To not go to sister in laws wedding?

[AJ2024]

Hi all,

My SIL in law is getting married next month in Kenya she had a courthouse wedding in the UK which we attended, but a bigger celebration is to come next month. She obviously wants us to go, MIL has purchased us tickets wanting to eventually be paid back.

Now before booking these tickets me and my huband requested 1) we only go for 1-2 weeks and 2) a night flight as we have a 13 month old who we have never flown with, hoping she would at least sleep some on the flight.
There was a huge miscommunication regarding this and my MIL told us that the cheapest tickets are not for 1-2 weeks but for a month return, she said she only had 5 minutes to book or they would sell out, and that the dates I requested were double the price. Not wanting to be the sole reason why my family are spending double the money I accpeted these tickets in a rush (bigggg mistake on my part)
Now upon organising myself for this trip, I need to find pet care for my 2 cats. My MIL has offered to find some of her friends to check in on them whilst im gone. I told her I'm not comfortable with this because 1) i dont want strangers in my house and 2) A month is way to long for my cats to not have any more attention than just being fed, thus I wanted to put them into a cattery where they will be cared for properly. The fee for that is next to £500 and although I'm normally good at saving, I have just moved to my own place and I'm struggling to even cover all the rent, food and bills (low income household) so cannot afford the fee.

I asked my MIL her and FIL would consider helping me out with this fee. Now understandably, its not the top of their priority list, but I did explain that would be a barrier to me coming to kenya in the first place and that whether I come or not they are still being paid back for the tickets.

On top of this my husband doesnt really want to fly with our DD because theres layovers and we spend all day and night travelling which could have been avoided, hes worried about DD being a mess on the plane and doesnt think its worth the stress considering we've attended the UK wedding.

I am open to opinions and advice as when it comes down to it, of course I would want to go but it all seems a bit hard at the moment financially!

AIBU if I say I cant attend the wedding in kenya?

Does anyone, DH maybe, work? Who can just have a month away? I absolutely wouldn’t leave my cat for a month, even if there was a pet sitter living in my home. Her care needs would be being met, but she’d be distraught. Pets do miss their owners so you ANBU to say a month if people popping in to feed is too long. Even without a young DC adding to the stress of travel YANBU to decline, especially as you’ve already attended the actual wedding ceremony, but I’d be prepared for major fallout if you don’t go as it sounds important to them/MIL. You should have just declined from the off really.

YABU if MIL has already spent the money on non-refundable tickets.

YANBU if MIL can get a refund for the tickets.

Find out if she can get a refund first, then you'll need to base your decision about whether or not to go depending on that?

Also, can you actually go for a month? No work commitments etc?

Also, you'll need to be able to find care for your cats that doesn't involve borrowing even more money from MIL. Maybe you can have a friend/relative stay at your house for the month instead of just daily visits to feed them?

We don't have "courthouses" in the UK what are you talking about ? If you don't want to go don't.

Why doesn’t your husband speak to his mum about this? You say yourself he’s not keen on flying there with DD. This all seems to be about you (cats, cattery fees on you, sorting dates etc.).

Being expected to go anywhere for a month for a wedding is crackers. The time to refuse may have passed though if the tickets are non refundable.

@Coffeeishot maybe op isn’t in the U.K.

A month to go and stand around with people who are already married is mental. I wouldn’t be going at all.

Is this a destination wedding for the bride or a return to the hime country for the whole of DH’s family?

Registry office I assume. Op I wouldn’t go and would suck up ticket cost and pay her back. A large part of flights is tax and things which you can claim back if unused.

YABU if the reason you won't go to your SIL's Kenyan wedding is....a cat.

YABU to take a month away that you can't afford.

YABU worrying about your 13mo baby: she will be fine. I started traveling with my DC long haul from as soon as they had their vaccinations. Just go with it. It will likely be a lot of fun if you lean into being around lots of people all the time.

YABU to allow yourself into being pressured by MIL into spending money you don't have.

YABU to allow your MIL to pressure you into spending a month away when you only wanted to spend 1-2 weeks away.

YABU in not thinking this all through properly.

YANBU if you've now come to your senses and worked out you cancel without financial penalty.

Don't either of you have jobs??

YABU to have said yes to the flights when you had pets and finances to consider, knowing you would be away for a month. As a grown adult with your own decision making powers, you could have avoided being in this position. I think its on you and your DH now to pay the ILs back if you cancel and the flights cant be refunded.

Your MIL is either a piece of work or plain thoughtless, but this is still on you.

Your DH does not seem to feature much in the decision making process. Its his family- put him front and center when it comes to informing his sister why you are all not going to be at her wedding.

You all sound very disorganised.

A month??? Who can just up and go away on holiday for a month? I’m assuming non of you work otherwise it wouldn’t be possible. So how can you afford to go away for that amount of time?
I wouldn’t be dumping my pets in a Cattery for that long either. It seems completely absurd. I wouldn’t have even considered it

YANBU to not go to the wedding if you don’t want to.

However, unless your MIL can get a refund on the flights, or you intend to pay her back for losses in full, YAB very U to give back word now.

Who can just take a month off to spend in Kenya? Don’t either of you work?

Well they’re already married so you would be going to Kenya for a month for a party.

How would you get the time off work?

I wouldn’t bother

She's not getting married in Kenya. She is already married.

She is having a fancy overseas party.

Very strange post: do you and your DH have a month of vacation? If you struggle to find 500 in cat fees why would you waste money going on vacation?

I would cancel it all. Are the tickets refundable? Even if they're not...I wouldn't go since you need your pay and therefore need to work as your DH.

Stay at home with your DC. It's up to DH if he goes.

Hi all,
Thank you everyone for your feedback so far. Just to clear things up, we work for the family business so as its a family wedding we are all being given a month off if we go.

We were always going to be paying them back for the tickets whether we go or not.

Yes I also meant a registration office wedding by "courthouse" apologies.

I most certainly agree I should never have accepted those tickets in the first place and I'm face palming myself for that.

I honestly did not have time to see how much a cattery would cost and as I said before, my wage was good enough before but my rent went up by £60 extra per week which really threw a financial spanner in the works. Its not like I accepted the holiday knowing funds would already be an issue because in the weeks before that I had no issue putting away £500. My circumstances changed very quickly thats all.

YABU asking your in-laws to cover the fee for your cats.

It honestly sounds like you were never really invested in going. Unless there are special circumstances with your child, plenty of 1 year olds travel long haul, and they're absolutely fine.

Stop all the fuss, simply say you won't be going, pay back the cost of the ticket, and stay at home.

Why do you keep talking about I and My in your posts? It's all about my cats, my rent, my home etc. Does your DH not figure in any of this?

Where is your husband in all this!!???

My rent, my circumstances… what about your husband? Aren’t these kind of things and barriers his too?