To be losing my sanity over my baby’s naps

[Mushypeas101]

Triggered this by a friend saying “my kids slept well from 4 months because we implemented a routine”. This made me feel like I’m a terrible mother because my baby wakes 3 times a night (sometimes more) and won’t nap in the crib (only pram or car). It is literally making me go mad, I used to be a relaxed mid 30s woman in a job that paid well which I was good at. Now I feel like I can’t even look after a baby properly. I don’t know who I am anymore.

does anyone else feel this way? I guess I just hope things will get better on their own but I feel like they’re not going to as everything I’ve tried so far has failed. Looking for some positive stories please 🥹

Firstly, I'll always recommend Lydney hookway on IG, kept me sane.

Otherwise- are you going mad because you think it should be different? That's a different issue to finding the actual sleep a problem.

Some babies don't like routine. My DD was a terrible sleeper for a LONG time and nothing I did worked. No 'relaxing bedtime routine' no 'bath before bed' no 'strict 730 pm bedtime' no 'ultra black out blinds'. I drove myself mad for a while trying to 'fix it'. In the end I just went with it and it was much easier.

That's not to say you can't change things if you want to, and that your baby won't be receptive to change - just another way of looking at it.

It is so hard in those early days, I really sympathise.

All babies are different. Your friends kids probably slept well because they were just good sleepers and not because of her amazing routine.

If it was as easy as good routine, then no one would have babies that didn't nap.

My baby doesn't nap much in the daytime either so solidarity, it is exhausting. Nighttime sleep is good, she only wakes up once, but I definitely don't think three times is anywhere outside the realms of normal. Especially if you're breastfeeding.

Thank you 😊 Yes I feel like it should be different and that I need to follow a routine but I can’t because she doesn’t nap when she “should” and therefore no routine can be followed.

I used to be a chill person hence why I can’t believe I’ve become like this!

Dd1 slept through from 3 months and I might have been a big smug bit then Ds Didn’t sleep through until 18 months. I followed the same routine for both. You’re not doing anything wrong, babies are all different

How old is your baby? DC1 didn’t sleep through until she was 2 and only napped for 5-10 minutes at a time. I found a bedtime routine useful more for myself as it was a couple of hours where I didn’t have to think, she still struggled with sleep though. DC2 was completely the opposite and I ended up taking her to the doctors because I thought she was sleeping too much!
Acceptance is the key, she might just not be ready yet. Most likely nothing you are doing wrong.

Almost 6 months. It’s been pretty much like this since 11 weeks (when as a newborn she would do 6-7 hour stretches so I got lulled into a false sense of security).

amd breastfed overnight, gets 1-2 bottles a day plus breast milk. Have been giving her porridge once a day too.

I’m sure you are doing absolutely fine. It can be a minefield of differing information out there and you can’t possibly follow all the advice whatever you do - which means there will always be someone out there who thinks you are doing it “wrong” not matter how you do it! You can’t win.

I’m pretty certain your DD doesn’t think you are doing it wrong.

I never followed a routine or put babies down for naps purposely. They slept whenever or wherever was convenient which sometimes means they didn’t sleep. Means I’m doing it wrong according to many. One slept through at 4 months, one just before 2 years and one at 7 years old.

Seems completely normal to me, when my son was that age he was routinely waking 20+ times a night due to severe colic, it was horrendous and I was in pieces the whole time. Sleep training wouldn't have made a difference, we weren't doing anything wrong it was just bad luck that he had such bad wind.

I’m long out of practice with babies (about 30 yrs) but have you tried a bottle last thing and again if she wakes in the night?

Try and block it all out OP! Friends, baby group acquaintances, grandparents, anyone on Instagram (including “sleep consultants”), randoms like me on MN… Unless you’re actively wanting or asking for advice, try to just do you and avoid all the noise.

I can’t tell you how stressed I got about my eldest napping for 30 mins max, essentially until he turned one. All the books said he needed a long nap. Nothing I tried worked. It genuinely brought me to tears - even though I’m usually a sane and relatively competent person. I thought I must be doing everything wrong, which was daft because he was always super bright and happy and clearly doing fine on that Power Nap life.

I didn’t do anything deliberately differently with number two, and yet they were a whole different baby. Slept for essentially the first four months of life. Lives for a long nap. Sleeps better at night. Totally different in personality. I had decided that I wasn’t going to waste any time in a precious second maternity leave of forcing square pegs into round holes, so we had a lovely year with carrier naps and pram naps and going with the flow.

They change so quickly and I know it’s probably not helpful now, but you’ll look back at this bit as just another phase. Or you’ll have forgotten about it in a few weeks or months. I’d suggest just doing whatever makes life easiest and happiest for you both.

Thank you. I needed to hear this. This sounds exactly like how I’ve become but I’m also so glad you went on to have a second. Right now that seems an impossible feat to me but maybe in a few months/years I’ll feel differently. I need to just chill 😎

@Mushypeas101 Oh, this took me right back! I was exactly the same with my DS who is now 15. His sleep went to utter shit when he was a few weeks old, and I was walking and driving miles to get him to nap each day. I felt like I was going insane trying to get it all to work like the books said it should. It was a horrible time.

Eventually it just got better, incrementally as he started eating then walking and getting genuinely more tired from physical activity. He slept absolutely fine from being a toddler onwards.

I'd convinced myself that his lack of sleep would impact negatively on his development and got in a proper tizz about it, but he's really bright and predicted really good grades in his GCSEs later this year.

I could have written your post word for word back then, but I promise it gets easier. Be gentle with yourself xxx

Yes I am driving so much every day! People think I’m mad but it’s that or I go mad in the house with an over tired baby. The other day my mum was up and she said “you were out for aaaages with the pram” and I was like er yeah there’s my life right now ha. Thank you so much for your post x

I relate so clearly to everything you’ve said, I really do! I can picture myself sobbing over the crib and wondering how I’d broken my baby. Chill is not my default setting.

I also accept that it’s so easy for me to look back and tell you to ignore everyone when my children are now nearly 4 and 2, but I think you can only benefit from hindsight when you’ve been through things yourself… Everyone tells you that “this too shall pass” and you know it will, but you don’t really KNOW it will until you’re looking back.

I’m currently expecting number three, so I’m either mad or it must just get easier at some point. Zero expectations, we will do whatever works. Sending you lots of love! ❤️

The only babies that sleep well belong to Other People. Always Other People.

Your baby lives in the real world, by the sound of it.

She gets a bottle before bed and I’m thinking to maybe introduce a bottle overnight as well and gradually stop bfing.

Babies haven't read the book that tells them what routine they should be in.

You make it up as you go along, and fit your routine to the baby's needs. In any case, just when you think you've got them into a routine, they go and develop, and it needs changing again.

Don't sweat it. All babies are different.

Worth a try

I'm the same!! I became so obsessed with my baby's sleep down to the minute and was always trying to avoid the villainous overtired baby. I actually feel now like I've wasted a lot of my maternity leave because of it, but when I was in the trenches it was hard to see things any other way. I will soon be returning to my stressful, challenging job where I have to make difficult decisions on the daily but during the last year I have been tied up in knots over whether my baby was going to make it to bedtime!

At 2 months old, my baby was happily falling asleep in her crib at night and started doing long stretches through the night. By 3 months old, she was napping in her crib. We had a baby who slept! We were rocking it (lolz)!! Around 10/11 months old she had separation anxiety, cold after cold and we were away for a long weekend. Our situation now is that she contact naps, gets rocked to sleep and placed in her cot at night and spends most of the night in my bed 🤣

I've learned to lean into it. They are all different, their needs change as they grow and they certainly won't always need us this much.

You absolutely can look after a baby, you are smashing it.

Like a PP, I've also found Lyndsay Hookaway hugely helpful and I've recently found the Beyond Sleep Training Project on Facebook. I really wish I'd found it sooner.

Ah it’s so nice to hear that I’m not alone. I do think the pushy sleep industry preys on vulnerable sleep deprived people and promises unrealistic goals. Cruel! Good luck going back to work x