AIBU to think I have failed my children?

[Gizmogazmo]

I have two daughter, 7 and 6.

Life has been tumultuous for us the last 2 years or so. Myself and the girls dad split suddenly in 2022. Life had always been pretty settled prior to this and the girls were very happy. Very shortly after I met someone new. I think I was suffering from a slight mental breakdown as my behaviour was erratic/manic. This new relationship very quickly became abusive. Little did I know at the time I was being love bombed and he moved himself in with me within 2 months. I know this was wrong.

I was drinking a lot at the time (not around the children, whilst they were in bed) but there was one occasion where I did get drunk in front of them and I know this caused upset to the girls. Again, another error.

The relationship I was in only lasted a year and it ended with a physical attack. I was beaten by him and he stole my car and smashed it up. Luckily my children were not at home. He is now in prison and the relationship is completely over. This happened in April 2024. So nearly a year ago. I have spoken to the girls about this in lesser detail and they have never given me any reason to believe they heard any previous fights or arguments.

Since then, I have really worked on sorting myself out and being the parent I used to be before this all happened. I have stopped drinking and my focus is solely on my children, going to work and mentally healing and recovering.

But I am worried that I have emotionally damaged my children from the poor choices I have made. My eldest especially, my youngest seems relatively unscathed.

During this whole period I was still always there for the girls, always clean, fed, house was clean and warm, we still had days out and saw friends and family, we had holidays and they still have a great relationship with their dad. I was still loving and supportive. Never missed school, never even late to school. I tried to shield them from everything that was going on as much as possible.

But my eldest daughter is now showing signs of anxiety and has been wetting herself during the day and at night. She seems to struggle to regulate her emotions and seems to have very low confidence. She berates herself and beats herself up when she gets something wrong. She is not doing great at school either.

I am really trying to make things better and just want my children to feel happy and secure.

I am working with the schools family liaison officer who has joined her up to some confidence building groups and some friendship workshops at school. And I am doing all I can at home to help her. She has started a journal for when she’s feeling frustrated and angry too. We are also working with the doctors about the toilet situation.

I don’t even know what I am looking for here if I’m honest. Just any advice or words of wisdom. Some reassurance maybe.

I feel awful for what I’ve done and wish I could go back in time and undo all of this. My kids deserved better and I am trying to fix this.

Does she still see her dad plenty? Could you ask the GP about a counsellor for her and explain what happened

There are groups/programmes for children who have experienced DA and trauma, whatever your girls say, this has affected them. I don't say that to be down on you, you've changed , you got out. But you need to recognise the trauma to address it. Women's aid will often know of children's support in your area, or the school safeguarding lead will. A year is a long time in their lives, they were already going through huge change with dad leaving, then mum wasn't herself and this strange man was there, they will have picked up on your distress even from things when they weren't there, because it changed you (understandably) and the mood in the house. I worked for a long time with families fleeing DA and the children would often describe a feeling in the house they couldn't name/put their finger on, but it made them anxious.

Oh goodness, please try to be kinder to yourself. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot, you’ve made some mistakes (who hasn’t) and you’ve tackled them head on an rectified them. You sound like a great, supportive mum who is getting the help your daughter needs for her to get through this and hopefully learn how to deal with stress and anxiety that will stand to her in life. I hope it all gets better soon x

She's anxious.

Don't jump straight to assuming it's you.

Look into the whole situation.

What's going on at school? Is she coping academically? Maybe being bullied?

What else could be triggering this?

It sounds so hard, but I think it will be best for you to stop beating yourself up and instead deal with the here and now. In fact, you sent some really strong messages - you got away from a bad situation quickly and showed your DDs that you have the control over your own lives and decisions, that we can all make good choices. I think you have been a great mum in a lot of ways and have clearly learned from the bad choices.

What do you think has caused this recent change, do you think she found it stressful at the time and is only now able to process the feelings, do you think you became more anxious and she has picked it up from you, do you think she is disconcerted by how quick things can change and doesn't fully trust the version you are now? Have you definitely explored other areas of her life, her dad's home (if he has recently had a new partner move in, for example) or school life. You might be too busy blaming yourself that you miss something else more obvious, like bullying.

Getting the toileting under control will really help in a lot of other ways, so well done for getting her to the doctor and taking it seriously without shame.

Otherwise I think that consistent and steady is the way to go. Try not to be too dramatic about the changes in her, just give her the feeling of safety, calmness and reliability. It has all been so intense for her, I would be careful of overreacting to this as well as she might end up feeling less stable and it's not sustainable. She needs a home environment that feels like a capable adult that loves her is in control and she knows what to expect when she opens the door. Too many new things designed to help her could be similarly overwhelming, Instead have a routine that involves baking with her every Tuesday, playing a board game on Thursday etc - things she enjoys and can rely on without pressure.

She'll get there, seven is so tiny still and she now has you fully on her team.

The truth is that yes, you did fail your children by moving this man into their home so quickly (he didn't move himself in), but deep down you know that anyway.

The brilliant thing is, that awful period is over now for all of you and you've recognised that help is needed and you've accepted it.

I'm sure you've learned a huge lesson and that going forward it'll never happen again.

Give it time OP, they're still only young and it's not too late to repair

No parent is perfect ,yes you made a mistake which will have had an impact on your daughters, but you got out of the relationship thecmsin thing is you have learned from this and don't go on to repeat the same mistake.

My Mum was like the OP and moved a man who love bombed her into our home. She died last year and I never did forgive her for what she did. She blamed a mental breakdown too. I know it’s seems like I am being harsh but I have been those little girls and my sympathy is with them as all the crap stays with you.

Thank you for your help and advice. I really do appreciate it.

I will contact Woman’s Aid for some further advice on how to help her.

They see their dad a lot, he also has a new partner she seems pleasant and the girls like her. But again, I appreciate that’s another big change for them.

To my knowledge there’s no bullying, she has friends and seems quite well liked at school. But her work has definitely been affected and she seems to be struggling in that respect.

The Anxiety has probably been going on for a few months now, so maybe it is because she has processed what’s happened that it’s coming out later.

Also Poppins - I’m sorry to hear that you went through the same thing and I obviously don’t know what you were subjected to as a child but I am trying to rectify this. This was a blip in my children’s lives and I’m doing all I can to make things better. I’m not excusing my behaviour, I have held my hands up and admitted my mistakes and what I did was not okay and I will forever feel guilty for this. I beat myself up everyday mentally. So your negativity isn’t helpful or constructive.

Look at it from your children's point of view. How do they know the same thing won't happen again?

What happened isn't ideal but equally, it was two years and you're sorting yourself out now. Some people have abuse and mayhem for their entire childhoods. Think what you can say to your kids about them being your priority, what you've learned from the experience, why it won't happen again, acknowledge difficulty for them.

You could even write it out like a manifesto or something, family rules.

Don't beat yourself up, just focus on not making the same mistakes again.

The key word here is "repair". Repairing your relationship and repairing their confidence in you (because their trust that you will keep them safe may have been eroded to a greater or lesser degree).

Don't despair. If you get this right, your girls can learn some valuable lessons about asking for help when it's needed, about navigating healthy relationships (and avoiding bad ones) and about the how to look after their own mental health.

In an ideal world, you'd get a family therapist, but I know those are like gold dust. There are lots of online resources though. Maybe look up Dr Becky Good Inside for her advice on repair.

Good luck

It was not negativity and you are saying exactly what my mum use to say about holding her hands up and it was a blip. It is literally word for word…however, the damage was done though. We had a civil relationship and she knew her grand daughter but we were not close and there was a distance between us that wasn’t there before. I hope this isn’t the case with you and your girls.

On the upside I learnt valuable lessons about how I wanted to be treated by a man and I have a lovely kind husband who I love dearly. I swore I would never make her mistake.