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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be infuriated by my husbands ex?

14 replies

DarkwingDuk · 02/03/2025 19:52

So DH and I have our DSS (3) every weekend Thursday-Sunday.

This week after getting home from collecting him his ex bombarded him with messages saying that we are "stealing her clothes" with a bunch of pictures of kids clothes...now two of the items I recognise and know I packed in his bag to go back with him, another two he was actually sent back wearing (having been washed over the wknd) the others neither of us have ever even seen!

DH tried to explain that we don't have them and cannot give back something we don't have - she continued her insane tirade and told him he needed to reimburse her for them then...obviously he refused as that's insane, we're not going to pay for clothes we don't have and haven't even seen...bare in mind that DH still pays maintenance as he has him overnight 1 night less a week. It's not loads but it's more than enough to cover the secondhand bits she'd got from Vinted and accused us of stealing...

Tonight she's arrived to collect DSS and has said that when DH picks him up on Thursday he needs to bring him clothes as he has to be wearing our clothes to leave or she's not letting him take him (which would breach the court order regarding arrangements).
I simply said she needs to send the child clothed and shut the door as quite frankly it was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever heard!

She then comes back asking for a toy she'd given him to take on Thursday, no worries, we leave all things like that in the car so nothing gets lost or broken and goes back on a Sunday....whilst I'm getting it out of the boot (and she's away from the cameras) she starts on again about the bloody clothes and says I'M stealing her clothes...at which point I'd had it, I reiterated that no one is stealing her clothes, (she's still putting the poor boy in baby vests that pop together between his legs and makes it difficult for him to go to the toilet independently - these are the main thing she's saying we've stolen) that we have no use for baby clothes and he has two draws full of clothes in his bedroom...she then starts up that he needs 3-4 aged clothes, now he's a small boy and is only 93cms tall but the right weight for his height...so the age 2-3 that we have for him not only fits him perfectly well but he's still got growing room in them - this is the point when I'm looking for the candid camera because she cannot be bloody serious!! I pointed out that age 3-4 clothes are for a child who is 100cms tall, he is 93cms and doesn't need age 3-4. It's honestly like talking to a complete idiot!

So am I being unreasonable to be infuriated by this ridiculous exchange and the way she is using my DSS like a pawn in a silly game?!

info: the ex left my DH after carrying out an affair for several months.
I was not and have never been TOW.
I've usually been nothing but polite to her and yet she has accused me of "bullying" her and has lied several times to drs and SS about my DH. She's honestly bordering on being a psychopath at this point.

OP posts:
0ctavia · 02/03/2025 20:06

The situation does sound very challenging but you need to stop getting drawn into discussion with her. This is an issue for her and the child’s father to sort out between them.

I get that this is hard and you want to defend him and prove that you are right and she is unreasonable. But if you stay together you have 16 years of this ahead of you.

The easiest thing to avoid drama is for his father to change him when he gets him to your house and put all the clothes he is wearing straight into a bag. Then return him wearing these same clothes , they don’t need washed unless he’s had an accident or something like that.

The fact that your partner pays mainetenance for his child has nothing to do with the fact that he needs to provide all toys / clothes / shoes / car seat / bedding etc for his child at his house. And mum needs to do the same.

If she is a bordering on being psychopath, his father needs to have him much more often than he is right now, which you say is less than one night a week. Every other weekend and one night a week would seem to be the bare minimum, especially when his mother is mentally ill. And surely the child needs to spend more time with a stable parent?

Your Dp needs to build up his relationship with his child by caring for him more often , in case his mother can no longer care for him due to her poor health and you will need to have him full time.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 02/03/2025 20:11

As soon as i read that the baby is only 3 and there's already a court order, I made my mind up

Yabu tbh - don't negotiate with insane people. Just say 'ok no worries' and leave it. What does she want, money? Okay, document it and offer to buy new clothes for the boy for her.

Everything in writing and no back and forth. Then say you'll come with the police on pick up day. Nothing more needs saying.

Original poster
DarkwingDuk · 02/03/2025 20:13

0ctavia · 02/03/2025 20:06

The situation does sound very challenging but you need to stop getting drawn into discussion with her. This is an issue for her and the child’s father to sort out between them.

I get that this is hard and you want to defend him and prove that you are right and she is unreasonable. But if you stay together you have 16 years of this ahead of you.

The easiest thing to avoid drama is for his father to change him when he gets him to your house and put all the clothes he is wearing straight into a bag. Then return him wearing these same clothes , they don’t need washed unless he’s had an accident or something like that.

The fact that your partner pays mainetenance for his child has nothing to do with the fact that he needs to provide all toys / clothes / shoes / car seat / bedding etc for his child at his house. And mum needs to do the same.

If she is a bordering on being psychopath, his father needs to have him much more often than he is right now, which you say is less than one night a week. Every other weekend and one night a week would seem to be the bare minimum, especially when his mother is mentally ill. And surely the child needs to spend more time with a stable parent?

Your Dp needs to build up his relationship with his child by caring for him more often , in case his mother can no longer care for him due to her poor health and you will need to have him full time.

Edited

It looks like you may not have read my post correctly, so just to clear some bits up...

Firstly we do have all that for him at our house, that's the point - she's claiming we don't but we do. He has 6 Kallax draws full of toys, 2 Kallax draws full to the brim with clothes and everything else he could possibly need.

Secondly we have him from Thursday evening until Sunday evening every week, so 3 nights every week, without fail.

Lastly child maintenance is for her to use to buy him clothes, food and to house him. So if he's missing 3 vests she is being given money each month that could easily replace them, especially as she's getting them secondhand from Vinted. Hence her outbursts are insane.

OP posts:
Themaths · 02/03/2025 20:14

Use one of those apps for communicating.
Take pics of everything he comes with, Yes, it's a pain but will be worth it, she'll soon stop the nonsense.
Is she still with the other man?

Themaths · 02/03/2025 20:15

0ctavia · 02/03/2025 20:06

The situation does sound very challenging but you need to stop getting drawn into discussion with her. This is an issue for her and the child’s father to sort out between them.

I get that this is hard and you want to defend him and prove that you are right and she is unreasonable. But if you stay together you have 16 years of this ahead of you.

The easiest thing to avoid drama is for his father to change him when he gets him to your house and put all the clothes he is wearing straight into a bag. Then return him wearing these same clothes , they don’t need washed unless he’s had an accident or something like that.

The fact that your partner pays mainetenance for his child has nothing to do with the fact that he needs to provide all toys / clothes / shoes / car seat / bedding etc for his child at his house. And mum needs to do the same.

If she is a bordering on being psychopath, his father needs to have him much more often than he is right now, which you say is less than one night a week. Every other weekend and one night a week would seem to be the bare minimum, especially when his mother is mentally ill. And surely the child needs to spend more time with a stable parent?

Your Dp needs to build up his relationship with his child by caring for him more often , in case his mother can no longer care for him due to her poor health and you will need to have him full time.

Edited

which you say is less than one night a week
She didn't say that.

Snorlaxo · 02/03/2025 20:21

You have no choice but to photograph what he wears at handover and change his clothes immediately. Send him home in the clothes that mum sends him in.

CaptainFuture · 02/03/2025 20:23

Dss is only 3 but his dad is already your DH?

Original poster
DarkwingDuk · 02/03/2025 20:23

Themaths · 02/03/2025 20:14

Use one of those apps for communicating.
Take pics of everything he comes with, Yes, it's a pain but will be worth it, she'll soon stop the nonsense.
Is she still with the other man?

We did already resort to sending him back in exactly what he came in since she started accusations like this last year - but I fear you are right and we're going to have to resort to photographing everything...it's just exhausting having to jump through hoops all the time.
I just want a peaceful life! Lol!

Yes, she is still with the other man - but oh me oh my how she kicked up a big stink when DH and I got together...hence my thinking that she's not quite right in the brain.

Edit to add - they already have to use one of the apps as it was court ordered due to some of her previous behaviour...but she's not a fan of sticking to court orders and annoyingly they never seem to do anything about it.

OP posts:
Reversetail · 02/03/2025 20:30

Try and take the heat out of the situation if you can by stepping back, as infuriating as it is, I know been there. Let your husband deal with her and try and focus on keeping your step child at the center of how you act and respond. Ignore 99%. I wish I had.

Original poster
DarkwingDuk · 02/03/2025 20:30

CaptainFuture · 02/03/2025 20:23

Dss is only 3 but his dad is already your DH?

Yes.

But to answer any questions people may have sprouting from this...no we did not know each other when they were together. We are late 30's and early 40's, Neither of us have been married before, No I did not get pregnant. We just knew when we met it was right and decided we didn't want to wait until we were greying and sagging to get some nice wedding pics!

OP posts:
Haveyouanyjam · 02/03/2025 20:37

Just respond as briefly and calmly as possible and do not give heat to her accusations. Take photos if you must but I would stick to: ‘We don’t have any of your clothes here, any clothes that come with DSS go back with him.’ I would simply repeat that whatever she said. She is looking for a problem so she can take her emotions out on you and DH as you both effectively have to put up with her no matter what as you have to coparent and cannot be entirely non contact without extreme difficulty. Do the same whatever the issue is, a brief factual line and do not deviate from it. If she tries to get you to, say you will not discuss it any further. Done. Don’t give in.

IPM · 02/03/2025 20:43

Why are you so involved?

It sounds as though this child has two parents - his mum and YOU!

Leave it to them and make sure your DH packs his son's clothes and communicates with his ex.

No good ever comes of a new partner getting involved in these things.

Themaths · 02/03/2025 22:01

IPM · 02/03/2025 20:43

Why are you so involved?

It sounds as though this child has two parents - his mum and YOU!

Leave it to them and make sure your DH packs his son's clothes and communicates with his ex.

No good ever comes of a new partner getting involved in these things.

She said in the OP that the ex is accusing her of stealing the child's clothes, so of course she is involved Hmm

Endofyear · 02/03/2025 22:34

I think you're best taking a big step back and letting DH deal with her. Don't be drawn into discussions or confrontation, you're playing right into her hands. Unfortunately, your DH is going to be co parenting with her for a very long time. He chose to have a baby with an unstable woman. I feel most sorry for the little one caught in the crossfire. He's only 3 but if this discord continues throughout his childhood, it's obviously going to have a detrimental effect on him. I would just do your best to stay out of it and not get riled up.

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