neighbours. We were polite, made it clear we weren’t judging them but at the same time we don’t want to smell weed in our home. Also, our dc is autisic and they can’t tolerate the smell and can get angry very quickly if they wake up to their room smelling of it. We explained the situation, they apologised and said that they would smoke it outdoors going forward. I mean of course this didn’t happen so over time we spoke to them I’d say another three or four times and only when it became absolutely crystal clear they weren’t going to change did we then decide to speak to the housing association about it.

The HA phoned them and they flat out denied it. The case officer at the time was utter crap and didn’t do much at all. I got a sort of mouthful off my neighbour when she seen me in passing but they were all talk no action. I explained to them that we did the decent thing and came to speak to them about it first but they carried on so we were left with no choice. They stopped smoking indoors for a god few months and it was heaven but then it started up again. I gave them the benefit of the doubt and decided to see if it was just a one off or if it continued. It continued and this time we decided to report straight away as there was no point in speaking to them.

They didn’t retaliate last time which surprised me to be honest. This time I expected to be screamed at but not this. By going for our cars they’ve hit us where it hurts as they know we need them for work during the week and we are out most weekends visiting places so yeah we use our cars a lot.

Now I had no intention of confronting them about this as that’s what they want. They want me to lose my rag so they can report me to the police or maybe they hope I do their tyres and they catch me in the act, but no, I’m cleverer than that and I’m not going to risk getting a criminal record over those scum bags, but I have to admit I have been thinking up (legal) ways that I can “get them back” and inconvenience them as much as possible. I know this is childish but this is how they have made me. Aside from the weed smoking I have put up with a lot from them over the years to the point I ended up on anxiety meds. So things like partying until all hours, their dog (that they never walk) barking in the garden for hours on end, their kids “playing” out front eg kicking solid footballs at my fence, walls, car, front door etc, their kids screaming constantly swearing shouting etc, them having bonfires in the summer months meaning we bake as we have to close our windows, them stomping hard up and down the stairs in a way that couldn’t be anything but deliberate, slamming cupboards door repeatedly, again in a deliberate fashion, doing DIY at inappropriate times etc. I could go on but I’d be here all day.

So I’ll be honest and up front about what I’ve been thinking of doing, but bear in mind this isn’t just out of retaliation there are genuine reasons too.

Reporting to social services-

They regularly smoke weed in the house where their kids are. Their back garden where the kids play is covered in dog poo. The dad is always screaming at them especially the youngest who’s 5 years old. They are allowed to play out late in the street running in the road and around park cars which cause a hazard and lack of view, they are often bouncing on the trampoline until midnight. The youngest child isn’t supervised appropriately and runs unto the road.

Reporting to DVLA/Police

For drug driving. The guy regularly gets up the next day after smoking weed into the early hours (it still wreaks when I wake at 7am) and drives his van. He will no doubt test positive for drugs.

Report to school-

Report concerns about the kids welfare to their school.

Report to UC

For possible benefit fraud. I’m 99% sure she claims as living on her own.

Now in my opinion only the last comment I’d class as purposely malicious as I don’t know for sure but as for the rest I know to be true as I’ve witnessed this behaviour.

FWIW I am not usually a tit for tat person. Before I moved here I was a live and let live kind of person but I’m not the person I once was and that is due to them and what they have subjected me too. So I want your honest options AIBU to be THINKING of retaliating?

Be the better person or similar speak is "enabler" language for allowing toxic behaviour.

While it can encourage maturity and emotional regulation, it can also be used to pressure someone into tolerating mistreatment, suppressing their feelings, or avoiding necessary confrontation.

Report them, but get yourself progected and collect evidence and proof, whether that be cameras to the hilt recording all your exterior property and noting every interaction with recordings and evidence. Factual not emotive, don't get drawn into to arguments, stick to facts.

Just report the slashed tyres to the police, would have thought you'd need to do that anyway to claim on the insurance. Don't waste time on malicious reports.

Also (and this is minor but you'd done it twice) it's reeks not wreaks.

Is my spelling really that important in the grand scheme of things?

Anyway, I have reported it to the police which was pointless really. I was given a crime number but we don’t plan to claim on our insurance as our premiums will go through the roof as we’ll lose all of our no claims bonus’s.

I didn’t report for fear of back lash in the beginning. Now I don’t care so much. I’ve got an evidence of previous behvahour towards us so if we report them and they do something eg assault, break a window it’s proof.

Nah. I won't "be the bigger person" generally, and if someone says that to me they get short shrift.

I am excedingly petty though. And vindictive. So i will usually get my own back. Sometime least expected. The person who has pissed me off (or whatever) can be the bigger person and not do it in the first place.

I’l heard her chatting on the phone in the garden a while back. Also, she stands out front having blatant conversations that my ring door bell picked up. Oh and we have a mutual friend of a friend of sorts and apparently they are always breaking up getting back togehet he goes stays at his parents then comes back a few days/weeks later.

If all these things are important enough to report them to social services, then you should have done so months ago because you're concerned about the children's welfare, not to get revenge on your neighbours. 🙄

Go for it OP. They will know it's you and sound like lovely people so you report them to everyone you can.

I’ve put cctv up now at the front of my house and added dash cans to our cars that record when still so if I report them and they come Knock on my door and go for me or smash my car window I will have proof that it was them.

Jeez, they must be smoking in every room and you have walls with holes in.
Have never had neighbour's weed smell in our place (mid-terrace), only if they are having a smoke in the garden and we have windows open.
You must have the nose of a bloodhound

I and concerned about both but I have dc and have to keep them safe. At the time I didn’t know how they’d react to being reported for smoking weed never mind anything else.

I don’t know much about weed but from what I gather there are different strains and some are stronger than others. We went around the house and filled in all cracks with the hope the smell wouldn’t seep in but it still does.

No, because we haven’t given them a reason too. Other than in this instance we keep ourselves to ourselves and don’t disturb anyone.

You have to fill in a referral to social services. You do realise that everyone has the responsibility to safeguard children, and if you don’t, you’re implicit in their abuse?

Besides that, they sound horrible to live with. Is there any chance you could move?

By that I just mean I have a paper trail of reporting their behaviour to the housing association. I have ring doorbell footage of footballs purposely being kicked at my house and car. I have voice recordings of their dog barking for hours on end. I also have footage of them admitting to the weed smoking. They’d rang my doorbell come round to have a go at me. When they left they stood leaning on my fence and a friend of theirs walked over from the other side of the street and they joked saying they wish I’d swap houses with them so they can live next to each ithet and smoke weed inside whenever they want.

Yes we are trying to move. We have actually put an offer in on a house but the house needs serious repairs eg the roof so we are just in the middle of negotiating that but things are moving forward just slower than I’d like.

Yes, this is what makes it sound malicious.

If it was just about concern for the kids, you would've reported before now and you wouldn't be thinking of reporting the benefit fraud, which could lead to them having less food/heating/clothes etc.

Leave the kids out of the tit-for-tat stuff.