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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should he have said sorry

27 replies

worriedmum8686 · 01/03/2025 22:22

I had plans with friends tonight had made them so I could make sure I had the kids (5 and 4) in bed and sleeping for me leaving it was just to a friends house for a catch up. Partner knew about this but unfortunately got called into work at last minute he was onto 8pm and told me he'd be home for 830pm. It got to 8pM and I hadn't heard from him to say he had left so I texted. He said they hadn't been able to leave yet...830 still hadn't left. I got arsey because he hadn't said sorry I don't mean a sorry like it was his fault but there was nothing. No acknowledgement that my plans were up in the air. He has just got in at 1015pm. As we were arguing he said he wouldn't be apologising for something that was out of his control. I have just found it weird he does get called into work last minute but never has he been held on this long past the time he has been told he was meant to stay too. Was I unreasonable to expect an acknowledgment of some sort. He has just called me every name under the sun and went straight to bed because he can't stand to be around me according to him

OP posts:
MaggieBsBoat · 01/03/2025 22:26

If I put someone out - anyone - even if it’s due to circumstances beyond my control, I apologise for it. An apology isn’t just for admitting guilt it is literally saying I’m sorry that this is the situation.
Your DH is being a knob.

Original poster
worriedmum8686 · 01/03/2025 22:29

MaggieBsBoat · 01/03/2025 22:26

If I put someone out - anyone - even if it’s due to circumstances beyond my control, I apologise for it. An apology isn’t just for admitting guilt it is literally saying I’m sorry that this is the situation.
Your DH is being a knob.

Yes I would too but he's making me think i have no right to be annoyed at the situation

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 01/03/2025 22:31

Was it absolutely essential he went into work? Surely he can say ‘sorry I’m not available?’

And yes he owes you an apology no question

StSwithinsDay · 01/03/2025 22:32

He has just called me every name under the sun and went straight to bed because he can't stand to be around me according to him

He sounds lovely. Not.

Original poster
worriedmum8686 · 01/03/2025 22:32

TwistedWonder · 01/03/2025 22:31

Was it absolutely essential he went into work? Surely he can say ‘sorry I’m not available?’

And yes he owes you an apology no question

He's in emergency services apparently he can't say no- it's just always been this way however it never happens when he has plans surprisingly

OP posts:
Love51 · 01/03/2025 22:34

Mh suspicions would be either he's controlling and didn't want you to go out (65%)
Or, he's fucked up at work and didn't want to admit it (15%)
He works in something important and something has made him sad and angry, like a death or harm (10 %)
Or something else, 10%.

Love51 · 01/03/2025 22:35

Just seen the update.
Emergency services is a stressful job but I'm not sure I'd expect it to lead to arguments as mentioned in the first post.

2025willbemytime · 01/03/2025 22:37

Don't believe him. If he was genuinely in work then he'd be saying sorry not calling you names.

YesHonestly · 01/03/2025 22:37

He didn’t want you to go out.

yeesh · 01/03/2025 22:38

Sounds like he wanted to ruin your night tbh l, especially if it never happens when he has plans. Does it often happen when you are going out?

MyrtleLion · 01/03/2025 22:41

worriedmum8686 · 01/03/2025 22:32

He's in emergency services apparently he can't say no- it's just always been this way however it never happens when he has plans surprisingly

Show quote history

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

Original poster
worriedmum8686 · 01/03/2025 22:44

no when I go out 80% of the time he is working so my mum has the kids if he does have them he is fine. Plus I had told him I would have the kids sleeping before I went so it wouldn't have affected his night at all. He has now told me he doesn't think we have a future anymore he is extremely unhappy as I am so controlling. I asked him how am I controlling and he said after a few mins because I wash everyone's clothes after one wear he can't just put his clothes back in the wardrobe if he wants too. I am a horrible, selfish partner apparently.

I asked him what do I ask of him I work full time Mon to Fri- I do all the school runs, all the after school clubs, all the washing, cooking, cleaning and the shopping so I don't know how I order him about. He gets home from work the kids are usually in bed or on their way to bed, he has dinner gets a shower puts on the tv and I make him a cup of tea at about 10pm once I have finished getting all the jobs done after the kids have went to bed. I wish that was my nightly routine

OP posts:
Diningtableornot · 01/03/2025 22:45

He should say sorry. I would if my train was delayed it’s nothing to do with being culpable.

Hotflushesandchilblains · 01/03/2025 22:48

It very much sounds like he wants out but wants to pretend it is your fault. Sorry, it (and his behaviour) sounds awful.

Original poster
worriedmum8686 · 01/03/2025 22:52

Yes I think so too. Our kids adore him too but he hasn't had much time for them recently

OP posts:
Threeboystwocatsandadog · 01/03/2025 22:55

Well, you would have one less cup of tea to make and 1/4 less work to do if you ditch him. You can also arrange to go out on the nights he has the kids. If he has to go into work he will have to arrange childcare.

TangerinePlate · 01/03/2025 22:56

What’s exactly his contribution to your family? Kids adore him for what he? Being absent?

Maitri108 · 01/03/2025 22:58

I think you're focusing on the wrong thing. Your husband called you every name under the sun for asking for an apology.

AyeDeadOn · 01/03/2025 23:01

What would he have done if you'd already gone out? Unless he was on call, in which case surely you wouldn't have banked on him looking after the kids, then he can't be forced to go into work.

Original poster
worriedmum8686 · 01/03/2025 23:02

Maitri108 · 01/03/2025 22:58

I think you're focusing on the wrong thing. Your husband called you every name under the sun for asking for an apology.

He calls me names all the time so I think I'm kind of immune to that now. He is horrible when he is angry really horrible. He wasn't at the beginning though so I don't know if it's just been the stress of family like that's brought this side out in him. He used to be so caring and sweet to me he made me feel so important but once I had the kids things just really changed

OP posts:
Original poster
worriedmum8686 · 01/03/2025 23:02

AyeDeadOn · 01/03/2025 23:01

What would he have done if you'd already gone out? Unless he was on call, in which case surely you wouldn't have banked on him looking after the kids, then he can't be forced to go into work.

He was in work from 8am this morning

OP posts:
Maitri108 · 01/03/2025 23:10

worriedmum8686 · 01/03/2025 23:02

He calls me names all the time so I think I'm kind of immune to that now. He is horrible when he is angry really horrible. He wasn't at the beginning though so I don't know if it's just been the stress of family like that's brought this side out in him. He used to be so caring and sweet to me he made me feel so important but once I had the kids things just really changed

Show quote history

That tends to happen with abusers unfortunately. They're sweetness and light until they have their feet under the table.

He works in a highly pressured environment. Does he take his stress out on his work colleagues? Calling them names and getting aggressive?

If not then I'm afraid he's deliberately abusing you. Look at what you tolerate from him. You're used to being called names and bullied in your own home.

Do you want this to be your and your children's lives?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/03/2025 23:25

Yes he should have said sorry. I apologised when I was late to a meeting this week due to a train delay which was clearly not my fault ans had also given an update of how late I was running. Also he should generally just give a shit and feel bad for you that your night was ruined. But it's unlikely that someone who calls their partner names is going to do that

Rivari · 01/03/2025 23:27

YANBU OP. My husband is also incapable of apologising and doesn't understand why he should, it's infuriating.

Cornishclio · 01/03/2025 23:34

Sounds like his issues go deeper. I would not want to stay with a man who calls you names. Let him wash his own clothes, cook his own meals and don't bother about cups of tea for him. Is there a reason you are fixated on washing his clothes or is he just using that as an excuse?

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