I need to fall back in love with my husband and life

[ANeverNeedyEverLovelyJewel]

Tale as old as time. 46, perimenopausal. Feel shit about myself. Married 17 years. Two kids. Weight gain. Wrinkles. Death of a parent last year. Attention from man at work, increasing frequency of messages. Outside of work and at weekends. Nothing sleazy or too flirtatious but enough that I would be upset if I saw them on DH phone. Skirting very close to an emotional affair. I've ended it. Told him I can't continue being his friend and have blocked him. But now I need some help falling back in love with my husband and my life. This gave me an ego boost, made me feel alive again I guess. But I love my husband and am 100% committed to getting back on track with him. Can anyone offer any advice?

Do the things that help you feel connected to him and do things that feel more adventurous too.
Spend quality time with each other.

Make small changes, thinking that you want to just jump back into this overly happy life and be wildly in love will seem overwhelming.

Make the effort to say a nice goodbye in the morning when one of you leaves the house for work. If you don’t want to jump in to a kiss start with a “I really hope you have a great day, I’m looking forward to catching up about it this evening.” Then progress to a hug etc.

Start making plans. Not just with your husband but all round in your life. Take a trip to the cinema with your kids, go out for dinner with your husband. Book a little holiday for you all.

Start being kinder to yourself and your body. Make an active effort to drink more water throughout the day and getting yourself outside for a walk every day. That could be alone, on your lunch break or in the evening with your husband/kids. You’ll be surprised how much getting outside everyday and walking can change your mindset and outlook on things.

The key things are to be more conscious of being present in the moment and putting in what you would like others to put in. Sending thoughtful messages through the day, wanting to make plans to have quality time together.

Was thinking this morning how when we used to be invited to weddings we’d head off on a road trip and have a laugh, just the two of us. That fell by the wayside but I think it’s the secret really, start spending fun times together, not just in front of the tv at night

I’m trying to make the effort with my partner too. Hormones have been awful, I’ve had no sex drive, I’ve felt down about myself but I have almost lost him over pushing him away.

It has given me the kick to take care of myself and to do the things that always made me feel good. In turn I feel more myself and it helps me want him. I know I love him its just been a really blah time.

Sorry, I know you said you wanna make an effort to "rekindle" with your husband/partner, however, my most honest advice would be to fall in love with a single life.
I'm the same age as you, very different circumstances.

Before I opened this thread I thought "I bet it's peri". Are you on any treatment for peri? Kids and peri - you are getting slammed hormonally and energy wise.

Are things fairly balanced at home? Workload, finances, mental load?

Some great suggestions from @DaisyChain505

I’m reading a book at the moment about relationships and love. The words in it can be a bit airy fairy but the underlying message is to truly feel fulfilled in your relationships, you need to love yourself first (easier said than done when life gets in the way!!).

Perhaps a combination of making small changes in your interactions with each other and also doing things for you, that make you happy. Taking yourself on a little coffee date or cinema date or whatever it is you enjoy. Joining a class, getting outside for a short walk etc.

Another one - are you and your DH able to take a short trip together / long weekend? Or if that isn’t possible can you manage a regular ‘date’ night that you try and stick to (perhaps once a month or once a quarter or whatever feels manageable for you). You don’t need to call it a date as such, just carving out time, outside of the house and outside of your usual routine, just the two of you.

Fall in love with yourself first. You say you feel shit about yourself. That needs to change. My therapist gave me four pillars to think about - body, mind, soul and spirit. I try to do something for each every day.

Body - find a sport or activity you enjoy and commit to little and often. I took up running and cycling, things I had enjoyed when younger. I also started putting more effort into things like manicures, haircuts and facials having never done it in my life before. I also got myself onto HRT.
Mind - learn something new. I chose a language and practice daily. I try to read and listen to podcasts or audio books while running.
Soul - taking care of emotional health, choosing to do things I know I will enjoy, saying no to things I don't want or need in my life. Meeting with friends more often.
Spirit - I am not religious, but getting out into nature, and really looking at the world anew restores my spirit. For others, they may pray.

Together we have also had a lot of difficult conversations about who we both are, what we both want from life, how to ensure our workload is balanced and stopping resentment before it builds. We got very close to divorce but neither of us really wanted it, so consciously chose to do things differently.

Some of John Gottman's work might help you.

nothing too sleazy or flirtatious

I bet they are 🙄

This. Do more for yourself to be the best version of yourself. Feeling better about yourself again will transfer onto your relationships with others.

DH and I try to take a day off when the kids are at school. So we have 9 to 3.30 together for lunch out, a long walk, movie or even a day spa.
Time together away from demands is essential.

Invest in your health, fitness and self esteem by going to the gym, or finding a sport/exercise that you like.

Go on a date night or weekend break with your husband without the kids if possible.

Do you have a decent sex life already, or does your plan need to include rekindling that?

Decent sex life but a bit sporadic. I'm the breadwinner, very stressful and full on job. Carry a lot of the mental load but he does do his fair share. Got a night away booked for his birthday next week so that's great timing. I've also just looked at some nice cottages around Easter for me, him and the girls. But I know I also need to work on myself. Just no idea how!

Well for me it was some self care. Starting hrt - mirena and estrogen patches.
Taking decent supplement
Joining slimming group
Aiming to move/exercise 3x a week

Then having some alone quality time with dh and er some me time in the bedroom to get back in the swing