Am I the problem?

[DORATown]

I am a mum of one. I have always suffered with depression and anxiety and find it easier to be around people, keeping busy particularly when parenting a toddler.

however I feel like such a burden on my family particularly siblings. Jokes are always made of here we go again, what do you want now etc when I make contact or try to organise a meet up. it’s hurtful and I feel like I need to pull away from my family.

to give context I would suggest meeting my family members usually once a week at the weekend- not every week either. they all also have children however they are teens now and I would have helped with babysitting etc when they were young. I also find it hurtful I don’t get that support reciprocated.

I dont know - i suppose I just want to work out am I just too needy

Presumably you baby sat for them when you didn’t have children so less commitments. They do have children so lives are already busy maybe?

Do you lean on them for emotional support a lot? The comment about ‘what do you want now’ indicates they may feel that you do. Do you moan about problems a lot when you do meet up, even if it’s for a fun outing?
Their teens probably have busy lives, or your siblings are probably enjoying time not having to deal with small children now theirs have grown. Toddlers can be hard work and they maybe just don’t have the energy or headspace to meet up as often as you’d like, also they are likely just busy with their lives after working during the week. I don’t see my sibling half as much these days now DCs are all older as we all work more, we are older, are knackered or have chores/jobs or other plans tbh.
Do you sit back and let them entertain your toddler when you do meet up? I know no one really entertained mine when small, my siblings DC was a lot older, but I didn’t feel any resentment for her lack of input tbh.
Do you have friends with DC a similar age? If so, do you ever have weekend plans with them or is it a case of just you and DC if you don’t see family?

thank you for replying I suppose I just want to see others perspectives.
in terms of moaning, I don’t feel I do although I probably reference the tiredness for work, chores, parenting so that’s something I need to improve.
no I don’t sit back and ask them to entertain toddler - I genuinely want to spend time with them and for my toddler to have the opportunity of spending time with and getting to know family like their kids did every weekend when they were young.
I would have a few friends with similar age children but not a lot. Most friends are yet to have theirs.

Teens aren’t going to want to spend time around a toddler at weekends on a regular basis, OP. It sounds as if the pattern of contact you want doesn’t suit the rest of your family, and/or as though your poor MH is a burden, or at least they feel pressured to see you because of it. What help are you getting? Are you a SAHP? If not, and if your MH improves when you’re around others, wouldn’t it be best to get a job?

That’s a shame that your own siblings are basically ignoring you, as are their children who you helped out with. But people are selfish, and hide away behind their moral superiority of being “busy” all the time.

Are you messaging them as a group? Is there one that you get on better with?

I'm going to be honest with you here, and say I suspect you are at least part of the problem.

Just to set the scene, they now have teens, and actually teens don't want to meet up with family and play at the local park that much. They may do it once in a while, or if they like playing with toddler cousins, quite happily.
But also they take just as much time as toddlers, just you don't need to supervise them as much and they don't go to bed early to give you a break then.
So they may be genuinely busy and enjoying not having toddlers around.
When you have toddlers, you often think lovingly how when they're teens you'll get your life/house/time/lie ins back. And in some ways it's true, but not as much as you think.

I loved the toddler years, but actually I don't want to go back there. I loved playing with toddlers before I had my own, loved my own, but now... relatively unbothered.

Jokes are always made of here we go again, what do you want now
This is what stands out to me. Never done it to their face, but we have a relative for whom this is what we think when they get in contact with us.

That's because from experience they only get in contact with us when they need something or want to show off about something they've got ("we thought you needed to have the broacher from our skiing holiday just in case you needed to get urgently in touch with us" level. No, we have never urgently needed to get in touch with them.).
For example, one year they just had to take us out for our anniversary, no refusals accepted, (don't normally get presents at all from them) and we waited, and sure enough when it came to their anniversary we got a message what they would like-several times the cost of what they had paid for ours. Totally predictable and really irritating.

So think about it. When you do meet up, do you want to talk about you and your problems? Do you expect them to pay for things? You you make broad hints about how your washing machine broke/need a lift to XYZ/something heavy in the car lifted in etc.
Do you spend a lot of the meetup complaining about your things? That's pretty wearing for listeners.

I would suggest meeting my family members usually once a week at the weekend- not every week either
I wonder whether you do it more often than you think you do. The "once a week at the weekend" then "not every week" implies to me it's quite a lot. Be honest. How often do you ask them? Twice a month?
Thing is you may think that you say ask them twice a month and maybe they come once a month. But they may feel that they're being pressurised to meet up and would rather meet happily every couple of months than feel that you think they're not doing enough at once a month.

What I'd suggest is pulling back.
Rather than "would you like to meet up this weekend?" pick one in the future. Say "Would you like to meet up one day over Easter?" then when you meet up, make it your resolution to say 10 positive things for every negative. "I'm tired... but aren't the daffodils lovely." And for every thing you say about yourself, ask them something about them, and listen to the answer.

Give them a bit of space and you may find that they feel more positive about meeting up and want to see you.

Are you sure the support you are giving is in the way they want or requested, or did you just assume they want exactly the same as you? Check in with them, check everyone is on the same page.

Speak gently, reassure the person you love them and want to make them happy, do not accuse or ascribe blame, ask them to say to exactly what their needs are, then listen carefully and do not interrupt even if you disagree. This is called showing respect, most reasonable people will respond to this and want to return the favour. Sometimes you have to give more than you were given to receive far more in the future.

It sounds like you're all at different life stages and need/want different things.

Most teenagers aren't going to want to spend their weekends with their little cousins and parents of teens aren't going to want to go back to the "toddler" years either. They're finally at the stage where they have more freedom at weekends to enjoy adult only time!

I would also (kindly) suggest that when you do see them, you don't moan. I wouldn't want to spend my free time with someone who dragged the mood down with constant whining, even if they were family.

Once a week is very frequent.

It doesn't feel it if you are a sahm and have toddlers.

But if you are at work and managing kids in school with homework etc and swimming lessons and reading and everting else it really is.

Do you have other mum friends?
Mums who have kids at the same stage as you are generally up for a mutual moan snout potty training/toddler tantrums etc much more than parents not at that stage.

I find now my eldest are teenagers the week is so busy that the weekend is the only time we get to spend together as a family and relax so I would find it a bit annoying if someone was asking me to meet every weekend.

That being said that’s still not a kind way to reply and I understand how isolating it can feel when you have a little one and don’t know anyone with kids of a similar age

Do you go to any toddler groups or classes with your little one?

My almost teen DD would have absolutely no interest in spending one day a week with a toddler instead of going out with her friends. Perhaps the age differences are playing a part in this.

I think once a week might also be a bit much just in general, or I’m an antisocial twat!

I would reduce the amount of get togethers you’re trying to arrange (maybe once or twice a month) and be mindful of how much complaining you’re doing and negatively you’re potentially bringing when in their company.

thats the way it is i m afraid not that it is right. There is a big between me and my 2 sisters and i m in the middle.
when my kids were young, my older sisters teens didnt spend much time with mine; now my kids are teens and we have to “force” them to spend time with their younger cousins when they come visit or when we visit. We all live in different countries but they moan a lot when i say “we re spending a long week end at X so suck it up”.

you have to make friends and live a life independant of them so when you do meet it s quality time.

it sucks but this too shall pass!

Thank you all for your responses. To answer a few - it’s not every weekend but I do need to consider how often I’m contacting as it could very well be more than I think. We grew up in a close family where aunts/cousins were together all the time and it was the same when their kids were little. But there’s probably a lot of nostalgic thinking on my part and I need to appreciate times change and that’s not how it is now and that just happens to be when mine is little.

the teens are actually great - of course they don’t want to spend all their time with a toddler and I would never expect them to.

I do have a job but I don’t go to any toddler groups etc so I think that’s a good suggestion both for me to socialise with other mums and my LO to spend weekends with other toddlers.

Your family members are at different stage with teens than you are with a toddler and they are likely too busy to babysit for you. Their weekends are spoken for. Every week is too much to expect. And don't complain.

Take your toddler to activities, the library, dance, swim, and see if you can make some buddies among the parents there.

Are you getting professional help for your depression and anxiety? Expecting other people to be around you because it helps you manage your mental health issues not a reasonable expectation.

We grew up in a close family where aunts/cousins were together all the time and it was the same when their kids were little

There's a difference in when cousins are similar ages and when they're not.
Dh's cousins are similar ages and they'd do sleepovers etc together. Huge playing times when they'd just get on playing while the parents talked.
My oldest cousin is 10 years younger than me. My youngest cousin is only 5 years older than dd1. We never had "cousins together" playtimes. I used to look after them - and I loved doing that - but my siblings didn't join in because they didn't like particularly playing with younger ones. I was often mistaken for "Mum" or sometimes "auntie" when out with them.

I think perhaps here you reset your expectations. Some teens love looking after younger ones. But not all. But if they are looking after them, they may well be doing it as a favour to you rather than because they want to send the afternoon looking after a toddler. Whereas when they're similar age, it's just playtime.

I really think the issue is that your kids are different ages and you're in totally different stages of life. They don't want to go back to the snotty toddler stage and rightly so, to be honest.

Every family is different but I would feel suffocated if asked to meet more than once a month.

I also find people who are very nostalgic and connected to past memories make me anxious. I feel like they are expecting me to create experiences for them and their children that live up to their memories.... And sometimes my memories don't match theirs.

Passive aggressive jokes aren't nice, but they are quite clearly telling you that it's too much for them.

I would let them come to you and try to build more of a network outside of family.

You are not wrong for wanting these things, it just sounds like a clash of expectations and personalities.

I hear you, OP. My kids are also the youngest in the family, although not a huge gap between my eldest and the youngest of her cousins. We babysat, helped out on days out and bought thoughtful presents. None of that has been reciprocated by either side of the family, and I feel sorry that my kids don't have aunties and uncles who give a shit.
💐for you

I think the fact my child is the youngest sums it up. We are just at different life stages.

Yes-different life stages. People tend to do meet ups when it suits everyone-ie if you and another couple both had toddlers who played together so you could chat, that's one thing. If they've got independent teenagers, who do their own thing so they now have some down time at the weekend, you are essentially asking them to give that up for you.

What are you suggesting to them that you get together and do?

I'd invite them round to your house for dinner or lunch-that would be nice. Could you see if the teenagers would do any (paid) babysitting?

I think it's a bit mean of them, you are in the difficult stage they could be more understanding.

Saying that with the way they are reacting I would dial it back maybe arrange once a month or wait for them to get in touch.

And build friendships maybe go to groups with your lo?

Do you have a partner?