Bad friend or burnt out?

[terracottatrees]

Looking for some advice because I’m really struggling with a friendship at the moment.

My best friend is going through a break-up, her ex left her, which has never happened to her before. She’s always been the one to end things and move on quickly, usually with someone else lined up within a few weeks. This time she’s really struggling, and I do feel for her, but both me and our other close friend are at a bit of a loss with how to support her without completely draining ourselves.

We’ve both been there for her through years of bad relationships, constant drama, and the same mistakes playing out over and over again. Her whole life revolves around men and male attention. I don’t judge her for that, but it’s so hard to watch her self-destruct time and time again.

What’s making it harder is how defensive she gets. If you try to gently tell her she’s not helping herself (like texting her ex constantly or deliberately going places where she knows he’ll be), she talks to you like you’re stupid like you don’t understand what she’s going through. I feel like I can’t win. If I say nothing, I’m enabling it and she feels I'm not helping but if I try to be honest, she makes me feel like shit for even trying.

Me and our other friend both feel like we’re walking on eggshells around her. She’s leaning on other people more this time, and neither of us know if that’s because she’s embarrassed or because she knows we won’t just tell her what she wants to hear. She used to tell me everything, and now I feel like I’m the last to know what’s going on unless I ask directly and even then, I only get half the story.

I love her to bits and I know she’s in pain, but the constant nights out, drama, and obsessing over her ex are just so draining. I don’t even enjoy spending time with her anymore. I feel guilty for feeling this way, but I don’t know how much more I can give.

Is this normal in long friendships (14 years)? How do I support her without enabling her behaviour, and how do I get past this burnout?

She likes it like this. Romance and despair are her addictions. I would just be bored at this point. And I actually think its a good way to handle it. Just back off. You can’t fix it. Empathizing is also just fueling her toxic solipsism.

I feel like I could blow any minute, I'm getting to the point where it just pisss me off and I'm sick of hearing about it

Leave her to it she will never learn

If this is her first proper rejection, maybe it's left her reeling?

Hopefully it will pass over the next few weeks and she'll come to terms with it.

Do you genuinely like her as a friend? If so, stick in there.

Treat her like a person with delusional disorder - listen and empathise without confirming her delusions. "I understand it must be very difficult for you", "Yes, I can see why it may seem like a good idea to you" etc. Ask questions which encourage reflection "what do you think might happen if you bump into him", "what do you think might happen if he responds to your message", "how would you feel if he doesn't respond"...

I couldn't verbalise what I wanted to say so here's what Chatgpt says! bang on I think.

It’s completely normal to feel burnt out in a long-term friendship, especially when the dynamic has been emotionally one-sided for so long. It sounds like you genuinely care about your friend, but right now, the friendship is taking a toll on you.

How to Support Her Without Enabling Her

1. Set Boundaries for Your Own Well-Being

You don’t have to be available 24/7 or engage in every conversation about her ex.

If she calls or texts constantly about the same thing, it’s okay to say, “I love you, and I know this is hard, but I can’t keep having the same conversation. Maybe we can talk about something else?”

2. Be a Supporter, Not a Fixer

You can’t force her to change or make better decisions, and it’s not your responsibility to rescue her from self-destructive patterns.

Instead of offering advice she won’t take, try validating her feelings without feeding into the obsession.

Example: “I know it’s painful and that you miss him. It makes sense that you’re hurting, but I also don’t want to see you stuck in this pain forever. Have you thought about ways to start moving forward?”

3. Limit Exposure to the Drama

If nights out and constant ex-talk are exhausting, suggest different ways to spend time together: a movie night, a workout class, or something distraction-based rather than rehashing the breakup.

If she refuses and just wants the chaos, you might need to step back from social plans until she’s in a more stable place.

How to Get Past the Burnout

1. Give Yourself Permission to Take a Step Back

Long friendships evolve, and sometimes, distance is necessary to maintain them in the long run.

You’re not abandoning her by taking care of yourself. She has other people she’s leaning on—let them share the emotional load.

2. Communicate Honestly but Kindly

If the dynamic is really wearing you down, it’s okay to tell her. Something like:
“I love you, and I hate seeing you in pain. But I feel like I don’t know how to help anymore, and it’s been really hard on me too. I need to take a little space, but I’m still here for you.”

This way, you’re not cutting her off—you’re just setting a boundary.

3. Let Go of Guilt

You’re not a bad friend for feeling drained.

Friendships are two-way streets, and right now, you’re doing all the heavy lifting. If she values your friendship, she’ll eventually recognize that.

It’s okay if your relationship shifts for a while. If she’s not receptive now, she might be later. Just remember: Supporting someone doesn’t mean sacrificing your own mental health.

Thanks all