How do you feel about swearing in your relationship?

choreographedchaosmachine · 2025-03-02T02:43:41+00:00

Name changed for this, long time member > I’m going to tell it like it is so you understand. My partner and I have been together two years, in that time there was not a single profanity. This evening while we were in bed, my partner referred to me and other things with the C word a few times. I didn’t know how to react. We both finished. As good as it always was. He is so good in bed that I guess even that couldn’t take me off course. I don’t know if I should be a little disappointed in myself. I trust him as much as you can trust anybody not to be disrespectful of women, no signs of that. It could be that if he’d talked with me before about this and prepared me, he may have had consent and curious it’s from me. As it was, it was a little distraction from the moment. Hours later, I’m not upset, maybe even a slight frisson , but I am uneasy with it. ’Netters please do bounce some views for me? TIA

PearTreeBoat · 02/03/2025 05:55

I'm confused, your title talks about swearing within a relationship, but your post seems to be more about the use of a particular word whilst having sex.

Is it the particular word he used, the nature/tone with how it used it or the fact that he swore at all?

Many people swear and use language in the bedroom that they wouldn't use in day-to-day conversation, it's not unusual or weird. But if you don't like dirty talk then just tell him, but I wouldn't berate him for trying it out.

As for not asking your consent, unless he was completely over the top using extreme language and implications, he really hasn't done anything to ask consent for.

Evaka · 02/03/2025 05:59

Did he refer to you and your vagina as cunts? I'd be a bit uneasy about the former too and mine is a wildly sweary household. There's no getting away from it being the most aggro pejorative you can use in our culture.

Ask him about it, I'd be pretty curious about what was going through his head?

Original poster

choreographedchaosmachine · 02/03/2025 06:08

Evaka · 02/03/2025 05:59

Did he refer to you and your vagina as cunts? I'd be a bit uneasy about the former too and mine is a wildly sweary household. There's no getting away from it being the most aggro pejorative you can use in our culture.

Ask him about it, I'd be pretty curious about what was going through his head?

You’ve got it.
He said things happen in the bedroom sometimes that you would be strongly against in daylight. He framed it as thrill seeking and pushing boundaries a tad. I just noticed it really turned him on to an extreme I haven’t seen before when he used that word. I’m glad he had such a good time but there is still a little niggle.

OP posts:

Evaka · 02/03/2025 06:16

I think I'd be niggled too. It's at the extreme end of language isn't it? My partner and I both can get quite expressive when we're having sex but being called a cunt in bed would be a red line for me. And if he's the most turned on he's ever been by calling you that...

Some people will have safe and consensual sex doing/saying stuff others find unthinkable but it has to be what both want and enjoy.

Lurkingandlearning · 02/03/2025 06:35

Referring to your vagina as a cunt, meh. To call you a cunt during sex is in the same territory as calling you a whore or a dirty bitch. I’d find that aggressive and misogynistic. I get that it’s probably fantasy role play stuff, but it’s misogynistic fantasy role play stuff and I think that says something about hidden values.

JemimaFlubberCluck · 02/03/2025 06:37

Make it clear you did not like it and ask him to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

BitOutOfPractice · 02/03/2025 06:40

Lurkingandlearning · 02/03/2025 06:35

Referring to your vagina as a cunt, meh. To call you a cunt during sex is in the same territory as calling you a whore or a dirty bitch. I’d find that aggressive and misogynistic. I get that it’s probably fantasy role play stuff, but it’s misogynistic fantasy role play stuff and I think that says something about hidden values.

This.

WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 02/03/2025 10:01

Pushing boundaries in the bedroom when both partners are aware and consenting it fine. Pushing YOUR boundaries, isn't.

Have a conversation with him and explain that clearly. If he wants to try stuff, he needs to communicate that and actually give you a chance to agree/disagree.

Endofyear · 02/03/2025 10:08

I'd find it a turn off but I guess others might not mind it or even like it, it's personal choice, isn't it? If you feel uncomfortable about it, tell him.

ItGhoul · 02/03/2025 10:40

Lots of people find dirty talk very sexy and a huge turn-on, so that alone isn’t unusual or worrying, but as with everything in bed - if you don’t like it and it turns you off, you need to tell your partner that it’s not something you enjoy and ask him not to do it.

Also, calling YOU a cunt has very different connotations from calling your vagina your cunt. The first one is generally intended to be derogatory. The second one isn’t.

I like a lot of talking in the filthiest possible language in the bedroom and the C word is actually the only word for my genitalia that I find sexy. However, if my partner called ME as a person a cunt, I’d be furious. So that is an important distinction.

Crichel · 02/03/2025 10:41

ItGhoul · 02/03/2025 10:40

Lots of people find dirty talk very sexy and a huge turn-on, so that alone isn’t unusual or worrying, but as with everything in bed - if you don’t like it and it turns you off, you need to tell your partner that it’s not something you enjoy and ask him not to do it.

Also, calling YOU a cunt has very different connotations from calling your vagina your cunt. The first one is generally intended to be derogatory. The second one isn’t.

I like a lot of talking in the filthiest possible language in the bedroom and the C word is actually the only word for my genitalia that I find sexy. However, if my partner called ME as a person a cunt, I’d be furious. So that is an important distinction.

That’s perfectly reasonable.

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 02/03/2025 10:51

We have a no swearing in anger rule. So we never, ever swear in arguments or directed at each other.

I also despise the C word and the word bitch as its massively misogynistic.

Other than those two words, my DH has a giant potty mouth. He swears like a sailor lol.

But he wouldn't ever use words I am uncomfortable with.

Your partner tried it out and you didn't like it. You should feel free to voice than and he should never ever do it again.

I think the C word is an intense enough of a word that he probably should have floated the idea with you before intimacy. I don't think it's something you just try out in the moment... But maybe I am biased as I really hate that word and sex would be over the moment it left his mouth.

Consent is crucial and if anything at all makes you uncomfortable, that is valid.

He can get his thrills in other ways.

ItGhoul · 02/03/2025 17:05

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 02/03/2025 10:51

We have a no swearing in anger rule. So we never, ever swear in arguments or directed at each other.

I also despise the C word and the word bitch as its massively misogynistic.

Other than those two words, my DH has a giant potty mouth. He swears like a sailor lol.

But he wouldn't ever use words I am uncomfortable with.

Your partner tried it out and you didn't like it. You should feel free to voice than and he should never ever do it again.

I think the C word is an intense enough of a word that he probably should have floated the idea with you before intimacy. I don't think it's something you just try out in the moment... But maybe I am biased as I really hate that word and sex would be over the moment it left his mouth.

Consent is crucial and if anything at all makes you uncomfortable, that is valid.

He can get his thrills in other ways.

I think the C word is an intense enough of a word that he probably should have floated the idea with you before intimacy. I don't think it's something you just try out in the moment... But maybe I am biased as I really hate that word and sex would be over the moment it left his mouth.

I wouldn’t necessarily expect someone to say outright ‘Would you mind if I used the C word?’ but you’re right that it’s a strong word to just use out of nowhere and obviously a lot of people hate it. I would expect some build-up to test the waters, as it were.

I had a boyfriend when I was in my early 20s who was appalled at the very idea that I liked to use that sort of language in bed. Interestingly, he was very abusive outside of the bedroom, and turned out to be quite misogynistic - while in contrast, my DP of 22 years is absolutely filthy in bed but the most gentle, calm, feminist man you could imagine. In fact, it’s been my personal experience that the nicest men I’ve dated have, by far, been the ones who like it dirty. The horrible ones were actually the ones who wanted much more decorum in bed.

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 02/03/2025 17:14

ItGhoul · 02/03/2025 17:05

I think the C word is an intense enough of a word that he probably should have floated the idea with you before intimacy. I don't think it's something you just try out in the moment... But maybe I am biased as I really hate that word and sex would be over the moment it left his mouth.

I wouldn’t necessarily expect someone to say outright ‘Would you mind if I used the C word?’ but you’re right that it’s a strong word to just use out of nowhere and obviously a lot of people hate it. I would expect some build-up to test the waters, as it were.

I had a boyfriend when I was in my early 20s who was appalled at the very idea that I liked to use that sort of language in bed. Interestingly, he was very abusive outside of the bedroom, and turned out to be quite misogynistic - while in contrast, my DP of 22 years is absolutely filthy in bed but the most gentle, calm, feminist man you could imagine. In fact, it’s been my personal experience that the nicest men I’ve dated have, by far, been the ones who like it dirty. The horrible ones were actually the ones who wanted much more decorum in bed.

Show quote history

I think very misogynistic men expect those they are in relationships to maintain some sort of fictional purity (whilst simultaneously satisfying them).
They won't swear or do "dirty" things because the future/mother of their children shouldn't want those things.

They think being kinky or sexually liberated is something only to be appreciated in one night stands or "the type of girls they would never marry".

Kink done properly is all about consent, respect and being accepting... It really should go hand in hand with feminism (for those that enjoy it) so I'm not surprised by your experiences.

(speaking in generalisations here, just my observed experience).

Original poster

choreographedchaosmachine · 02/03/2025 17:35

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 02/03/2025 17:14

I think very misogynistic men expect those they are in relationships to maintain some sort of fictional purity (whilst simultaneously satisfying them).
They won't swear or do "dirty" things because the future/mother of their children shouldn't want those things.

They think being kinky or sexually liberated is something only to be appreciated in one night stands or "the type of girls they would never marry".

Kink done properly is all about consent, respect and being accepting... It really should go hand in hand with feminism (for those that enjoy it) so I'm not surprised by your experiences.

(speaking in generalisations here, just my observed experience).

Show quote history

The Madonna - whore complex, it explains a lot.

OP posts:

DramaAlpaca · 02/03/2025 17:43

We're quite a sweary family (all of us adults) but swearing at each other and name calling just doesn't happen and wouldn't be tolerated.

I don't turn a hair at the word cunt, but I really don't think I'd be comfortable hearing it in bed... but that might be because it's a word I've never heard DH use.

ItGhoul · 02/03/2025 17:43

FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 02/03/2025 17:14

I think very misogynistic men expect those they are in relationships to maintain some sort of fictional purity (whilst simultaneously satisfying them).
They won't swear or do "dirty" things because the future/mother of their children shouldn't want those things.

They think being kinky or sexually liberated is something only to be appreciated in one night stands or "the type of girls they would never marry".

Kink done properly is all about consent, respect and being accepting... It really should go hand in hand with feminism (for those that enjoy it) so I'm not surprised by your experiences.

(speaking in generalisations here, just my observed experience).

Show quote history

Agreed. There was a (now deleted) thread the other day where a lot of people were assuming that if a man likes certain things in bed, he must be abusive and hate women even if the woman also likes and consents to those things - but in my experience, the very opposite has been true.

It’s absolutely the consent that’s the key thing, not the act itself - which is of course why the OP’s boyfriend needs to STFU with the C-word if she doesn’t like it.