To feel utterly useless

[CrazythenewNorm]

inside.

I have a sort of a deep feeling in my stomach where I will feel utter despair. It is like I have such a low opinion of myself, that any criticism at all makes me feel sick, like my body goes into a fight or flight mode. I am really bad at any form of confrontation, I cannot handle it. It seems to cause my body to have a huge overreaction. I thought it may be to do with losing a close relative 2 years ago, but I think I have always been this way. I think it is to do with my lack of confidence inside, so even a slight derogatory comment can hurt more than it should.
Nobody will know this on the outside, I hide it well, they perceive me to be strong, because I just get on with things, appear well and put together. I am the bubbly Mum smiling at the school gates, baking and laughing with my dcs, I adore them, and love to read and bake.
Lately however, I have felt a bit despondent, and just not as excited by things. I have felt a lot more pessimistic, and just generally wonder why I'm here, when other better people die.
I think this has occurred since my parent died. I am feel a bit better as time goes on, although I had a huge cry today, when dh and dcs were out of the house. I feel angry at myself, and just want to snap out of it. Some days I feel better than others, maybe hormones aren’t helping. I have had a lot going on lately as well, so anybody may be feeling a bit delicate. However, I do think this is me, I had these feelings when I was a child. I was once shouted at by a teacher, and felt upset for days afterwards, it’s like it takes me ages to snap back. I will lose my appetite, and just want to hide from the world.

I could feel happy, confident, then one tiny thing will bring me down so easily from 10 to 0. I’ll want to avoid people, and think I’m not worth talking to. I’ll feel like they would rather talk to somebody else sometimes (not always).

I'm not sure what I'm looking for from this thread. Sorry to waste anyone's time.

Aww CrazythenewNorm that all sounds really hard. What you are feeling isn't normal across the board (I don't think) but also not abnormal either.

I'm no expert, but really looks to me like you'd benefit from counselling.

Sorry, I should have probably posted this on the health board. I think that I do feel a bit unreasonable too though, as there are people with worse lives, and here I am feeling this way. It really is unacceptable. Maybe my feelings are deep rooted from childhood and my relationship with dm, possibly. Or do I have some sort of undiagnosed condition and I am blaming it on that, who knows. I do have a neurological condition which I now take medication for after having seizures, but I haven't been diagnosed with any psychological illnesses (as yet).

I wonder if anyone has any similar experiences, and what was wrong with them. I have been searching on Google, and it is a minefield.

Has anybody suffered from avoidance personality disorder? It sounds similar.

My best friend seemed a bit like how you are describing. She tried counselling and it never worked in the end she has gone on antidepressants and is now really embracing life and talks about how much happier she is since going on them.
I have known about 5 other friends to go on them and they helped but in a slow and steady kind of way which has needed more careful management.
I would initially speak to the doctor and be checked for vitamin deficiencies, pre menopause etc and once you are clear of those things keep demanding the doctor provides you with some help counselling or other. Good luck

Thank you. I'm thinking I've had it from childhood, and maybe a few things that have happened have exuberated it lately. Dm was emotionally unavailable growing up, and maybe this has affected me more than I have realised.

When I have read up about avoidance Personality disorder that sounds like me to the letter.
I'm on a few strong meds for epilepsy, I'm not sure what they could add, and i'm already spaced out from what I take as it is. I feel it is a deep rooted issue.

It is like I cannot admitt weakness, and have to be strong all of the time. If I show any weakness, or feel a certain way, I feel that I am failing and not good enough. I tell everyone else "it is okay not to be okay", yet when it comes to me, it really isn't. I grew up with friends, some close friends and didn't have any issues, despite feeling insecure and different inside; I didn't understand it as a child/teenager. I think I have self sabotaged friendships as an adult, not let relationships become anything other than surface level, and even then on certain days I'll avoid people, because I came across well the last time, and what if I don't this time and then they don't like me anymore. Honestly, it is exhausting to socialise. I had a really close friendship with a girl at work but it was only because we worked together closely for a decade, and I saw her more than dh, so I got comfortable with her. I then realised that she was selfish, and using me as an agony aunt, ironically.

I identify strongly with what you are saying and yes, it does sound as though you are depressed. However, it may help to look at your diet. I feel better and stronger with low carb eating, in particular minimal sugar and bread, but ok with meat, veg and dairy.

all the best

Thank you, I'll have a look into it. My diet is pretty healthy though, similar to that, good BMI, and I do plenty of exercise.

Forgot to day @Tumbler2121 I'm pleased you're feeling better now. 💐

I also feel a bit better today, it is a weird thing. I know it'll change though.