14DS’ best friend unbelievably jealous of another boy AIBU

[multimediatheclerk]

Hello all.
I’d firstly like to state that my adopted son was adopted as a result of relative adoption, meaning I am his aunt and he is my nephew, so we’re related but we have a mother-son relationship. I do, however, have other, biological children.

DS has had a best friend since the age of 10. They do practically everything together; confide in eachother and have a generally very close relationship. DS’ best friend is also a 14yo boy and has constantly been very insecure and easily jealous of other people, especially those who my son pays quite a bit of attention to. DS’ best friend is skilled at music and maths, and prides himself greatly on these talents - rightfully so.
However, DS’ best friend has severe acne, is not conventionally attractive and has issues with self esteem and insecurity as a result. I do suspect he has a bit of a crush on my son as well but I don’t know for sure. The pair have certainly shown ‘joking’ attraction to one another.

At the start of the school year, another boy joined their year group whom my son described as skilled at the same things his best friend is, and conventionally handsome and attractive. He said that the best friend was fine with him at first but gradually has become more and more jealous as the months have gone by as this boy is not only talented at his talents, he also receives more attention for his looks. He’s afraid this boy will replace him as DS’ best friend instead.

So lately, DS’ best friend has been feeling tremendously insecure. It’s gotten to the point where DS’ best friend is so afraid of being abandoned by DS that he’ll call him in the middle of the night and repeatedly ask ‘do you still like me, or is [the other boy] going to replace me since he’s so much better than me and better looking too.’

I eavesdropped on one of these conversations and I’ll simply say that it wasn’t a pretty situation. DS’ best friend was clearly manic and anxious and is wearing my DS out with this. The issue is, DS fears that if he pulls away even slightly from his best friend, his best friend will take that as a sign of abandonment and lose his mind, but DS is being mentally exhausted and worn out by his best friend in the process. He confessed to me it was starting to be draining to be around him, as all he ever talks about is the boy he’s jealous of.

So, for now, I’ve decided to knuckle down and heavily limit contact between DS and his best friend. DS was quite upset but I reminded him that it was for the better. My concern is that DS’ best friend will freak out, isolate and who knows what else he’ll do, seeing as he’s so immensely attached to my DS. I was called by DS’ best friend’s mother this morning and she said that what I was doing was harming her son, she was quite rude and then she hung up. I haven’t heard anything since.

So, my question is, AIBU? I don’t want to hurt the feelings of DS’ best friend at all because he’s fairly extreme but I also don’t want DS to be affected by his poor mental health. I hope some wise person can advise. 🙂

I think it's sensible of you to try and protect your son. He is not responsible for his friend's insecurities or mental health problems. If I were you, I'd remove DS's phone at bedtime and keep it in your room. If your son is concerned about his friend's wellbeing, is there a counsellor or pastoral care lead person that he can speak to at school?

Finally are you sure these are just friendships or are there romantic elements to the relationship? What does your son say? Can you have a talk with him about coercive/controlling behaviour and what healthy relationships look like (i.e. not possessive)

. I was called by DS’ best friend’s mother this morning and she said that what I was doing was harming her son, she was quite rude and then she hung up.
I'm actually appalled by her behaviour and the emotional blackmail here. Your poor son, (and you) the fact that they're trying to use this type of coercive control is awful and a good indicator to detach from them.

@Endofyear
There is a counsellor. Both my son and his best friend attend her.
I’m going to remove his phone from his room today, wish me luck!
Son says that it’s purely friendship but when I ask his best friend about it, he gets all flustered. So I’m not sure.
That being said, our family is religious and, while I have no problem with him being gay and would celebrate it, I know some of our family might disagree so that probably plays a major role. But from my perspective, no, there’s nothing that would suggest romance/romantic about their relationship. Just very close mates, for now.

@CaptainFuture To be honest, I don’t think I should lump the son + the mother together. His mother’s been known to be… eccentric to say the absolute least, but I do care about this boy and his personal safety.