Questioning relationship

[Hartey40]

Been with my boyfriend/partner 2 1/2 years, he can be kind, caring and fun and loving, but when we fall out he won't take any responsibility, he shuts down, says he feels ill and hasn't the energy to give me what I need , it's usually me who makes the steps to resolve it. In addition he drinks quite heavily (when not in work) and smokes weed. We are both in our 50's, I struggle with abandonment issues from an affair in my ex marriage, so this can cause issues and arguments as i am quite insecure. I've recently had a health scare (still ongoing) and I do suffer with health anxiety on top, but he's not supporting me in that either as we argued a few nights ago, so he is now pushing me away again when I need him the most. Not sure what I'm asking, just feeling a bit sad I guess x

Do you love him? Doesn’t sound like he does you. He’s acting like a man child.

@Pessismistic I do yes. He says he loves me , but I am questioning that at the moment, he's Spanish too so don't know if it's a bit cultural

Is he worth the effort? Would you be happier without all his sulking?

The flaws you describe him as having, OP, are fatal to any relationship. There's nothing to work with here and it sounds like he has issues with addiction. Have you become used to just getting crumbs in your relationship?

@Caroparo52 I find the sulking and the veiled threats of him not wanting to be with me, very traumatising, it causes me a lot of anxiety, I do provoke him too and I suspect I cause a lot of the arguments, he is very stubborn and it would go on for days if it wasn't for me.

I couldn’t be in a relationship with a sulker again. My ex once didn’t speak to me for 6wks. Can’t believe I didn’t end it then, but did eventually. We actually get on well these days, but weren’t good together.

@bigboykitty not necessarily crumbs but it's me who does all the compromising and the running...when it's good it's good, but when this happens I really struggle. He drinks cans of lagers every day, he works in a restaurant, so will have a couple of cans before work (today he started at 11am. Has a couple of beers on his break then when he gets home he drinks and has a couple of joints.

Tbh I wouldn’t like him drinking every day and smoking weed this must affect his moods.

@Pessismistic I think it does yes

It’s sounds like you have a lot going on now with your health can you stop trying to fix things with him and concentrate on yourself that fact your insecure he doesn’t seem to be bothered about upsetting you or being less stubborn and this behaviour is not healthy for you. Have you spoken about him cutting down his drinking and smoking weed.

@Pessismistic he doesn't see the drinking or the smoking as a problem, I met him when he was like that, he's almost 54 so don't think he will change.

Then you have a big decision do you put up with his behaviour or move on?

@Pessismistic well I'm definitely not chasing him this time, so it may come to a natural end. I've chased him enough

Good for you. Hope everything works out for you.