To not want to go on holiday with MIL

[Anonymous75]

I'm worried I'm being unkind but also can't help how I feel.

DH has thrown me off today and mentioned his mum and sister had been looking at staycations for all of us this summer. It had been mentioned in passing a while back, which I never really gave comment to, as often things are discussed and never happen.

My problem is, I honestly can't think of anything worse. We don't not get on and we've never had a falling out, they're just not my kind of people. MIL is always passing comments and I find her very suffocating and snobby.

I'm also peeved that I've not been consulted, more of a 'we're going X at X'. The problem is I know he'll get so defensive and argumentative if I simply say 'I don't want to go.'

It'll be down to me to organise everything for DS and we'll be smack bang in the middle of house renovations.

It sounds pathetic but it's making me feel so anxious and really hanging over me tonight. Am I just being unfair to just say no and let the arguments ensue?

They have handed you the perfect excuse in their choice of accomodation!

"Because a family holiday is meant to be for the whole family and there is nothing to do that is suitable for a toddler. She would miss out on her playgroup sessions and not have all her usual toys either, so a week with a bored toddler is not going to be a holiday for me or her. You go if you want to but we are not".

We had this situation, with the added pressure MIL said she wouldn't go and wouldn't take nephews unless we went. DH said no. I was heavily pregnant at the time and baby would have been weeks old by the holiday. Couldn't have thought of anything worse.

ILs actually invited themselves to DH's 40th birthday trip and stayed two nights. It was really intense - they booked every meal time with them without asking if it suited, basically setting the schedule for our trip. It just wasn't a holiday and I wouldn't do it again. It's just too difficult to coordinate everyone and enjoy it, especially if you're very different people to start with.

"That's lovely dear, but i can't get the time off work. Least your mum and sister will be around to help with DS"

They told you the dates but didn't consult you. Juat be unable to go and let him take DS and sort it. He's a grown-up. Sure he'll cope.

Put the ball in DHs court. If he wants you all to go he has to organise it all. Toddler-proofing the place you're staying, activities for toddler to do, organising any trips. He may see it's a lot more work than he would like.

Send dh and toddler. You can work or relax.

I also think that holidaying is about compromising. I can do compromises for DD and DH but then my limits are reached. From the other side I know that other people would struggle to compromise with me so to keep relationships good I declined holidays offers.
In reality would your in-laws like to holiday with you? How they would tolerate your routine? It’s worth to look at this from their point of view.
I wouldn’t be able to holiday with my sister because she would be the disappointed one. The way we do our holidays (due to DD’s needs and DD and some of my health issues) is absolutely opposite to the way my sister does them who is usually on her own and no health issues.

If him putting MIL and SIL before you is a pattern in your marriage, then it is past time for you both to go to couple’s counseling. You shouldn’t ever have to tiptoe around your partner and be afraid to honestly express your feelings, as long as you aren’t being cruel or unkind. Your husband is the person you should be able to be the most open and honest with. This is another reason for counseling. For the record, saying you don’t want to go or you don’t enjoy time with MIL or SIL is not cruel or unkind.

I don’t enjoy spending time with most of my in-laws. I suck it up and tolerate them for short visits, but would never consider vacationing with them because it would be miserable for me. My DH understands that any time I spend with them is because I love him and because he loves me, he doesn’t ask for more. There are plenty of times I tell him I’m not up for visiting and he is welcome to go alone or with the children.

Early in my marriage, my in-laws were awful to me. I tied myself into knots to please them and make them like me, but I had to accept they never would. My DH had words with them and they toned it down, but they’ve never made an effort to be pleasant to me.

Over the years, my DH has asked me if I even like them. I started out trying to sugarcoat it. Then I progressed to just being blunt. I told him that I don’t like them because they’ve never done anything to make themselves likable to me. My DH doesn’t get mad at me, because he values the fact that we can be honest with each other. He sees that them refusing to make an effort is the problem.

This is your husband! The person you're supposed to be yourself with. Tell him calmly but firmly, without blaming or disparaging his family that you don't want to go on holiday with them. There are lots of neutral things you can say without telling him you find his mother a suffocating snob. Like "I think they'll want a different sort of holiday than me, doing things together all the time, and I prefer to be on our own" or "I like different things from your mum. She may not enjoy the sort of things I'd want to do" etc.

Respond with the truth. Say you’re not keen you’re doing housing renos and the house doesn’t look to be suitable for a toddler. That you don’t really want to go away with his mum - surely he knows how you’d feel about that.

Or get involved and find somewhere better for you to all stay.

Has he consulted you about dates? Can you have a good excuse prepared to get you out of it.

So don't argue about it - just say you don't want to do it and you're not going to argue about it. He can't have argument by himself can he... :)

Lol at the ridiculous over-analysis of some of these replies (counselling for a mummy’s boy etc).

OP, it is reasonable of him to want to go on this holiday with his family and DS. The ILs are his history and it seems pretty normal to me.

However, you are free to say that’s not how you want to spend precious annual leave. So let DH go. He’ll be happier and you’ll be happier. Do make him miss out though, just because it isn’t your idea of fun.

Nope. We went with MIL and I did have a good relationship. Living with her for a week made he see how selfish, lazy and self absorbed she is. I did not see this side of her pre holiday and it has put a dampener on my relationship with her.

1. I think it's problematic that he has planned your summer vacation without consulting you about what you would enjoy. That is very domineering, to act as if you have no say over how you spend your own family vacation.
2. It also makes it seem as if he has put his mother and sister before you, because he wants THEM to enjoy their vacation but doesn't care if YOU enjoy your vacation.
3. You are so afraid of how he will respond if you voice your opposition to his unilateral plan, that you are unwilling to stand up for yourself. This is also problematic.

Thank you for all your replies! I'm going to wait until he actually mentions it and just say no 🤷‍♀️ I'm just baffled that he actually thinks I might want to go!

You mean a UK holiday?

Tell him you aren’t doing it. He can go if he wants obviously.

Will he want to take your toddler? How would you feel about that?

It wouldn’t ever cross my mind to go on holiday with either DP or PIL. Holidays are for me, DH and DS. If you make that clear from the outset it never gets mentioned again.

Is there a compromise? I'm a massive introvert and need my own space. I flat out refuse to go away with DH's family if we're all in the same house, but will suggest staying in a hotel instead where I know I have somewhere to retreat to with less likelihood of being disturbed & less obligation to socialise the whole time. I know MIL would like us all under the same room but thankfully my SIL feels the exact same way and our DH's tend to just go along with us.

We have been on trips with my parents where we've stayed in the same lodge (center parcs) but we've also had similar with MIL coming along with us. It's just when the whole family are involved it's too much.

Didn't realise people would be so triggered by me incorrectly using the term 'staycation' ooops 😂

You haven't used it incorrectly, the meaning has changed over time to become broader and for some reason people get pernickety about it on here.

MIL and SIL?! That would be a no from me. Their combined force would be too strong.

Your DP is a bit naive thinking this is a good idea.

How about just joining them for a long weekend as a compromise?

so a holiday then.

Not the point of the thread but the Oxford Dictionary also defines a Staycation as a holiday spent in one's home country:

2. 2008– Originally British. A holiday spent in one’s country of residence (although generally involving staying away from one's own home).

https://www.oed.com/dictionary/staycation_n?tl=true