To need space from parents whilst I work through feelings of hurt about my upbringing

[AllyRose10]

TLDR - I am in a process of finding my identity as a mum and this is causing me to revisit my childhood. Whilst I was brought up in a safe environment, it lacked in warmth and empathy, and it felt like our parents' love for my siblings and I was dependent on us being fully compliant with their rigid standards. When we get together with my parents, they do not leave us space as a family and so we spend all of our time with them; if we carve out our own time, they tend to act 'disappointed', 'sad', or other suchlike feeling. AIBU to want/need space from them whilst I am working through these feelings, leading to them have lesser contact with our young DCs (normally once a month and for every holiday we take)?

I have two young DCs. I have never had a teenage crisis where I rejected my parents / asserted my own views, but I feel that in the process of finding my identity as a parent, I am going through a sort of such crisis in relation to my own parents. Basically I feel like my parents are very rigid and brought my siblings and I up to conform to their standards - praised us if we did conform (be quiet, got good grades, played on our own), but immediately criticised if we did not / did anything wrong. As a result I was always very 'compliant'. Now, I feel that I am discovering my identity as a mum, and also my identity as an individual. I am starting to realise that a lot of what I thought were standards/rules were actually my parents' way of doing things, which I disagree with (largely because I think this rigid approach is cold and does not produce a happy, loving, nurturing environment). I have found that I sometimes reproduce what my parents did and dislike it, and I am trying to 'deconstruct' quite a lot of that in order to build my own caring, kind and compassionate approach to parenting (not to say that it will be perfect, but at least trying to do these things and being intentional about it).

I am finding it tough to want to see my parents when I feel that I am opening myself to a softer side of me for my DCs, which is making me open the door to a lot of feelings of hurt/confusion/sadness for the child that I was. My parents were in no way abusive, they did their best, they brought us up right, gave us opportunities, and yet I still feel these negative feelings towards them because our family lacked in empathy, kindness, physical touch. Examples include, my parents fought a lot and had harsh arguments in front of us; they did not play with us; my DM told us she had been cheated on by our DF which I think participated in us 'siding' with her; my DF did not want our friends to come over at the house other than a selected couple of them who were accepted; my DM would sometimes 'lash out' when she was upset (being unable to process her feelings and therefore not shielding anyone in our nuclear family from them) and her reading of things now remains 'well it made me feel better'. So all in all, nothing abusive but not a very loving household either.

To date, since DC1 was born, all holidays have been to visit parents (because they do not live close to us), and we have invited them to stay at our place regularly (they tend to see DCs every month). When we are with them, we do not get our own space as a family because my parents are always 'there' and they tend to act sad/disappointed when we do our own thing. I have tried to ignore it but it makes me feel guilty, so we end up staying, which is stressful for me and frankly not enjoyable for DH either. My parents do not see an issue there, probably because their marriage has not been in a happy place for a long time, so they do not feel that they want their own time as a couple and therefore probably do not think that we might want our own time as a couple or as a family.

AIBU to want/need space from them whilst I am working through my feelings, which will mean that they will get less contact with our DCs? DCs are too young/my parents are too old for them to spend time just together without us.

YABU - Your parents did their best and you owe it to them to carry on as you have done, and facilitate regular contact with DCs at the rate you have done to date
YANBU - Although your parents did their best, you are allowed to feel hurt and sadness in relation to childhood events - and if space is needed, it is fine to reduce contact with DCs (not cutting it)

But when they visit of course they want to spend time with you all, it's literally why they are visiting. You have the rest of the month to carve out family time when they arnt there.

How long do they stay once a month and where?

And no you don't need to spend every holiday with them that is a bit odd. Tbh my parents live away. I travel on my own with the kids to visit parents as dh can't relax at my parents, certainly don't use all my hols though

Spending every holiday with your parents is excessive, whether they were good parents or not but particularly as their company is not really enjoyable.

Your parents obviously don't enjoy time together so need others to be present. I would definitely reduce the time I spent with them, particularly as your DH doesn't enjoy their company either.

What would they say/do if you only spent one holiday with them and reduced the monthly visits to every three months or something similar. Your parents seem very enmeshed with you and your family to the point whether you don't get any quality time with your own family without them being present.

Thanks. We have lots of enjoyable time as a family and I think I just want more of that outside our usual life (ie on holiday/breaks) without the burden of the grandparents; and I don’t want them to visit as often (they stay with us when they do, and I find their visits to be quite demanding, much more so than any other guests).

It would be entirely ok to reduce all the visits and holidays, as it is mostly down to us not inviting them and doing our own thing. I think I just carry feelings of guilt about the fact that I should be facilitating regular contact with DCs despite the distance, hence what we have done to date. I am probably still acting and thinking as a child who wants to please their parents instead of acting as the parent myself, and because we are changing our habits I feel guilty and am looking for some external validation.

how often are you seeing them?

I think it’s fine to see grandparents from far away every 2-3 months. Just cut down the time you see them - don’t go no contact - just go less contact that suits you. I’d hate to spend every holiday with grandparents - you don’t have to do that you know

It sounds like they did the best they could. Maybe seek therapy if you feel they caused you trauma to the point you want to avoid seeing them for the foreseeable future
You sound very rigid and wanting to control things yourself. So maybe they did influence you in that sense

I was going to write before your update, you’re still trying to please them. You’re also trying to make things go ‘right’ and who’s to say that’s down to you alone? Also, what’s right? It sounds like their attitude has left a deep legacy within you. It might feel significant if you get something wrong or they go in a huff. But is it? Your upbringing conditioned you to feel that way. At the moment you can always bugger off and close your own front door. They don’t run your life anymore, so they use guilt now to exercise control. If they want to be ‘sad’ then what will happen if you say ‘oh Mum, we’ll see you soon, we need some family time’ and then let them get on with it? They had their time to decide what was best for them and theirs and now so do you and your DH.

You were probably quite sad yourself listening to details of infidelity and adult arguments growing up. Your mum said it made her feel better to handle things as she did, and that ‘me first’ attitude came before the welfare of her children. Maybe she just couldn’t help it but that doesn’t mean her behaviour didn’t create emotions in you. You can’t help your emotional responses to your childhood either. Actions create reactions. You’re not a robot.

Really, it’s not up to you to be a buffer because they don’t like being alone together either. They’ve chosen to remain in a dysfunctional marriage and that became your problem growing up as a result of their (in)actions. Your parents may not like everything you do but you’re as entitled to walk your own road as they were. Their feelings don’t trump yours. It’s hard to believe when you’ve been trained from infancy to think they do.

On a practical level I would say if you want to maintain a relationship, choose an amount of time that doesn’t feel too mentally or emotionally taxing and go with that. We could do two days, three nights. Beyond that, they’d get bored of the novelty of the little ones, irritated by the amount of toilets flushing or minor inconveniences and slide back into old ways. Then there was a danger of temper and moods and shouting and tension. I avoided that possibility. It wasn’t without challenges but there was never going to be some big heart-to-heart where everyone said their feelings about what happened in years gone by and spoke sensibly about how that informed the present. Not a chance.

While our kids were small I just made the best of whatever was positive and concentrated on their nicer attributes. I tried to give them their place, and see the good, and there was good. Sometimes grandparents are amazing, much more so than they were as parents. If that’s the case here, brilliant. Let them be involved at a level where you can cope.

However, that doesn’t mean the best way to deal with the past FOR YOU is to bottle it up and ignore it. So I’d also say maybe therapy about some of the childhood stuff that has been raising its head since you’ve had kids of your own would help. That probably also means a bit of mental space to work through things without being put under pressure.

Future you will thank you; I suspect I am older than you (given the ages of our respective children) and what I have found is that the weaker and less capable they got, the more I was dragged back in by them, to a place that I thought I’d long left behind. It was like being eleven again, a horrible form of emotional time travel, while simultaneously being the responsible adult in the room. It’s not a recipe for good mental health.

Tensions within a relationship don’t necessarily resolve by magic as the participants age. You might end up caring for them, or if not, having to spend a lot of time supporting them and working stuff out on their behalf as their needs increase.

Hopefully all this is validation. From your end, probably thinking about counselling and trying to find peace wouldn’t hurt. Some of that might involve setting boundaries and not beating yourself up about holding to them. Work on believing that you are just as important as them. Children aren’t our props, whipping boys or second chances.

Plaudits to you for drawing useful learnings from your past and knowing what sort of parent you want to be.