Keeping old things

[CandidFish]

AIBU to want DH to keep just one box of his old things?

Context: we live in a spacious 3 bed semi with quite a lot of storage space plus a small boarded loft. The house is generally tidy and clean, no excess of clutter on show. We have some cupboards which are a bit busy and not as organised as I’d like but this doesn’t affect our day to day lives.

We have two DC, 7 and 9, and finally feel like I have some time to sort through some of the disorganised/cluttered cupboards and the loft.

I’ve been sorting through various things and giving to charity etc. and my DH is happy with that. But he has things of his that he needs to go through (and we need to make the time to allow him to do that) and is happy to go through but he is saying that he will probably want to keep “a few” (“difficult to quantify exactly how much but maybe three”) boxes of old things from childhood, university, mementos of things we did together, etc. in the loft.

Whilst I accept once all the rest is clear and organised as I want it, it won’t be so bad for him to keep some things, I still see it as clutter to have more than one box of things like that.

It will all end up in the skip one day having barely been looked at over the years, and the kids will want to keep some things too and it will all keep adding up.

AIBU?

Most things you own will probably eventually end up in a skip. So what?

He wants three boxes of memories. You have the room for it. So, why not? Why does your need to ‘organise’ trump his nostalgia?

They are his things and he can decide how many of them he wants. Don’t be controlling, especially over silly things that do not impact your life.

Unless he turns into a hoarder, it's absolutely none of your business how many sentimental items he keeps. Don't be controlling!

It will all end up in the skip one day.

YANBU
Having cleared more than one family members home, I agree. It will all end up a skip.
If you have room and it doesn't affect everyday life and it's only a couple of boxes, let him keep it. If his stuff needs a room - I'd be less inclined.

But he has things of his that he needs to go through (and we need to make the time to allow him to do that)

This reads a bit…….infantalising? What has his possessions/books/stuff got to do with you? Why is a grown man not ‘allowed’ to retain what possessions he wants to in his own home?

It will all end up in the skip one day

So will all your children’s toys, artwork, your best clothes, the photos of your children and so on, so why not just chuck it now? Not so easy is it?!

I assume it's also his house OP. Are you always this controlling?

I think YABU.

You can't dictate to him what he keeps if it is out of the way.

He's not on the same page as you on this topic and I think you need to accept that and maybe reflect on why this is so important to you that you'd cause a conflict over it

Not everyone wants a minimalist life. Unless it's interfering with your ability to live safely and comfortably in your home (as in actual fire hazard or permanent piles or stacks of clutter in living spaces, not just 'more stuff than you'd like'), there has to be some flexibility. His plan to reduce his mementos down to 'a few' boxes of memories seems like a good compromise.

I want this, I want that, not as I’d like it … is this a wind up?

It sounds as though you want to be in complete control of how things are organized and stored in the house. That's not fair. Surely, even if he wanted twenty boxes of stuff kept in boxes in the loft, it wouldn't affect your life in any way whatsoever? He has as much right as you do to decide what to keep.

I think it's really sad that you think his old possessions and momentos, which are clearly important to him, are clutter. They are memories and reminders of good times in his life, why shouldn't he keep them? Possessions can have sentimental feelings attached to them which makes them valuable.
Also you've got the space, so what difference does it make to you. Your post gives the impression that you think everything should be done your way.
I have a large loft which is completely full of stuff like that from my own and my adult children's lives. But then I like objects which have meaning to them. I have all sorts of interesting things handed down from parents and grandparents on display, I also have collections of various antique things. You'd probably think it was all clutter and should be got rid of.

So everything has to be how you want it !! Wow!

I'd be on the way out of the door rather than live with that attitude.

If I was your DH, I'd just bring home one extremely large box, put all of my stuff in it and then wait to see what you said about that 😁

If my partner tried to dictate what I could and could not keep, I would very swifty rid myself of the biggest thing in the house to which I am sentimentally attached, him.

You are being totally unreasonable. If you lacked the space to keep his stuff I'd maybe say YANBU and you need to come up with a compromise together, but you say that there is room. It's not unreasonable for you to ask that he keep these boxes out of sight, but if he's able to do that without disrupting the household then it's hard to see a legitimate issue from your side.

I can understand your feelings. I hate stuff for the sake of it and boxes that gather dust and spiders that will never actually be looked at. I would prefer that my husband contain his memories to his side of our double cupboard but he doesn't. What I do do is try and keep the boxes in one spot and clearly label them as his. That way I can at least compartmentalise them more easily in my head.

Thank you all for the replies.

Not to try to change your opinions but to try to give some more context and reasoning behind some of my worries…

The things of his I mentioned are in a complete mess in his wardrobe, desk and loft. His elderly parents are hoarders, their house is full of stuff (not the most extreme like you might see on TV but not far off)(theirs is a safety issue and they are claiming to be clearing through things but nothing much ever seems to change), so in part I worry what he might become like.

Also, since we’ve been in this house for over a decade, when I’ve wanted to clear through stuff, I have always felt controlled by him in that he will let me go through stuff but always wanting to pick out things to keep ‘as they may come in handy’ or select toys I think the kids have outgrown that he thinks they might still want to play with. So over the years I’ve cleared through only the minimum to keep the house clear enough to allow us all to enjoy it but lost enthusiasm for getting rid of the excess mentioned in my original post.

I still agree with all the previous comments OP, sorry!

Yes it is and no I’m not, it’s just something that has come up and I don’t agree with him needing to keep multiple boxes of things.

Not a wind up. The use of I is just explaining what I would like and seeking views on here of what others think.

Surely compromise is the answer? Can you think of a solution that would make you both happy?

That’s funny, wouldn’t surprise me if he does that 😂

I don’t agree with him needing to keep multiple boxes of things

Well he doesn’t need to. You don’t need a husband or children or a house. But you want them. And that’s fine.

Thank you

Thank you yes I’m sure it is. It’s helpful having these responses.