AIBU to not speak to my mother?

FluentMauveLurker · 2025-03-04T18:54:57+00:00

I've been estranged for 12 years now since 19 and going through the "wondering if I am justified in this" period since while she was bad she wasn't truly awful. I know she misses me deeply and according to brother cries about this regularly. Just want to know if I'm overreacting here due to no physical violence or SA... please be honest. The issues: Not feeding us enough to save money, I was underweight enough for regular comments but not drastically. Similar issues with water, heating and clothes. Being extremely intimidating and threatening for no obvious reason and I was certainly terrified of her. There was no physical violence from her but I suspect a lot of that was because I was very prepared to hit back, there was violence from dad but he left when I was very young and I don't blame her for this. Not being supportive in general. E.g. encouraging me to drop out of school at 16, at A-level I got all A* and am now a doctor. Telling me I had no friends/no one liked me/friends were using me. Trying to pit me and brother against each other. Very little privacy, wouldn't knock or go away when told. Would walk in while I was showering/bathing/getting dressed well into puberty. Being unemployed receiving a huge amount in benefits (payed off house + child support + BS medical conditions) but paying it all into a private pension and retiring very early while claiming poverty. I had a social worker and while I don't know what triggered this (it's just mentioned on my medical records) I do know from job that the bar for this is far worse than being a typical "bad" parent.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 04/03/2025 19:02

Sounds like you don't like her

Her claiming benefits has zero bearing on you as her child, but the crowd you would have met through becoming a doctor may look down on that

I'm estranged from my dm. She was actively cruel to me. I never once blamed her for our life situation, being poor etc but for me, it's the cruel comments, manipulation, mickey taking and turning people against me which is why I left.

It's up to you. If you're estranged because you feel hurt etc, you've done all you can do. But if it's because you judge/don't like her, you could try seeing life from her shoes?

x

Genandthecats · 04/03/2025 19:05

My mum was very similar but I still have regular contact but that is because I don't hold any resentment and I understand & accept that her life was not the easiest i know lots and lots of people who would have cut contact in my shoes. I definitely keep a distance but as a person I am overly emphatic.
Op you do not have to justify or reason why you don't want contact with your parent, if you believe she should have done better for you and do not want contact you are justified having no contact
Sometimes you need to break the pattern

Soubriquet · 04/03/2025 19:06

I’m sorry you went through this OP. It is entirely your choice how you proceed and you shouldn’t let anyone guilt you about it.

Im also estranged from my parents. They didn’t approve of my husband. I could deal with this but they actively took it out on my children. Promising that they will do this to their faces, and then never doing it. My kids would be so excited to get something promised, or to do something promised and then was let down. Yet she would rush over in a heart beat and do whatever my sister wanted.

Original poster

FluentMauveLurker · 04/03/2025 19:15

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 04/03/2025 19:02

Sounds like you don't like her

Her claiming benefits has zero bearing on you as her child, but the crowd you would have met through becoming a doctor may look down on that

I'm estranged from my dm. She was actively cruel to me. I never once blamed her for our life situation, being poor etc but for me, it's the cruel comments, manipulation, mickey taking and turning people against me which is why I left.

It's up to you. If you're estranged because you feel hurt etc, you've done all you can do. But if it's because you judge/don't like her, you could try seeing life from her shoes?

x

I did not know how to handle the benefits thing sensitively. She is very intelligent/capable of getting a good job and was from a middle class background yet actively chose the benefits lifestyle and then even after receiving a ridiculous amount spent it inappropriately. I feel this makes it far worse than the typical case...

It's a factor but I mainly don't speak to her because of the other stuff. The time before I left home was frankly 1,000x more difficult than anything I've ever had to face as an adult.

Thankyou.

OP posts:

Original poster

FluentMauveLurker · 04/03/2025 19:19

Genandthecats · 04/03/2025 19:05

My mum was very similar but I still have regular contact but that is because I don't hold any resentment and I understand & accept that her life was not the easiest i know lots and lots of people who would have cut contact in my shoes. I definitely keep a distance but as a person I am overly emphatic.
Op you do not have to justify or reason why you don't want contact with your parent, if you believe she should have done better for you and do not want contact you are justified having no contact
Sometimes you need to break the pattern

I am sorry you went through the same and hope you're doing better now.

Thankyou I do struggle to understand how she couldn't get basic stuff right. If I am being honest it only gets more and more confusing as I get older how she thought it was an appropriate way to act. Yeah I guess I don't need to justify it...

OP posts:

Original poster

FluentMauveLurker · 04/03/2025 19:21

Soubriquet · 04/03/2025 19:06

I’m sorry you went through this OP. It is entirely your choice how you proceed and you shouldn’t let anyone guilt you about it.

Im also estranged from my parents. They didn’t approve of my husband. I could deal with this but they actively took it out on my children. Promising that they will do this to their faces, and then never doing it. My kids would be so excited to get something promised, or to do something promised and then was let down. Yet she would rush over in a heart beat and do whatever my sister wanted.

Thankyou. I made the choice years ago but sometimes think about going back on it... like now haha :/

How petty... no justification for doing stuff like this imo. I can understand why you are estranged...

OP posts:

thepariscrimefiles · 04/03/2025 19:21

I think your childhood was awful and your mum was abusive. You weren't fed properly, you were terrified of her threats, she told you that your friends didn't like you and made it a competition between you and your brother and inappropriately gave you no privacy when in the bathroom.

You should not feel guilty about having no contact. She didn't deserve you then and doesn't deserve you now.

You have done so amazingly well to get such great qualifications and become a doctor with no help and support. You should feel very proud of yourself.

Hoppinggreen · 04/03/2025 19:24

Who do you feel you need to justify this to?
if you don't want a relationship with someeone you have every right to make that decision and stick to it.

Nellienooiloveyou · 04/03/2025 19:29

This

Nellienooiloveyou · 04/03/2025 19:30

thepariscrimefiles · 04/03/2025 19:21

I think your childhood was awful and your mum was abusive. You weren't fed properly, you were terrified of her threats, she told you that your friends didn't like you and made it a competition between you and your brother and inappropriately gave you no privacy when in the bathroom.

You should not feel guilty about having no contact. She didn't deserve you then and doesn't deserve you now.

You have done so amazingly well to get such great qualifications and become a doctor with no help and support. You should feel very proud of yourself.

This

Original poster

FluentMauveLurker · 04/03/2025 19:32

thepariscrimefiles · 04/03/2025 19:21

I think your childhood was awful and your mum was abusive. You weren't fed properly, you were terrified of her threats, she told you that your friends didn't like you and made it a competition between you and your brother and inappropriately gave you no privacy when in the bathroom.

You should not feel guilty about having no contact. She didn't deserve you then and doesn't deserve you now.

You have done so amazingly well to get such great qualifications and become a doctor with no help and support. You should feel very proud of yourself.

Thankyou for your reply. I think I sometimes doubt it because there wasn't physical/sexual abuse. I can't imagine myself doing that to DC but when I think about my own childhood it just doesn't seem that bad.

I think a lot of it was luck... not just saying this like genuinely. There were so many points where I was so close to completely messing up my life.

OP posts:

Original poster

FluentMauveLurker · 04/03/2025 19:33

Hoppinggreen · 04/03/2025 19:24

Who do you feel you need to justify this to?
if you don't want a relationship with someeone you have every right to make that decision and stick to it.

I don't know really.... myself maybe. lol. Thankyou.

OP posts:

morellamalessdrama · 05/03/2025 08:16

Feeding your children is the very basic care that a parent is meant to provide. She sounds like a terrible mother and that she wouldn't add anything to your life today.

I'm sorry you had such a difficult time. It sounds like life is a lot better for you now. You should be very proud at what you've accomplished- hope that doesn't sound patronising.

GoldMoon · 05/03/2025 08:26

Only you know your life experience and how it had an impact on you.
You have been estranged for many years so your mother and yourself are no longer the people you were back there .
I'm sorry if I'm way off , but you sound like you harbour are fair amount of disgruntled dislike of her , so for both your benefit , stay estranged .

IcecreamWhatSandwich · 05/03/2025 08:33

You are definitely not BU and agree with other posters that your mother was abusive.

If you genuinely want to have contact with your mother again, then you have to do the work that will allow you to do so. This means therapy, a lot of it, and it will probably be hard. Your goal (among others) of therapy will be to get to a point where a relationship with her is possible without being severely harmful to you.

Frankly I'm not sure if it is worth it, apart from anything else when you have done the work on yourself you may no longer need or desire to see her.

If you feel guilty about not taking care of your mother as she gets old, that's valid. But you are perfectly entitled not to look after an abusive parent, especially one who has not recognized or addressed the harm she's done.

You might think about what you can give by befriending or looking after other old people in your community. It will be an easier relationship since you won't have baggage, and might help you on a 'karmic' level.

Daisyvodka · 05/03/2025 08:46

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 04/03/2025 19:02

Sounds like you don't like her

Her claiming benefits has zero bearing on you as her child, but the crowd you would have met through becoming a doctor may look down on that

I'm estranged from my dm. She was actively cruel to me. I never once blamed her for our life situation, being poor etc but for me, it's the cruel comments, manipulation, mickey taking and turning people against me which is why I left.

It's up to you. If you're estranged because you feel hurt etc, you've done all you can do. But if it's because you judge/don't like her, you could try seeing life from her shoes?

x

I think you might have missed this bit in the OP? OPs mum was actively cruel to her, same as yours - I'm very sorry this happened to both of you.
'Telling me I had no friends/no one liked me/friends were using me.'