Is this normal?

[dontfuxkwithroy]

Hello
I don't know where to start with this tbh and I could probably go on for weeks but I'm mid 40s and have young ish kids. I think I have a codependent relationship with my mother but maybe it's abusive I don't know. I don't know if it's normal and I'm perimenopause and just losing my mind a bit about it

My mother controls a lot of what I do. Always has done but particularly since I moved back to my home town with my husband and children. She is very helpful and minds the children after school but I almost feel like she does it to monitor me / them. She will tell me where I am going wrong in parenting them or if they tell her something she doesn't like ( could be what they ate at the weekend) I'll get scolded. My husbands mum has offered in the past to help with childcare but my mother sulks and gives me silent treatment / ignores me / sings around me if I let MIL mind children. I could go on and on. I have to soft launch any ideas about days away / activities for kids to my mother before doing anything depending o her mood . If I don't and she's liable to sulk or tell me how it was a terrible idea if something doesn't work out I feel sorry for her. I have turned down promotions that wouod have involved travelling because she was really aghast when I told her and I almost don't know my own opinions / wants / ambitions anymore. I even feel anxious writing this post. She's lonely, (my father is in care) but she treats me the way she used to treat him. They had a terrible marriage. She has no hobbies / friends. Her life basically revolves around organising money. AIBU? Are all mothers like this?

Most mothers are not like this, a parent should encourage you to be the best version of yourself, exciting promotions and all.
You need to get to the point where you don’t care if she sulks but you might need therapy to get there.

No all mothers are not like this, mine isnt.

You have the insight and experience to recognise the same negative behaviour patterns that she had with your father so you know the answer to your own questions.

You are not going mad.

Do your children witness her behaviour?
She shouldnt be undermining you in front of them as this is very damaging.

You need to believe in yourself and decide where the boundaries will be.

You're a grown woman - why are you tippy toeing around your mother when it comes to making your own decisions? You don't have to tell her everything. You don't need her approval to do what you want to do.

I think you need some counselling to work on yourself. You cannot control what your mother does or says but you are not responsible for how she reacts to things. If she wants to sulk, let her. If she disagrees with you, tell her cheerfully that you'll have to agree to disagree and not discuss it any more. The world won't end because she disapproves of something. Work on your assertiveness and your boundaries.

I agree with everyone. Yes I need to work on myself / learn boundaries etc. these are lifelong behaviours and are 'normal' in my relationship so I can't step out of them at whim but thank you for the advise.