To think it’s good to have a role model?

AntoniVerify · 2025-03-02T07:52:38+00:00

I had parents who were controlling - mum was abusive - but they would say they were ‘over protective’ because they prefer that label for themselves. When I moved out with my boyfriend at 24 to our own house - I’d already got a degree etc - my Dad went ballistic and went ballistic f - ing and blinding and made derogatory remarks that my boyfriend was a tradesman (he doesn’t use people’s toilets [grin]) - my parents are middle class university educated etc. I’m an only child and it’s hard to stand up sometimes to parents if you’re an only child and parents are being controlling, immature and unreasonable. Although people with siblings can have this problem also - siblings in various ways can sometimes act as an emotional buffer in difficult situations even if they no longer live at home. So when my Dad was shouting and effing and jeffing at me - this time - instead of just ‘rolling over’ as it were - I stood up for myself, went ballistic and started shouting back! The reason I could do this is because I had a confident role model who’d also moved out with a partner. AIBU to think a role model is very valuable when you’ve got controlling/abusive parents especially as the parent/child relationship definitely isn’t an equal one?

TemporaryPosition · 02/03/2025 07:54

Role models are crucial for everyone at every various stage

Original poster

AntoniVerify · 03/03/2025 08:23

TemporaryPosition · 02/03/2025 07:54

Role models are crucial for everyone at every various stage

That’s so true

OP posts:

Iamallowedtodisagreewithyou · 03/03/2025 08:54

TemporaryPosition · 02/03/2025 07:54

Role models are crucial for everyone at every various stage

Yep!

SuddenFrisson · 03/03/2025 09:01

Hang on, are you saying your boyfriend was your role model here? That makes little sense to me. You’d already done what he’d done, by moving out with a partner. Your relationship with your parents sounds remarkably fucked up (and unrelated to being an only child, imo — I think that like many only children, your idealising the sibling role), if it took you till the age of 24 to have an actual argument with them, but hadn’t you already left home to attend university? Did you move back in?

Original poster

AntoniVerify · 03/03/2025 10:10

SuddenFrisson · 03/03/2025 09:01

Hang on, are you saying your boyfriend was your role model here? That makes little sense to me. You’d already done what he’d done, by moving out with a partner. Your relationship with your parents sounds remarkably fucked up (and unrelated to being an only child, imo — I think that like many only children, your idealising the sibling role), if it took you till the age of 24 to have an actual argument with them, but hadn’t you already left home to attend university? Did you move back in?

You've brought up so many good points here and I’m going to address them all - which may take a while

No my boyfriend wasn’t my role model. I had a crush on another man and I split up with my boyfriend a year after we lived together because I had a crush on this man - he was my role model

OP posts:

SuddenFrisson · 03/03/2025 10:14

AntoniVerify · 03/03/2025 10:10

You've brought up so many good points here and I’m going to address them all - which may take a while

No my boyfriend wasn’t my role model. I had a crush on another man and I split up with my boyfriend a year after we lived together because I had a crush on this man - he was my role model

Show quote history

Oh, OK. That didn’t come across in your OP.

So, did your father have a point about the boyfriend you moved in with, if you’d split within a year of moving in together?

Original poster

AntoniVerify · 03/03/2025 10:16

SuddenFrisson · 03/03/2025 09:01

Hang on, are you saying your boyfriend was your role model here? That makes little sense to me. You’d already done what he’d done, by moving out with a partner. Your relationship with your parents sounds remarkably fucked up (and unrelated to being an only child, imo — I think that like many only children, your idealising the sibling role), if it took you till the age of 24 to have an actual argument with them, but hadn’t you already left home to attend university? Did you move back in?

You’re right in that the relationship with my parents was incredibly fucked up

You’re right that it wasn’t related to being an only child

You’re right that many only children idealise the sibling relationship as did I when I was younger. I don’t now - I’ve seen such good outcomes with only children and such bad outcomes with people with siblings - that I definitely no longer idealise the sibling relationship. The thing is - my Dad admitted that they had one child because 1 child is ‘easier to control’. This is extremely fucked. Deciding to be ‘one and done’ can be great potentially, when looked at objectively, but not for this reason ffs!

OP posts:

Original poster

AntoniVerify · 03/03/2025 10:34

SuddenFrisson · 03/03/2025 09:01

Hang on, are you saying your boyfriend was your role model here? That makes little sense to me. You’d already done what he’d done, by moving out with a partner. Your relationship with your parents sounds remarkably fucked up (and unrelated to being an only child, imo — I think that like many only children, your idealising the sibling role), if it took you till the age of 24 to have an actual argument with them, but hadn’t you already left home to attend university? Did you move back in?

No I’d had some nasty spats with my parents before the age of 24 - BUT the difference with this one - it was dealing with the issue of concern directly not passive aggressively iyswim.

e.g. My mum treated my like a child even when in my early 20s and I was scared of her but felt I couldn’t confront her directly - so I made up a lie that I’d slept with my husband’s best friend previously when I hadn’t. What I’m saying is by 24 I could more healthily confront the issue DIRECTLY but this at the time actually made for a more difficult confrontation! Still the right thing to do !

OP posts:

Original poster

AntoniVerify · 03/03/2025 11:00

SuddenFrisson · 03/03/2025 09:01

Hang on, are you saying your boyfriend was your role model here? That makes little sense to me. You’d already done what he’d done, by moving out with a partner. Your relationship with your parents sounds remarkably fucked up (and unrelated to being an only child, imo — I think that like many only children, your idealising the sibling role), if it took you till the age of 24 to have an actual argument with them, but hadn’t you already left home to attend university? Did you move back in?

Just to say YES I left home to attend uni at 20 - but that’s the thing - I didn’t want to go - my mum just wanted to get me away from my tradesman boyfriend as she was a middle class snob.

Although I was away at uni, she didn’t save me acting like an adult and staying overnight anywhere with my boyfriend

I admitted to her I had stayed with my boyfriend at my boyfriend’s nan house one weekend when I was at uni and she made massive noises of disapproval

we were both 21 and 22 ffs!!

OP posts:

Original poster

AntoniVerify · 03/03/2025 11:02

SuddenFrisson · 03/03/2025 10:14

Oh, OK. That didn’t come across in your OP.

So, did your father have a point about the boyfriend you moved in with, if you’d split within a year of moving in together?

Show quote history

Yes but it wasn’t his decision to interfere like this

someone else I knew suggested that I’d have ended things with my bf a lot sooner if my parents hadn’t meddled

OP posts: