Desperate for advice - night weaned toddler waking early

[toastwithbutter]

I night weaned my toddler from the breast 10 days ago. He's almost 21 months old and was feeding constantly (cosleeping) all night prior to this.

We cut out milk completely between 7-7 (I tried to cut down before this eg only letting him feed for a very short amount of time when he woke).

He eats and drinks loads throughout the day and is very healthy.

He naps for about 1.5 hours a day and I always have him up for the afternoon by 2pm.

He's sleeping better, generally 7-7.30pm down for the night and waking once between then and 4am ish, waking for a quick cuddle in the middle somewhere (asks for milk but I say no and he settles down, I offer water but he says no).

My issue is the 4-4.30am wake ups. He is SCREAMING for milk, waking the entire household and probably my neighbours too. He's hysterical. And at that point, he's up for the day. It's breaking me. I am beyond exhausted. I preferred being woken ten times a night but being able to wake up at 7am.

I've tried feeding him but he will feed and then he won't go back to sleep anyway and I really want to try to avoid feeding him before 7am.

It's causing extreme stress for my DH and I. We are at each others throats and had an argument at 4.30am this morning with both our children awake and everyone exhausted.

I don't know what to do. When will he start sleeping later? Has anyone experienced this? I'd rather not wean completely and want to keep a couple of daytime feeds for a while if possible.

Just to add, I feel completely alone dealing with this. With DH and I at each others throats, my friends don't have young children and babies so they do not understand, and my family have their own stuff going on.

I want to burst in to tears this morning and wish I had someone to just look after me a bit. This is so hard. Two absolutely exhausted children and then they will want to nap early and bed early and the cycle repeats itself

A hopeful bump

I don't have any suggestions other than feeding him at either one of the wakes, but not the other.

You've achieved a huge change, would it be the worst thing if he reduced to one feed instead of constantly?

I've just mostly night weaned my son - in the sense that he does about 50:25:25 of sleeping through:waking once but settling for daddy:waking early and I feed back to sleep.

It's a huge enough improvement to our lives for now. Would something like that be better than the screaming hunger at 4am?

We ended up letting my daughter cosleep/breastfeed until about 2.5 because of a similar issue, once she woke up and started crying that much there was no resettling her and it was upsetting for us all.
We night weaned in the end with my husband doing bedtime/night wakings for a few months until she stopped asking for milk at night (sometimes he had to offer her snacks instead). It was probably almost 6 months until I could do a bedtime/night waking without her getting hysterical though, because she expected milk from me.

Thanks both.

@TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis the problem is.. won't it confuse him if he wakes at 2am and I say no and then he wakes at 4am and I say yes?

The other issue is, I tried to feed him at 4.45am the other morning but he was still very much up for the day and not going back to sleep!

Well, my husband usually does the "refuse" settle, so there's no question of milk, only water.

If I were you I'd do the earlier feed, so you can be sure he's not waking up at 4.30 from hunger then not being able to get back to sleep? At the earlier waking, he might be tired enough to sleep even if hungry. And a fuller belly might keep him down later than 4.30?

(My husband has almost mythical abilities to persuade our son back to sleep...)

I’d push bedtime back a bit. I wouldn’t change anything on the milk front again yet. Try 7:30 and give him something filling right before bed as a supper - porridge or toast or a banana.

You can try getting a glo clock or we used a yoto that changes colour so they can look and see whether the light is 'green' or whatever you choose means milk and without it then no milk. That helped with understanding when milk was available but even with that, night weaning for both of mine didn't help their sleep and turned them into 5 am risers for at least a year. However both terrible sleepers before and since so hopefully not the same for you.

Been flamed for saying this before but I solved early wakings in both kids by just leaving them to cry until the right time to wake up. Now if they wake up early they just babble happily and roll around until I go in.

Especially with how bad your situation is it would be worth a few days of pain. There is no evidence that sleep training is harmful to children in a loving family home. There is evidence that sleep is important for development for children and safety (driving!) and mental health for adults.

The easiest place to start could be to shorten the nap?That's what we started doing at that age, with the nap going completely around 2. DS just wasn't tired enough for bed and it really messed around with his sleep.

Op how did it go for you in the end? Have you made any changes since this post?

If it helps this is what happened with us recently. I night weaned my 18 month old about a month ago. It was really hard but we persisted with a week of horrible sleep but she ended up sleeping from 8pm to 6am. I also cosleep and she was latching on all night so it was no longer doable and the change was amazing.

At 6am I would let her latch on and feed till 8am. Gradually her night wake was at 5am, and I didn't mind i let her latch on till morning. Then it was 4am, and gradually after an illness it is now back to every 2 hours. I just had an even worse night trying to night wean again and I wish I had not given in to giving milk in the night. Family members kept saying she might be hungry and it made me worried, and through being tired I gave in. I really regret it now because we are back to square one and she cries so much more now.

Personally if I could go back I wouldn't give in to the feeds. I know now she wasn't hungry, and it was for comfort. People may argue she might be hungry but I offered other drinks and food and she refused, and she was sleeping till 6am so I know she can do it.

Good luck in your attempts and please share how it goes! Any tips welcome

I would probably accept that for a little while 4:30 is his wake up time. Take it in turns (two nights at a time works better than one on one off) to be the parent that gets up with him and just go downstairs and put something on the TV. You may be able to doze off while cuddling but depends on your kid. It will pass. You could have a gro clock but it's important to begin with that it is yellow morning at the time he actually wakes up (4:30) and then very very slowly stretch it out until it's 6:30/7.

This post is a little old now, but just to say both my children went through phases of waking at 4am for the day at this age. You’re not alone. It was a hard slog, but they grew out of it eventually. They still ( now aged 8 and 6) wake up at 6am. After years of despondency about the crap sleep I finally resigned myself to the fact that my children just need 10hours of sleep, not 12. They are both super bright, and it made me feel better to read that there is a correlation between poor sleepers and intelligence. Their brains are just too busy!

If you give him milk straight away for his 4am wake, will he go back to sleep?

If not then yes I think you need to put him to bed later, and/or cap the nap.

Sorry, mine is 7 months younger but I suspect we'll be in the same position.

Thanks everyone!

We ended up night weaning and just going cold Turkey on night feeds and after 4 ish nights he slept much better but he still keeps waking from about 3am asking for milk. I will only feed him past 4am. We have some brilliant nights and some not so good but I'm just happy to not have him glued to my boob all night!

I think I'll gradually start pushing that 4am feed later and possibly introduce a gro clock. But things are much more manageable than they were?

@Gustavo77 that's a perfectly normal and common schedule for a one year old? Not sure why you're so upset by it?

Just checked and @Gustavo77 is a troll 🙈

Why on Earth are you commenting when you have clearly never had a child?! What a strange thing to do.