To think extended family don’t need to be invited to this

[mouseymummy]

I am NC with my mums brother and sister. Have been for about 8 years due to my aunts constant griping about me being a single parent and a carer for my now 12yo dd who has a rare genetic condition. Just really ableist stuff. I’m NC with my uncle and his wife as he essentially blamed the DV I lived through on me. My mum is more than aware of it and hates it. I’ve been around them a few times and I’m always polite but don’t engage in conversation with them. The last time I saw them was about 3 years ago and my aunt immediately doubled down when she saw my DD stand up to go get a drink (she’s an ambulatory wheelchair user). Luckily my DD didn’t hear her. I told her that was uncalled for and disgusting, she should be ashamed of herself and walked away. We left not long after as my DD was tired and I took the opportunity to leave.

on to the actual issue, we are heading out for a meal for my eldest DD’s 21st. My mum is asking if she can invite my aunt and uncle, I’ve immediately said no. The party consists (so far) of Dd1, me, my DP, DD2, DS, my mum, my dad, DD1s dad, stepmom and grandad. That’s more than enough people and, quite frankly, DD1 doesn’t want them there (she’s seen quite a lot of it, she’s LC with them through her own choices, especially after the incident 3 years ago) but my mum is pressuring me and DD1 to invite them.

At this point, I feel like telling my mum that I’m cancelling and just go out with my kids, DP and DDs dad. Am I being UR? It’s stressing me and DD out.

Tell dm it's time to pick a side.. The Nice Family..
Or The Arseholes..
And mean it.

you don't need to explain it or anything, your mum gets told - NO
remember on Mumsnet NO is a complete sentence.

then warn her if she asks again, she and dad will become uninvited.

No and if you ask again you won’t be coming either

Surely it’s up to your daughter who comes to her birthday. If (like you) she has no relationship with auntie and uncle then no. If she does and wants them there than I guess that’s her decision.

I’d be telling my mum that they are not getting invited and if she can’t accept that then maybe she shouldn’t come either!

you are NC for a reason and she shouldn’t come respect your decision.

This is what I said when my mum originally brought up them coming. Why would DD want them there? Apparently, family is important and all the usual BS, like my DD2 being comfortable and allowed to be herself isn’t?

I’ve passed this response to my DD1 (she’s sat next to me), I’ve told DD1 that if my mum asks again, I’m just telling her that she’s not welcome, I’m sick of having this argument with her tbh.

I was just about to type the same response. If my DM did this (and i have immediate family relatives i am NC with) I would say exactly that. Either you stop asking or you dont come.

And maybe ask her to think about why she is prioritising these relatives on this occasion and not DD and you? And before she replies let her know that “family matters” as a response doesnt cut it and she knows exactly why.

I’d be asking why, if family is so important to her, she’s willing to let her daughter be blamed for someone else being abusive, and her granddaughter be insulted about a medical condition that is completely out of her control? Where’s her loyalty to family there?

I think I’d also be suggesting that if she feels so strongly that her brother and sister should be allowed to say whatever they like about you and your DD, it’s probably for the best that she doesn’t come either.

I'd change the date anyway and not let your mum know. Seen too many threads on Reddit where they bring the offending relatives anyway, thinking it's a done deal now they're there.

Apparently he didn’t mean it like that. Yes that was her genuine response to me telling her I was cutting him off “well, your mouth probably didn’t help, did it” were his exact words. Wtf??? I’ve just stopped arguing with her on it because it doesn’t get me anywhere.

i will be using this though. I’m so annoyed that everything turns out to be an argument where I’m expected to forget everyone else’s actions towards me.

Why are their feelings more important than yours and your kids?

I'd match their energy. If they care, I care. If they put my feelings last I try to do the same to them, though it's hard when you were raised to be their doormat.

Wow, I thought this thread would be about a family event that your mum was organising or similar, not her trying to add people you are NC with to an event that you are organising. She's being really odd and unsupportive.

Fucking hell. In what world could that comment have meant anything else?

I’d suggest that your mum needs to see the consequences of her choices. If she chooses to prioritise two arseholes who are making comments like that to her daughter and granddaughter, then she can discover what it’s like when you prioritise yourself and your daughter over her. I’d say ‘Mum, I really would have loved if you could have been there, but I’m going to put me and my daughter first, even if you’re not willing to. So I think it’s best you don’t come and we’ll readdress the situation at some point in the future. Please don’t argue with me about this; I will not tolerate their behaviour, I will not be changing my mind and I don’t want our relationship with you to be any more damaged than it is currently.’

It would be absolutely weird even without all the bad behaviour and if you got along well with them. Your DD has invited who she has invited and that is that.
Your mother can have her own gatherings and can invite whoever she likes to those.