I’m heartbroken. I really hate oxytocin.

[purpletrainline]

I’m absolutely heartbroken. Lots and lots of heart ache.

I just need to vent.

I’m mid 40’s and boyfriend is 50. We met at Christmas on bumble. Got on so well and saw each other lots. Lots of dates. We video called each other most nights. Every morning ‘good morning’ and a ‘night night’ at the end. He wanted me to meet his parents and so I did. They are going elderly but so lovely. He wanted me to meet his children aged 16 and 18 and I did. My children stay with me every alternate week. His children stays with him 100-% of the time.
We were smitten. I stayed over at his home twice on a weekend and he stayed over at my home once in the last two months.
The catch is that we live a 100 miles apart- opposite sides of London! I work in London and he occasionally works in London.

I nearly didn’t go on the first date because of that. I also screenshotted a google map with the two towns in the very first chats . At the first date we had a great time and a lot of chemistry. But I said to him that I thought the elephant in the room was the distance. He reassured me that we will find a routine, that it will work out, that he can work from anywhere and that from Sept he probably won’t have any children in the house. One is off to uni and the other going to college away from home. The younger one since decided to do A levels at their current school.

We also kissed a lot and couldn’t really keep our hands off. Sex was amazing. This past weekend he came to my home the first time. And I guess, it’s not until you get in the car and drive that distance that you realise how far it is.

Friday was great but Saturday when we woke up something was off. I couldn’t put me finger on it. He was more distanced and didn’t cuddle me like he always did. He said he didn’t sleep well and so I thought it was that. We got up and went to the gym- he loves the gym. Then went out and had breakfast in the high street. Back home and took a quick shower. Then went to the cinema and saw the new B J film. He didn’t touch me at all. I thought it was odd. Very unlike him.

We then went back home. He had a conversation with me in the kitchen. Out of the blue. But at soon as he started it made complete sense why was so withdrawn. He said that another 10 days or so will go by and we won’t see each other. Various work commitments, two funerals, him going on a trip, his child having a sports tournament, my children being with me. And that we were both so busy and that he didn’t have time.

And he then told me that I should have a think how all of this can work because he can’t see how it can work. He said it was so difficult to see each other in person. But the way he said it to me, it clearly sounded like he already had a think. I felt upset and pushed away.

He then left and said he would let me know when he got home, like he always did. But he never did. Usually I would get messages mid drive too. But none.

Later he sent me a short message that he was home, took his dogs for a walk and took his mum to the pub. Just a cold message. Gone were the kisses at the end.

I didn’t sleep at all. I felt so sad. It all happened so quickly. Gone was the good night xxx message from him. And the next morning.
I’m devastated. It went completely cold so quickly. It’s unbelievable.

I’m really not happy with oxytocin. Women’s bodies are designed differently. Whether I want it or not, my brain is absolutely flooded with oxytocin after sex and especially after orgasm. That’s the attachment hormone, the bonding hormone, emotional connection, trust, sense of security, love and cuddle hormone. It’s the same hormone that is released right after a woman gives birth.

When someone hasn’t actually earned a space in your heart just yet, oxytocin makes it feel that way. *

Whereas a man’s body is flooded with dopamine, which is the same hormone rush after using a drug. Simpler pleasure. It can go a much longer time without any real connection. Men can sometimes can be driven a lot more by lust and attraction, rather than bonding. Liking and wanting. All thanks to dopamine. My hormones are different.

I feel a little bit used. His sex drive is really high.

i’m just upset and feel a mess, had a proper sob the last couple of days.

I had such an amazing two months with him. I just cannot believe it’s over.

I sent him another message today. “I’m thinking of you loads. Been rather painful but I’m ok. Are you ok?”

He responded “Glad you are ok. I am doing ok, thanks for asking. I know it’s painful.”

I feel like I’m being pushed through a laminator and that all the butterflies and kisses and daily video calls, and good night/ good morning messages, the time spent together, the dog walks the cuddles and intimacy. All of it is being squeezed out of me and I don’t like it one bit.
And I just miss him.

Even though I feel so sad and heartbroken, I should leave him I peace?
Because Sunday I thought about him all day and knew he was at a sports tournament with his 16 year old all afternoon, and by the end of all that I sent him a quick message asking if he was back home.

Hr just briefly replied.
“Yes just sorting washing.”

So cold and distanced. No more kisses.
Today at work I sent him a message, saying “I’m thinking of you loads. Been rather painful but I’m ok. Are you ok?”

I replied, “Glad you are ok. I am doing ok, thanks for asking. I know its painful.”

I miss him so much but he is pulling away more and more? What do do with myself?

I know it was just a short relationship. You can hardly call it a relationship. Two months. I wish we had a selfie but we don’t. An intense fling? But I’m so sad.

If someone wants you 100 miles won’t stop them x

I agree he will contact you again when he’s feeling bored, lonely, needy or horny, and you will have begun to heal from this by then and won’t need the distraction. He’s not the one for you. Block him, cry, then pick yourself up and move on.

Gently, you sound quite naive, OP, and perhaps a bit vulnerable to a romantic fantasy? Be careful out there, there are a lot of people who will see that a mile off, tell you exactly what you want to hear, get what they want then disappear. Don't be played, OP.

What’s his relationship history? (Or what he has told you)

He has an avoidant attachment, you have dodged a bullet.

Oxytocin isn’t to blame, lovebombing is.

Did his kids and parents not seem somewhat bemused by meeting someone he’d been dating a matter of weeks? If not, they’ve probably seen it all before, multiple times.

You are stoking his ego by texting him. He isn't interested. Find your anger, delete his details so that you can't embarrass yourself.
You can/will do much better.

There is something wrong with him, not you because he has treated you really cruelly. He sounds a bit like my long term (to my cost) on/off ex with whom I also now have a child. I think mine has borderline personality disorder.

It was a similar timeframe to yours - we met at Xmas time and he was saying he loved me by February (one day) then the next week he was saying we're not quite right for each other, this needs to end. (March). By May he was saying he wanted me back and how sorry he was.

I discovered in the end that he had never properly broken up with the gf he had before me and she had messaged him and he had gone back to her. But he never left me alone and it's still going on to this day .

I'm afraid he never did go away. And my guess is that this guy will do the same thing to you and be on and off.

Please don't let's bring attachment styles into it, we're already dealing with love hormones! There's enough pop psychology muddying the waters! 😊

You sound Lovely but you also sound like an overthinker. I have never thought about the oxytocin / dopamine stuff you mentioned, ever! I would just assume he’s not that into you and therefore it’s not what you thought it was. I would stop reaching out to him and I’d be playing hard to get / aloof. I bet he’s enjoyed the chase and now is backing off. You’ve certainly made me think though with what you’ve said about the different hormones!! I say he’s not the right one for you. Keep looking. Be kind to yourself and do something nice for yourself this week. Xxx

@purpletrainline have posted about him before and constantly wanting sex and being rough with you and wanting to stay over at yours? Apologies if not but the ages for children fit.

if so block 100% block

It's reasonable for the op to think he was serious if he introduced his children to her.

Let's not be blaming people for taking someone on face value.

It does sound like love bombing but, out of interest, are the two funerals on your side or his as it can be hard to feel passionate and romantic during times of grief?

I don’t think an intense start to a relationship is a red flag at all. Me and DH were head over heels from the 2nd date and have stayed that way ever since. When you’re older you know yourself and what you like. It’s nothing like when you’re young and figuring it all out.

Just let it cool off, no need to block or do anything dramatic. Who cares if he pops up again in 6 months, the ball’s in your court if you want to see him again or not.

His relationship history is that he was married for 20 years. Divorced amicably, still contact with ex. For example, she occasionally will home to the house to pick things up, they share a dog, they will drive midway to drop the dog, they will both go to the funerals next week although he asks her not to come to the one as his brothers doesn’t want her there.

He was then in a relationship for 7-8 months with someone who didn’t like the very strong relationship he has with his 16 year old daughter (the one who doesn’t want her mum anywhere near her), and who wanted him to stay at hers more often and for longer but he couldn’t because his children live with him all the time. His oldest daughter still has contact with her.

This is what he told me.

God, is no one allowed to change their minds about a relationship these days? Without it being some sort of attachment disorder (WTF?) or syndrome or whatever the current buzz words are?

It’s taking a man at face value that’s the problem.

If more women assumed the worst of men until they’ve proved otherwise we’d be infinitely better off.

Harshly, you’re not heartbroken over him. You’re heartbroken over the thought of him.

You don’t know this man. You’ve only known him a number of weeks. You don’t truly know his personality.

You’re grieving made up scenarios of what the future could have held for you both.

Men, usually, think with their knobs. Their affection, kisses, cuddles etc. don’t mean jack shit in the early days before they truly get to know a woman.

He sounds like a typical love bomber and only wanting the convenience of sex and affection of when it suits him. He may be older than you, but he’s not ready for a relationship or anything serious right now.

It’s shit. I’ve been in your position. And sometimes the heartbreak over someone you’ve only known a short time can feel even more heavy than a heartbreak over a long term relationship.

Take time to get over him. It won’t happen overnight. Block his number etc, and have a good cry when you need to.

This feeling won’t last forever x

Not if he wanted to introduce them early on. That’s actually a red flag.

Any sensible person knows you can’t get to know someone well within a few weeks and would be cautious about bringing a new person into their children’s lives because you simply cannot know if things will last based on that short of an acquaintance.

If someone I was dating wanted to introduce me to his children within weeks it would make me very hesitant about him. No fucking way would I ever introduce my kids to someone inside a year.

All too much too soon, take from this what you need to in order to keep some of your cards close to your chest next time, while you work out exactly who they are and if you're actually interested, or if it's your hormones in charge, if you're susceptible to that. Which you sound like you might be.

Block him, it won't notify him, and he won't be able to get through if he calls you, but isn't that the point?

Completely agree. Men and women have been starting intense relationships and changing their minds since the birth of the human race. It’s completely normal and allowed.

It's sad but it must have flared up quicly for both of you but for him it died down but for you it didn't. He is a waste of time with his silly love bombing and then growing cold. It's not very mature behaviour.

That's a bit of a lecture there - the "get a grip, pull yourself together" school of counselling.

I think what you said in the middle makes sense, but the beginning and ending needed editing, because in my view it is counter-productive to criticise somebody for not behaving like an adult when they are having an emotional meltdown.

Because it’s only been two months. You should still be in the early dating stages not introducing each other to parents and children.

Hes love bombed you and told you absolutely everything you want to hear knowing he probably wasn’t going to follow it all through.

Anyone can seem amazing and “the one” at the beginning of dating as you’re showing your best self. It’s only after time settles that you’re able to see people for who they truly are.

Try and take it slower next time and not just right into the deep end.

“Love bombing” makes it sound like the OP was tricked, what was she tricked out of exactly? What did this guy gain from introducing the OP to his kids? Nothing. He was just as into it as the OP, but changed his mind.