To be fed up with DH work drama?

[Whatawasteoftime]

He has worked in middle management for the last 15 years, both SMEs and corporate. Has not been happy anywhere, always moved not for progression but to get away from whatever the latest madhouse is. He feels bullied, put upon, stretched beyond any reason, unsupported and under-resourced. Has not made any lasting connections anywhere, all management is incompetent, all direct reports are lazy. Goes through major meltdowns about how hard it is for him, how work is killing him. Said he is handing in his notice tomorrow. I used to be supportive but nothing I said was helping, so now I just ride out these bad days. Not really sure how he fails to see that there is only one common denominator in how all these jobs play out, but I am also worried that maybe he is truly in a bad way and I am not supportive? It just feels like a pattern that he is following and after so many crying wolf events I cannot summon any sympathy.

What am I to do - just nod and let him wallow in it?

To be honest, and I mean this kindly, it doesn't sound like he's cut out for middle management. He's been there for years without getting promoted to senior management and also doesn't enjoy it at all.

@BatshitIsTheOnlyExplanation I am not sure what position he would be happy in? He felt the same before being promoted for the first time, everyone is stupid sort of attitude. I would not put up with him as a direct report, individual contributor or manager.

It's clear that your husband isn't satisfied by being stuck in the middle of corporate life. I jumped after 20years in.the same company to something completely different for 15 years and enjoyed the advantages of working for myself. To the extent that I now have a small part time job that is perfect in many ways but boy, do I hate working for someone else.

is there a possibility your husband could set up something for himself? Not a hobby business, but something that will pay AND satisfy him?

@Jabberwok He is full of business ideas but feels financially insecure to make a leap. Counts time to retirement. Factually, we are very financially secure, but it’s like he is stuck in a victim mode.

To be honest OP, my husband's exactly the same... He is in his mid 50s now - and he's worked for the 32-ish years I've known him. He's been in 4 different jobs in that time - this last one for 15 years. At least once a week, he moans and complains and whinges at what a 'shithole' the place is, how useless everybody is, how nobody knows what they're doing, (except him!) and how out of 27 employees, he's the only one that does anything. He claims that he alone, keeps the place running. 🙄

He's just one of the regular members of staff and not a supervisor or a manager or anything. But yeah, he claims he is the reason for the place surviving. He insists that the supervisor, the assistant manager, and the manager, know fuck all about what they're doing. HE knows everybody's job inside out, and only HE knows what he's doing ... No-one else can do their job apparently. and no-one does anything - or lifts a finger, except for him.

And yet he's never, ever gone above the position he's in. He says the reason for that is because he 'doesn't want to' because he 'doesn't want responsibility.' The place is open. 24/7, seven days a week, and I refuse to believe for one minute that it's only him keeping the place together, and keeping it open. He only does 28 hours a week, so how is it surviving for the other 140 hours? 😆He must think I'm fucking daft!

He moans and whinges and bitches, and says he's throwing in the towel and never ever going in again and he's going to leave soon and get another job - at least 20 times a year. It's complete white noise to me now. I just make all the right noises, and umm and ahh, and say, 'oh, dear, dear, what a shame.' I don't take any notice. He's full of shit - and he's always whinging. Yet in 15 years, he has never applied for another job. He moaned about the other jobs too, and only left them via redundancy. He never left them voluntarily.

It's quite exhausting sometimes, but I do ignore him most of the time. He has NEVER been happy in a job, and no-one has ever worked as hard as him in any place he has ever worked at! 😂 He has phases/periods of 4-6 months when he doesn't moan, but when he does, he really whinges, and it goes on for 4-5 months! At least 50% of his work life, he whinges about his job!

Ignore your husband @Whatawasteoftime Just nod and say 'yes dear' when he whines and bitches.

@BatchCookBabe Thank you for your post. This is so familiar. I do not know a single woman who does that. Ironically, at my place we have ended up with all female regional leadership team, everyone cracks on with the job and supports each other.

I'd knock any idea of him starting his own business on the head! It doesn't sound like he gets on with people at all.

My DH is very similar. He doesn't really talk about the specifics, but he comes home and is in a bad mood or withdrawn and when I try to talk to him he just says "it's all fucking shit, they're a bunch of twats, it's all fucked, I don't want to talk about it".

But there have been versions of this for years and, like you, I've stopped being sympathetic. DH has been in the same company for close to 20 years now, he could have left but doesn't even bother applying for jobs which is why I don't offer much sympathy.

If they won't help themselves, they can't expect us to.

I'll join the club. In the 20 years I've known him DP has never had a competent boss. All his colleagues have been workshy but favoured over him. Apparently. He took voluntary redundancy end 2023, and then walked out of two jobs last year. He paid nothing towards household bills.for 6 months. All the while I was struggling in a hugely stressful job which I couldn't leave as we needed the money. He's now back working but the job conditions aren't what he wanted (why he didn't find out before he accepted I dont know). I can see him walking again soon.

Will he get some coaching? (Pay someone else to tell him).

@BatchCookBabe your comment had me laughing this morning as I know so many people at my work like your husband, running the show single-handedly, the majority tend to be male 🤣…

Is he like that outside work too? Thinking that everyone else is crap, moaning a lot? Sounds exhausting for you.

If he’s otherwise a good partner would encourage him to stay in paid employment of some kind, seek counselling about his work issues and seek to put boundaries on his offloading to you.

Starting a business or self employment sound like bad ideas based on what you’ve said about him.

I am a bit like your DH. For me it's related to ADHD. It's quite common to over perform early on in a new job. Then it becomes expected and I feel taken for granted. Then I lose interest in being hyper productive, resulting in disappointment from colleagues and bosses and so it goes.

I work for myself now. It's the only way.

Mr Monkey gets like this very occasionally. Usually after being hyper enthusiastic about a job or project. It is generally related to senior decisions he disagrees with but cannot change, or a colleague he dislikes. I usually say patiently - you have three choices - leave, try and change the situation or accept the situation. Moaning to me constantly about it is not an option.

So, the latest update… I have left at dawn, so didn’t see him in the morning to gauge the mood. Both home at 7 pm, DH is upbeat, says he has hand-written (!) his resignation letter but the Boss was busy all day, so he has not handed it in. But will do first thing tomorrow. But also stayed later today to finish something urgent and this is just taking a piss, he has no life. Why worry, if you are resigning anyway?

I asked why he didn’t email his resignation to the Boss? No answer, just - I will hand it in tomorrow.

Let’s see what happens tomorrow. Any clairvoyants to predict what happens tomorrow?

Boss will be busy again. Or your husband willl have to look after everything single handed and there'll be no time to resign.

OP, no advice, but sympathies - he sounds really hard work for you. X

Can the household afford him resigning and risking a spell of being out of work?

My prediction is that he will not hand his notice in tomorrow. Indeed from what you describe I would not put a penny on it being this week.

Ugghhh how annoying. I have a vaguely similar situation. We moved house with a plan for DH to then move jobs later. We moved in 2019! He bitterly complains about his commute and having to stay away from home so often, and working weekends. When he is home he is exhausted.

Yet he has never seriously looked for another job, certainly not to the point of applying for one. I am so bored of listening to him moan without doing anything about it, I can’t even muster any sympathy anymore.

He will probably need to take a pay cut to work locally, that is fine. I have suggested that he works out how much he spends on petrol, takeaways, bottles of wine for our friends who he stays with, drinks after work. The adds that amount to any salary advertised down here. Has he done so? Has he buggery! Ive also changed jobs and got a pay rise in part to facilitate a drop in earnings for him, and if he was around more I would be more likely to progress at work anyway as I could travel at the drop of a hat.

I just don’t give it any energy anymore. “I’m going to finish updating my CV” “ok love”

@Loopytiles Yes, we are very secure financially, which makes the situation even more non-sensical. Neither of us have to put up with a job we hate and we can both afford to constructively push back on unreasonable workloads. But he prefers to moan and make noise about it, rather than take any action.

My prediction is he will go to moan to the Boss and will have his letter as a bargaining tool to get some empty promises of additional resource and an ego boost. Then he will be all macho about how he went in raging and the Boss was so accommodating to fix everything, and he is going to stay another 3 months to give the Boss the chance to sort the place out. I am pretty sure this has happened before, but not sure if at this or another job, or all of them and more than once.

Maybe the Boss will call his bluff - then we will have some real drama!

Definitely don't let him go self employed- my H is and has been for 25 years and the moans just change to ones about clients, ludicrous process procedures, payment procedures, project creep, answering stuff all times of day - he is always answering stuff on holiday , needs to replay every phone conversation ( we work together ) - it pissed me off so much that I let him work from home and I go to the coworking centre otherwise it would be 24/7 ranting .

My H also finds everyone else not up to his standard ( in reality in many areas they aren't as he's a quite niche expert) everyone is incompetent , his particular bug bear is certain people always being off sick or taking days and days to answer emails .

In fairness he's fantastic at his job and it's all based around his hobby - but even then he moans constantly

Why do you stay married to these men? Sounds hellish to me!!!

Strap in for tomorrow OP. I wonder what he’ll do!