I’m heartbroken. I really hate oxytocin.

[purpletrainline]

I’m absolutely heartbroken. Lots and lots of heart ache.

I just need to vent.

I’m mid 40’s and boyfriend is 50. We met at Christmas on bumble. Got on so well and saw each other lots. Lots of dates. We video called each other most nights. Every morning ‘good morning’ and a ‘night night’ at the end. He wanted me to meet his parents and so I did. They are going elderly but so lovely. He wanted me to meet his children aged 16 and 18 and I did. My children stay with me every alternate week. His children stays with him 100-% of the time.
We were smitten. I stayed over at his home twice on a weekend and he stayed over at my home once in the last two months.
The catch is that we live a 100 miles apart- opposite sides of London! I work in London and he occasionally works in London.

I nearly didn’t go on the first date because of that. I also screenshotted a google map with the two towns in the very first chats . At the first date we had a great time and a lot of chemistry. But I said to him that I thought the elephant in the room was the distance. He reassured me that we will find a routine, that it will work out, that he can work from anywhere and that from Sept he probably won’t have any children in the house. One is off to uni and the other going to college away from home. The younger one since decided to do A levels at their current school.

We also kissed a lot and couldn’t really keep our hands off. Sex was amazing. This past weekend he came to my home the first time. And I guess, it’s not until you get in the car and drive that distance that you realise how far it is.

Friday was great but Saturday when we woke up something was off. I couldn’t put me finger on it. He was more distanced and didn’t cuddle me like he always did. He said he didn’t sleep well and so I thought it was that. We got up and went to the gym- he loves the gym. Then went out and had breakfast in the high street. Back home and took a quick shower. Then went to the cinema and saw the new B J film. He didn’t touch me at all. I thought it was odd. Very unlike him.

We then went back home. He had a conversation with me in the kitchen. Out of the blue. But at soon as he started it made complete sense why was so withdrawn. He said that another 10 days or so will go by and we won’t see each other. Various work commitments, two funerals, him going on a trip, his child having a sports tournament, my children being with me. And that we were both so busy and that he didn’t have time.

And he then told me that I should have a think how all of this can work because he can’t see how it can work. He said it was so difficult to see each other in person. But the way he said it to me, it clearly sounded like he already had a think. I felt upset and pushed away.

He then left and said he would let me know when he got home, like he always did. But he never did. Usually I would get messages mid drive too. But none.

Later he sent me a short message that he was home, took his dogs for a walk and took his mum to the pub. Just a cold message. Gone were the kisses at the end.

I didn’t sleep at all. I felt so sad. It all happened so quickly. Gone was the good night xxx message from him. And the next morning.
I’m devastated. It went completely cold so quickly. It’s unbelievable.

I’m really not happy with oxytocin. Women’s bodies are designed differently. Whether I want it or not, my brain is absolutely flooded with oxytocin after sex and especially after orgasm. That’s the attachment hormone, the bonding hormone, emotional connection, trust, sense of security, love and cuddle hormone. It’s the same hormone that is released right after a woman gives birth.

When someone hasn’t actually earned a space in your heart just yet, oxytocin makes it feel that way. *

Whereas a man’s body is flooded with dopamine, which is the same hormone rush after using a drug. Simpler pleasure. It can go a much longer time without any real connection. Men can sometimes can be driven a lot more by lust and attraction, rather than bonding. Liking and wanting. All thanks to dopamine. My hormones are different.

I feel a little bit used. His sex drive is really high.

i’m just upset and feel a mess, had a proper sob the last couple of days.

I had such an amazing two months with him. I just cannot believe it’s over.

I sent him another message today. “I’m thinking of you loads. Been rather painful but I’m ok. Are you ok?”

He responded “Glad you are ok. I am doing ok, thanks for asking. I know it’s painful.”

I feel like I’m being pushed through a laminator and that all the butterflies and kisses and daily video calls, and good night/ good morning messages, the time spent together, the dog walks the cuddles and intimacy. All of it is being squeezed out of me and I don’t like it one bit.
And I just miss him.

Even though I feel so sad and heartbroken, I should leave him I peace?
Because Sunday I thought about him all day and knew he was at a sports tournament with his 16 year old all afternoon, and by the end of all that I sent him a quick message asking if he was back home.

Hr just briefly replied.
“Yes just sorting washing.”

So cold and distanced. No more kisses.
Today at work I sent him a message, saying “I’m thinking of you loads. Been rather painful but I’m ok. Are you ok?”

I replied, “Glad you are ok. I am doing ok, thanks for asking. I know its painful.”

I miss him so much but he is pulling away more and more? What do do with myself?

I know it was just a short relationship. You can hardly call it a relationship. Two months. I wish we had a selfie but we don’t. An intense fling? But I’m so sad.

If you’re ND, or you had abusive parents (or both) then you’re much more vulnerable to user-men. And don’t say ‘get therapy’ because that’s very expensive. I’ve had 2 years of self funded therapy which helped me a lot but has not turned me into someone who can avoid manipulation.

This is not something that women should be repeatedly berated for.

Im sick of the sanctimonious posts on here that assume it’s the woman’s fault.

Edited to add that I’m not aiming this at the author of the post I quoted but some of the responses on this thread which are unkind and judgemental.

Oh dear, he’s clearly fickle if he was love bombing you then ended it. And a red flag he introduced you to his kids and parents within two months! How did he introduce you to them? As a friend or girlfriend?

If something did put him off, are you sure it was the distance. It wasn’t something about your home or how he found it staying there, if it was the first time he’d been there? You don’t have a collection of soft toys or dolls around your bed, or anything, do you? You didn’t pull a huge vibrator out of your bedside drawer? 😂

I wouldn’t keep messaging him. He’s clearly finished with you. Sounds like he wasn’t being authentic and honest if he could end it that abruptly the morning after having sex, after persuading you the distance could work.

I know it’s hard but at least you enjoyed it while it lasted. Hopefully, he’s not a burglar using an elaborate ruse to case people’s homes.

Im sick of the sanctimonious posts on here that assume it’s the woman’s fault.

Saying someone has been naive is not the same as saying it’s their fault they’ve been used. The real blame rests with the user. But people like the OP need to learn to register and pay attention to red flags when they see them.

I say this as someone who had to learn that myself. I have no problem admitting that I was naive BUT I also felt something wasn’t quite right at the time - that it was all a little “too much”, “too perfect”, so if I’d taken a pause and let myself listen to my own good sense talking, I might not have ended up in an abusive relationship.

And you don’t need expensive therapy - I worked out where I was going wrong through reading online, books and forums like this!

If you genuinely cannot avoid manipulation (although to be honest, I don’t think that’s a real thing, I think you just need to learn how to have strong boundaries), I would suggest you’re not cut out for dating.

I assume you’ve got the perfect partner then?

Some of the messages on this thread have been downright nasty, like saying the OP sounds 14.

Are you talking to me here?

I agree there’s no need to be contemptuous to the OP when pointing out where she may have gone wrong.

Weirdly, my daughter has only just today come out of a similar situation.
Admittedly the guy she was seeing wasn't as nice and much lower effort.
My advice to her was to get in there and dump him first. Don't give him the satisfaction of any fawning messages. He has told you it's not working and it is time for you to move on.
So sorry

Working on the assumption that you were addressing me, I would say that the idea that “perfect partners” exist is the sort of unhealthy thinking that leads to people getting caught up in love-bombing.

All people are flawed, all partners are flawed. There’s no magical prince coming to sweep you off your feet and solve all your problems, and there’s no “soulmate” who will match and “get you” ideally.

All people are putting their best foot forward when you first meet them, and likewise, we’re all making hopeful projections about what the other person might be like. It takes time - many months, usually - to recognise how well those hopes match up to reality.

The important bit, the bit that makes a difference in whether relationships succeed or fail, comes when you do start to see that your expectations don’t meet reality, your wonderful partner is less than perfect in quite a few ways, and you have differences, sometimes quite tough ones to reconcile. The ability of both people to navigate and reconcile (or accept) differences is what counts.

FWIW, I do have a partner, who is not perfect and can even be annoying at times, but he is a great listener and responder, very loving, able to say sorry wholeheartedly when he’s wrong, able to give difficult feedback or express alternative opinions kindly, and maybe most importantly, says what he means and means what he says.

We have not rushed things, in fact, we have been together well over a year and he hasn’t yet met my kids for a range of reasons, but we both believe we have a long timeline ahead of us so there is no rush to do so.

He sounds horrible to do that to you. Clearly wasn't in it for the long run if he can go cold like that. I'd stop messaging him. Hes probably met someone else. I know it's hard but 2 months at least and you've not wasted any more time than that.

This.

OP, sympathy you’re so hurt, but I do think you need to take some responsibility for this. Be a bit more guarded and listen to your own misgivings. You were also initially concerned by the distance. And if you know you’re unusually prone to finding sex ‘bonding’, I’d postpone having sex a bit and take new relationships more slowly.

OP @purpletrainline on behalf of all women please do us a favour… please ghost him first and block him and at least you can hold your head up high as you’ve taken control and not him. He’s been mean , end of. He love bombed you and now ran. I expect he has previous form of this.

Or he changed his mind when he properly understood the distance, when he was looking at a particularly busy period, and when his child changed their mind about doing A-levels away from home? I don’t think there’s any point in demonising him on the off chance it makes the OP feel better. Yes, he should obviously have communicated better.

He is testing you OP. He wants to see if he pulls away, will you beg and give him even more attention to stroke his fragile ego. It’s classic man behaviour. Ignore him at all costs, he will HATE that

In the early hours of this morning I made a long list of pointers from this thread. Really useful for me. Helped loads to change my mindset.

• Don’t be someone’s option when you are not their priority.
• He's already checked out.
• It’s not normal for someone to be that intense so very early on. You don’t know each other. True love develops over time when you both know each other. Someone who love bombs either has ulterior motives and will end up controlling, or they are avoidant and are love bombing in the hope to get you attached to them to stroke their own ego. Then they get bored when all the excitement wears off and move on.
• It’s never about you, it’s about them and meeting their needs. They can’t love a healthy way. And you pining after him just lets him know that you care about him and he has you exactly where he wants you should he decide he wants to continue messing with your head. Block him.
• There is something wrong with him, not you because he has treated you really cruelly.
• You swerved a bullet
• You only waisted 2 months
• Don’t give him any more chances to hurt you
• You deserve better
• Long distance doesn’t work with kids unless one uproots
• You are just massaging his ego by letting him know you are still there and available. Stop all contact.
• He hadn’t even made the trip once until last weekend yet was taking you to meet his parents and kids and acting like you had a strong future together. That’s just batshit behaviour.
• When you rush into a relationship it's like a flash fire! A big flash of excitement and then it goes out like a light.
• True love is decades down the line, all flaws exposed, crisis tested, shared history and still wanting to spend time together.
• you'll get the "hey you..." text from him in a few months when he's feeling horny and wants to get a quick leg over. You're worth waaaaaaay more than that.
• ultimately he didn't have the feelings to make it work on his part
• Some guys do this for a living….just no depth. It’s a conquest thing.
• If a man is into you he will do anything to see you. He’s just a dick.
• He needs to go and fuck himself.
• Don’t buy his bullshit
• He Switched off his feelings pretty fast.
• he is a dick. And you need to go watch he’s just not that into you with some ice cream then be done with him.
• Go completely no contact for about 2 months. Like block on everything. If he manages to contact you , even if he’s suddenly being really nice, do not engage. Not at all. There's stuff you can read about it - google ‘no contact rule’. It’s hands down the best way to heal and might also have the fringe benefit of pissing him off / leaving him heartbroken , long after you’ve moved on to better things. Result!
• Delete his number. He's a well practiced player.
• Take it far more slowly next time..
• he may have been future faking until he managed to bed you then lost interest.
• He’s clearly finished with you. Sounds like he wasn’t being authentic and honest if he could end it that abruptly the morning after having sex, after persuading you the distance could work.
• learn how to have strong boundaries
• All people are flawed, all partners are flawed. There’s no magical prince coming to sweep you off your feet and solve all your problems, and there’s no “soulmate” who will match and “get you” ideally.
• The important bit, the bit that makes a difference in whether relationships succeed or fail, comes when you do start to see that your expectations don’t meet reality, your wonderful partner is less than perfect in quite a few ways, and you have differences, sometimes quite tough ones to reconcile. The ability of both people to navigate and reconcile (or accept) differences is what counts.
• he absolutely love bombed you for the validation and is now bored of it.
• If he wanted it to work, it would have.
• He honestly sounds like a massive shit.
• But going in strong then sulking is poor behaviour.
• The good news is you're open to a relationship and love so you'll find a great guy and settle down when you're ready while this guy will still be off doing his lovebombing in 3 month stints until he runs out of options eventually.
• definitely block because he will fizzle out contact and then pop back up in 6-12 months again when he's bored. They always do.
• you want someone who makes an effort for you, not the other way around!
• You are craving the tiny boosts of dopamine you when he replies - its scraps though, and its prolonging the agony.
• it’s not him ending it but the way he did that’s so hurtful. Walk away with your head held high
• He can only mess with your mind if you let him.
• He should have been more level-headed and protective of his children's stability, not involving them in his dating life.
• your boyfriend is and always was a twat. Lots of red flags such as introducing his kids when you’d been together a matter of weeks. Insisting it would work out long distance and then changing his mind when it got a tiny bit difficult. He sounds like a total knob, he probably didn’t come off the dating site when you were seeing each other and chances are he’s found someone more convenient now so he is binning you off.
• Not a nice thing to happen, but you were right about geography being a problem when both have DC under 18 at home - it’s probable he just said otherwise to increase his chances of sex and a short term relationship.
• You won’t be the only woman he’s done this to. He will be hugely experienced at playing the field.
• Don't introduce anyone to your kids so quick, don't invest so much of yourself into anyone so quick.
• He has love bombed you. 8 weeks in you should just be getting to know each other properly, this is too intense and that in itself is a massive red flag.
• It’s not you, it’s him. Don’t tolerate this behaviour, don’t sit waiting for him to text.
• Telling him you miss him is only going to feed his ego. He doesn't miss you at all.
• You need to move forward and the way to do that is to never have any from of contact again. Block him on every form of communication and delete his number.
• If someone wants you 100 miles won’t stop them
• he will contact you again when he’s feeling bored, lonely, needy or horny, and you will have begun to heal from this by then
• stop reaching out to him and I’d be playing hard to get / aloof.
• You are stoking his ego by texting him. He isn't interested. Find your anger, delete his details so that you can't embarrass yourself.
• You can/will do much better.
• Harshly, you’re not heartbroken over him. You’re heartbroken over the thought of him.
• You don’t know this man. You’ve only known him a number of weeks. You don’t truly know his personality.
• Men, usually, think with their knobs. Their affection, kisses, cuddles etc. don’t mean jack shit in the early days before they truly get to know a woman.
• He sounds like a typical love bomber and only wanting the convenience of sex and affection of when it suits him. He may be older than you, but he’s not ready for a relationship or anything serious right now.
• Any sensible person knows you can’t get to know someone well within a few weeks and would be cautious about bringing a new person into their children’s lives because you simply cannot know if things will last based on that short of an acquaintance.
• He is a waste of time with his silly love bombing and then growing cold. It's not very mature behaviour.
• Definitely block him for your own well being. Retaining your dignity is going to be important for you and you'll look back feeling proud that you did. And he's likely to crawl back for attention or casual sex which you just cannot allow.
• You are hoping he's going to tell you it's all a mistake and he was wrong . He won't.
• Go absolutely stone cold on him - not a single message further. He sounds like a player
• The bottom line is that if he really wanted to make this work, he would. Many long distance relationships have survived all sorts of obstacles
• good luck, a shame but definitely the right decision for both of us. Really though the key thing is just cut contact.
• You were love bombed and used. He is done with you. It was a TWO MONTH relationship
• He had absolutely no feelings for you whatsoever. He never did. He wanted the convenience of sex and affection from you when it suited him. To stroke his ego. He introduced you to his kids because he evidently has no emotional maturity or concerns for his own kids security.
• To him, introducing his kids to you was a non-event. Once he caught wind of you falling for him he thought “nah, fuck this” and dropped her like a sack of spuds. Because he isn’t ready for a serious relationship.
• Life's too short to have your heart played with like this, you're not a teenager anymore but he's acting like one. His loss
• there wasn't ever a reason for you to ever go to his house, he did it for convenience...
• It all moved quite quickly, didn’t it? You only met at Christmas and it sounded very intense. That’s a massive red flag. Sounds like he absolutely love bombed you for the validation and is now bored of it. I know it hurts. Best not to rush into things like that. You barely know each other.
• He sounds horrible to do that to you. Clearly wasn't in it for the long run if he can go cold like that.

The little shit!!! I stopped sharing his location with me some time last night! (One time on a date in London we both added each other on Find Me as it made it so much easier to see location in busy parts of London when we were meeting up, and it being impossible to predict exact ETA’s with both travelling an hour in). And so we were still on each other’s Find Me apps. And I loved opening the app and clicking on the map sometimes, made the distance feel not to far, to sort of see where someone is. Definitely in a non-cringey way.

So either he blocked me first some time last night - because when you do that, the person is also removed from your Find Me.
Or he simply stopped sharing his location.

Either way, the little shit!!!!

I’ve blocked and deleted him everywhere.

And to help me process things, I made a list with a few bullet points of why I’m mad at him. I needed to do that. Because I really wasn’t mad enough. Earlier the morning, I thought I would take the advice of everyone on here and go no contact. But because it is good advice. But I still thought of him as a nice person. That it just didn’t work out. The distance was too much. Both our lives too busy.

But now I’m really mad and I can see and accept all the little ways and things he did or didn’t do, that just wasn’t good enough, not kind, no priority for him.

It helps enormously to block and go no contact. I’m on the train to London right now and a spring in my step! And almost motivated and much more ambitious. Yesterday was just a disaster

I think the stop sharing the location is a good thing. You would have kept checking up on him, this allows you to have a proper break.
I’m not usually one who says to block but in this situation I actually think it would be good for you to block him. It’s not healthy to want to check up on him and it would allow you to not to be tempted to message him.

@purpletrainline if its made you feel better for writing this list then great, but I think you should draw a line under it now and try to move on. Do you think he's giving it this much headspace? No. Maybe write a list now of all the things that bring you joy and tick these off over the next few weeks (lunch with friends, a trip to the cinema, a good book, your favourite meal, a much loved boxset, etc).

As for no longer sharing his location, that is absolutely fair enough. Why would he continue sharing his location with you when the relationship has ended? I think you should seriously consider blocking him and deleting his number, for your own wellbeing.

The little shit!!! I stopped sharing his location with me some time last night

Presuming you mean he stopped sharing his location with you, I'd say that's a good and very normal thing to do when you have ended a relationship. Along with stopping messaging them, especially with kisses at the end.

With all due respect, I've got things in my fridge that have been there longer than you've known him, you dated him for a few weeks and it didn't work out. Yes, you can jump around and call him a love bomber and future faker, but you really do give away all your power when you do this.

You have as much agency as him. You are a grown adult woman and mother of teenagers, and you have a duty of care to yourself and them not to get blindsided like this after a few dates. This is not love. This is a flash in the pan infatuation, and the less energy you put into it, the sooner you will move on. He has ended it, he has decided he doesn't want to continue getting to know you, and while this can be a bit of a bruise to the ego, it's very reasonable behaviour. Don't make him into the villain of the century, and you his current victim, that's not going to help you.

Writing things down is processing for me. Yes, I am an over-thinker like someone said on here.
And apologies if you are bored with my stories. Please scroll on if that’s the case.

And someone else made a comment about AI. There really is no AI. It’s me, journaling, blogging (private) and writing down thoughts.

It's maybe not a case of people getting bored with your stories, more providing a bit of external perspective. Put it down for today and get outside and move your body, process it out and draw a line.

one of posts says, the little shit. I stopped…

it should read HE stopped sharing.

not sure how to edit.

Right, in London. First meeting at 9. Beware anyone. 😬 I’m a little bit more assertive today than usual…

It's not being a 'shit' to stop sharing your location with someone once your relationship is over.

You need to stop thinking about him and analysing your brief relationship - it won't bring him back.

@purpletrainline I hadn't seen your most recent message (3/3) when I posted my response.

I'm glad you've blocked him. If you haven't already I would recommend going as far as removing all traces of him from your phone.

I can relate to the overthinking, but you need to be careful not to overanalyse. As others have said, you can't really know someone in this short a space of time, so trying to pin too much meaning on anything is a hiding to nothing.

EDIT: I say this as someone who would also over analyse the end of relationships, until I read He's Just Not That Into You after the end of a two year relationship. It was so liberating to free myself of all the bullshit we tell ourselves and our friends at the end of relationships to make ourselves feel better, and just accept that sometimes they're just not that into you. You're rarely the exception to this.

It's a good thing that he stopped sharing location. Good that you have now blocked him.

It's time to draw a line under it and move onto better things.