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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think there’s no hope for us?

13 replies

ralsta · 02/03/2025 20:39

i’ll try and condense this down

ex partner (not a complete arse, can be great) has problems with drinking. excessive, hides it, lies about it. been going on and off for years and yes i should have left etc etc but i didnt

we have 2 children together and theyre my world. he still makes some effort, could make more

when pregnant i found he’d been messaging hookers/brothels and booking appointments. happened again in june just 3 months PP and then again in the following november (don’t know if he went or not but why even message if you get me?!)

he also smokes weed and has vowed on many many occasions to stop

but i had enough, and i left in january. obviously we still see each other as we have children but i never let my youngest stay over as i can never trust he won’t drink when with her and she’s only 12 months old. my oldest gets very upset when he doesn’t see daddy and luckily he will tell me if anything happened and it would only need to happen once for me to stop him staying over all together. luckily ex is staying at his parents so his mum is there too to ‘monitor’

so he’s now saying he wishes we could get back together, that he’s sorry etc etc

but firstly aibu to think this is just too far gone and too much hurt caused/trust lost and also aibu to not allow my daughter to stay over? he says he understands but i can tell it annoys him

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 02/03/2025 20:40

Absolutely. You would be highly unreasonable to think about getting back with him.

You're bound to have second thoughts about it, it's all very new but stick to your guns: you've done the right thing.

Stripeyanddotty · 02/03/2025 20:44

So he’s weed smoking alcoholic who probably pays for sex? Why on earth would you even consider getting back with him?

Drearycommuter · 02/03/2025 20:45

YABU. Can't believe you're considering getting back with him tbh.

Re: daughter staying, presumably he sees her at other times? I think they should have a relationship but your post suggests he's irresponsible. Until that stops don't know why you'd change.

Original poster
ralsta · 02/03/2025 21:04

oh just to confirm - i am definitely not considering getting back with him!! he thinks that there’s hope, i’ve said there isn’t but he seems to think im being too ‘final’

looking for reassurance that im not being a cow by saying it’s defo done!

OP posts:
MyrtleLion · 02/03/2025 21:10

You're establishing good boundaries for you and your children and for him.

trythisforsize · 02/03/2025 21:13

It's definitely done.

He's behaved appallingly and will never change.

You've done the hard part of separating. Don't risk having to go through it again only to separate again in a year or so when he crosses the line again, when the drinking escalates, or both most likely.
It would harm your children more if they experience this twice.

They are young and they will thrive in your care as your home will always be a sanctuary away from their daddies drinking and other problems.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 02/03/2025 21:14

In what ways is he "not a complete arse, who can be great?"

I'm seeing zero here

Original poster
ralsta · 02/03/2025 21:54

@EineReiseDurchDieZeit 😂😂 i can’t argue with that comment - he did get me a great christmas present one year..

OP posts:
Endofyear · 02/03/2025 23:05

ralsta · 02/03/2025 21:04

oh just to confirm - i am definitely not considering getting back with him!! he thinks that there’s hope, i’ve said there isn’t but he seems to think im being too ‘final’

looking for reassurance that im not being a cow by saying it’s defo done!

You need to make it crystal clear that you won't ever take him back, it's absolutely never going to happen. If he starts talking about it or saying you're being too final, cut him off straight away. I wouldn't let either of my children stay overnight with him if he's a drinker, smokes weed, uses prostitutes and is a liar. He's an absolute waste of space.

Oxgodby · 02/03/2025 23:16

Be crystal clear that you have no room in your life for an alcoholic, weed-smoker user of prostitutes, and that only an idiot would trust him overnight with a pre-verbal child.

healthybychristmas · 02/03/2025 23:57

I bet even when he bought you a great Christmas present, the one you bought him that year was even better.

RogueFemale · 03/03/2025 00:05

@ralsta looking for reassurance that im not being a cow by saying it’s defo done!

You're not being a cow and it's definitely over.

Excessive drinking, prostitutes, drugs, lies all adds up to a massive no. No, the children don't stay with him overnight or unsupervised, no you don't get back together with him, no you don't feel sorry for him.

RogueFemale · 03/03/2025 00:05

@ralsta looking for reassurance that im not being a cow by saying it’s defo done!

You're not being a cow and it's definitely over.

Excessive drinking, prostitutes, drugs, lies all adds up to a massive no. No, the children don't stay with him overnight or unsupervised, no you don't get back together with him, no you don't feel sorry for him.

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