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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being sensitive?

26 replies

WheresXaddy · 03/03/2025 10:49

So basically, I’ve been with my partner 5 years and we have one child together. He has two children from previous relationships, and I have two from a previous relationship. All children are around the same ages and get along well most of the time.

my children see their dad every other weekend and one night midweek. My partner has his children on the same basis. So we have all children every other weekend so they can play together ( they want this, I switched my children’s weekend to accommodate this as my partners daughter and my daughter are very close)

when we have my partners children and my children are not here, I am expected to partake in activities that revolve around his children, whatever they say they want to do we do, I take care of them like my own children, do all the cleaning up etc. when my children are here and my partners children are not, he does not want to do anything that revolves around the children, he will go off and do thing with the children we have together only. He doesn’t do anything to help around the house when his children aren’t here but will do the “odd “ job when his are here.

His two children are from two different relationships so they don’t see each other that much ( only when they are both with us) so they aren’t very close and don’t get along at all. If I agree to my children doing something extra with their dad which falls outside his set days then my partner gets annoyed with me that his children will be bored without mine there and that I’m being completely unfair? But my children love spending extra time at their dads, I just let them decide what they want to do as-long as it doesn’t interfere with plans.

I feel like we are being used to entertain his children and look after them but dropped whenever he sees fit.

he asked me if I’d go on holiday with just him and his children and I said no. I won’t go without my children as he wouldn’t do the same. He’s been funny about this and now said he is going to go away with just his children. Okay, whatever. That’s fine (albeit quite strange as we are supposed to be a family?)

he also get jealous and acts strange if I do something with my kids such as a day out or an activity when his kids aren’t there. We cover the cost of our own children, I don’t depend on him for anything and vice versa.

is this behaviour strange? Or am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Phresh · 03/03/2025 13:13

Hes being really strange. Why does he want to go away without your children? It's not strange for him to go just with his children though, that's fine. But if you went, that should be with your children too.

loveawineloveacrisp · 03/03/2025 13:26

No, you're not being sensitive at all. He basically wants you to do the parenting of his kids because he can't be arsed.

Rabssccuttlefissh · 03/03/2025 13:27

loveawineloveacrisp · 03/03/2025 13:26

No, you're not being sensitive at all. He basically wants you to do the parenting of his kids because he can't be arsed.

This nails it. ^

loropianalover · 03/03/2025 13:30

He thinks you’re a nanny and that when his kids aren’t around it’s his ‘time off’, because it’s only your kids at home and they’re not his responsibility.

Respectfully this sounds like a right mess and I’d get out asap. Cut the strings now before it goes on too long and gets even more painful for the kids.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 03/03/2025 13:32

He's blatantly pretty contemptuous of your kids isn't he. Why do you tolerate that?

Ferrazzuoli · 03/03/2025 13:38

It seems fairly obvious why this man's relationships with the mothers of his two oldest children broke down. He sounds like a selfish, lazy misogynist. Stop doing all the cleaning and caring for his children!

LilacSeal · 03/03/2025 13:50

He sounds lazy and selfish but I personally feel you are also unreasonable.

I wouldn’t tolerate this for my kids.

I feel like we are being used to entertain his children and look after them but dropped whenever he sees fit.
he asked me if I’d go on holiday with just him and his children and I said no. I won’t go without my children as he wouldn’t do the same. He’s been funny about this and now said he is going to go away with just his children. Okay, whatever. That’s fine (albeit quite strange as we are supposed to be a family?)
he also get jealous and acts strange if I do something with my kids such as a day out or an activity when his kids aren’t there. We cover the cost of our own children, I don’t depend on him for anything and vice versa

Freeme31 · 03/03/2025 14:26

I suggest you start making plans to do things with friends etc when he has his children so you are just not around to avoid being his children nanny.

Original poster
WheresXaddy · 03/03/2025 14:30

Thank you for the replies.

my friends and family have pretty much said the same.

I do feel like a nanny sometimes, I have said in the past for him to take his children out alone and spend quality time with them, but when I say i won’t be going along he falls out with me and doesn’t end up going??

They argue and fight like cat and dog, the fights become violent and it’s just not enjoyable to be around. It stresses him out too I know that’s also why he wants me there so they can be split up.

fortunately, my kids haven’t clicked on to his behaviour and he puts on a very nice act around them I just don’t feel it’s genuine. It doesn’t stop me doing anything with them regardless of how his attitude changes with me, and if their dad wants to see them on a day that isn’t one of his set days and they wish to go, I always let them make the decision there.

OP posts:
HenDoNot · 03/03/2025 14:32

now said he is going to go away with just his children

Haha I can promise you now that’s never going to happen.

He can’t be arsed parenting his own kids in his own home, as if he’s going to be arsed going away with them.

PurpleThistle7 · 03/03/2025 14:35

It's lovely to hear how you're prioritising your older children and co-parenting so well - always so hard when kids have to balance their parents as well as everything else. It's great that they have some autonomy in where they are staying and that you support this.

Your current partner sounds awful and I have no idea what you're getting out of this - he has 3 kids with 3 different women correct? And none of them are getting along? And for some reason he has both his other children at the same time always but it's also always your responsibility to look after them? Total mess.

Original poster
WheresXaddy · 03/03/2025 14:35

HenDoNot · 03/03/2025 14:32

now said he is going to go away with just his children

Haha I can promise you now that’s never going to happen.

He can’t be arsed parenting his own kids in his own home, as if he’s going to be arsed going away with them.

That’s my thoughts exactly.

its like he says things to try and get a reaction? I don’t know what reaction he expects though. I was only hurt by the idea of purposely excluding my children.

OP posts:
loveawineloveacrisp · 03/03/2025 14:35

Why are you still with him? He 'falls out with you' if you don't do what he wants. I'm sorry but he sounds like an arsehole.

Original poster
WheresXaddy · 03/03/2025 14:39

PurpleThistle7 · 03/03/2025 14:35

It's lovely to hear how you're prioritising your older children and co-parenting so well - always so hard when kids have to balance their parents as well as everything else. It's great that they have some autonomy in where they are staying and that you support this.

Your current partner sounds awful and I have no idea what you're getting out of this - he has 3 kids with 3 different women correct? And none of them are getting along? And for some reason he has both his other children at the same time always but it's also always your responsibility to look after them? Total mess.

That’s correct.

so our child together is only 2, and all the children love her to bits.

I think a lot of this comes down to jealousy, he doesn’t agree I should let my ex see our children out of his set days. I know he would love to have this arrangement with his other two children’s mums. They won’t allow for anything outside of the days set, even family birthday parties etc. so I feel that’s where the resentment comes in.

OP posts:
GlacialLook · 03/03/2025 14:42

Why on earth would you have chosen to inflict this mad 'blend' where your partner's two children from previous relationships, who are from different relationships and don't get on, disrupt your household on a regular basis while he requires you to entertain and look after them? You are your children clearly function to fill in the gaps in his pathetically inadequate PT parenting.

I would really question your judgement in having a child with this man, meaning you can't easily just end things and stop contact. Didn't it give you pause that his child with you would be his third child from three different relationships? And if you, as you should, end things with him, he will end up moving on to some other woman with poor enough judgement to give houseroom to him and his three children from three previous relationships. Who will barely know one another and fight. And the whole cycle starts again...

PurpleThistle7 · 03/03/2025 14:46

WheresXaddy · 03/03/2025 14:39

That’s correct.

so our child together is only 2, and all the children love her to bits.

I think a lot of this comes down to jealousy, he doesn’t agree I should let my ex see our children out of his set days. I know he would love to have this arrangement with his other two children’s mums. They won’t allow for anything outside of the days set, even family birthday parties etc. so I feel that’s where the resentment comes in.

Show quote history

Well probably because of a long history of problems, given just what you're saying here. Having a good relationship with an ex-partner / co-parent takes work and effort and you have put yours in so get to parent effectively.

Unfortunately as others have said you're tied to this guy for life now so just have a think about what this looks like for you in 5-10 years - is this really going to work for you long term? You are raising 5 kids, not 3.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/03/2025 14:46

Has he heard of condoms? If he doesn’t want to parent children he shouldn’t keep making more.

He’s the only winner here, everyone else is being sacrificed for him. That’s bullshit and you know it. Prioritise your own kids and dump him.

Original poster
WheresXaddy · 03/03/2025 14:56

GlacialLook · 03/03/2025 14:42

Why on earth would you have chosen to inflict this mad 'blend' where your partner's two children from previous relationships, who are from different relationships and don't get on, disrupt your household on a regular basis while he requires you to entertain and look after them? You are your children clearly function to fill in the gaps in his pathetically inadequate PT parenting.

I would really question your judgement in having a child with this man, meaning you can't easily just end things and stop contact. Didn't it give you pause that his child with you would be his third child from three different relationships? And if you, as you should, end things with him, he will end up moving on to some other woman with poor enough judgement to give houseroom to him and his three children from three previous relationships. Who will barely know one another and fight. And the whole cycle starts again...

I agree with you completely.

i was with my children’s dad for almost 10 years, I had the confidence knocked out of me in that relationship and it has taken me years to get back to my old self, with the strength to speak up on things. Stupidly, I got with my current partner when I really should have stayed single and worked on myself. I didn’t plan to get pregnant. the first couple of years weren’t as difficult, as I lived separately from him. When he came on the scene, things weren’t good with my ex, and he wouldn’t turn up for the children when he said he would, he was very flakey. It took a lot of work to get to where we are at now.

now when I look back, I think he was looking for someone who would be a good step mum/nanny.

OP posts:
Original poster
WheresXaddy · 03/03/2025 14:59

I didn’t want my youngest to be from a broken home, and to be honest, I’d be seriously anxious of how she’d be looked after when I’m not around. He is a very “lazy” parent. He will do the absolute minimum.

OP posts:
GlacialLook · 03/03/2025 15:05

WheresXaddy · 03/03/2025 14:59

I didn’t want my youngest to be from a broken home, and to be honest, I’d be seriously anxious of how she’d be looked after when I’m not around. He is a very “lazy” parent. He will do the absolute minimum.

Oh, OP, it's already a 'broken home' if it's essentially a place he sees as being all about you and your children providing food and amusement for his children from past relationships. Wouldn't your life be better if your household consisted of you and your three children, with no lazy, freeloading father who won't cook or clean for his own children, or entertain them, and no quarreling pair of his children (hard to blame them, if they hardly know one another, and are stuck together in a strange household periodically)?

There's no need to live indefinitely with your mistakes.

MushroomMarmite · 03/03/2025 15:11

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

thepariscrimefiles · 03/03/2025 15:57

He's just using you and your children to help with and entertain his children. He expects you to do stuff with his children when your children are with their dad, but doesn't reciprocate and spend time with your children when his children aren't there.

I know you don't want another broken relationship, but this arrangement isn't healthy for you or your children and you need to put them first.

Dolambslikemintsauce · 03/03/2025 16:01

Not sure why anyone is surprised or can't see you are the default parent to all of the dc in the life.
Any time you aren't around he has to parent his own dc.. He can't do that. Or isn't prepared to when he has a live in nanny.

theboffinsarecoming · 03/03/2025 16:04

He is being a prick, and using you because in his head, looking after his children is women's work.

Original poster
WheresXaddy · 04/03/2025 08:41

Thank you for the replies.

I've decided to start planning stuff with my children alone, and if I haven’t got mine, to plan things with friends and family.

if he wants a nanny he can hire one!

OP posts: