Return to UK after 10yrs

[DayDreamAway]

My husband and I are getting divorced after 18 years together of which 10 years have been living in EU. Our children are 12, 9 and 6yrs old. He wants to return to UK after divorce and has arranged transfer with his employer. I would prefer to stay in EU country. I only have part-time job (not really a career as have always been primary carer for children).

Unreasonable to stay. return to UK so children have every other weekend with their father.

Not unreasonable to stay in settled country with children. Father can visit and children can go to UK during school holidays.

Can you elaborate a little more on why he prefers to return and you prefer to stay?

for me the answer will always be about what is best for the children. It’s not there fault their family is breaking up.

Do you have a support system?

will you manage on your pt wage plus child maintenance?

is the country one which enforces CM for non residents? Can he not pay?

what will your financial settlement look like? Will you have affordable housing on your own?

if you are financially independent and can support yourself and your children you are not unreasonable to stay or move to the UK.

if you are not, and need to look at getting a full time job, childcare etc you may have to move to where it is affordable. A consequence of being financially dependent on someone else.

I'm sorry that you have this dilemma, these things are always more complex than a simple answer.

I think there are a few things to think about.

Are the children settled and happy there and would a move be very disruptive in a time with a lot of change anyway? When I separated from my partner I decided to stay where I was because it gave the kids stability of friends and schools (but I didn't have the issue of their dad moving too far away so I realise its a bit of a moot point). I did think of moving at some points, (and did when they were older and I remaried) but I felt it was important to give them some anchor of normal day to day life. I know that's not always easy or possible though and kids do adapt with lots of support if you do move

Or do you think they would prefer to move to be closer to their dad so they see both of you regularly? The move is a big transition for them but they have the stability of both parents being around.

Also, some things to think about...

Will you be able to live on your wage (and hopefully with support from ex)?
Would you need to look for another job? And how would that work with solo parenting?
Do you have a support network around you, as you will be parenting solo in your day to day life (with obviously times when they are visiting their dad).
Or do you have any support here in the Uk that would be helpful?
As much as you need to think of the children's best interest, I also think you have to think what you want for your life. It sounds like you'd prefer to stay there and I can imagine mysef feeling resentful if I had to follow my ex back because he decided to make such a big move. This is probably a little dependant on how you feel about him and how amicable or not the separation is and how you feel you will parent whilst not together.

Do you think he will actually parent 50/50 or every weekend if you move? Or could you possibly do this big upheaval and find he is or becomes more absent? And you are left doung all or most in a country you'd rather not be in?

Where will he stay when he comes to visit the kids? Rent somewhere? Or at your home?

There's so much to think about and so many people to keep as happy as they can be in the circumstances (and I very much include you in that) that it may be useful to write down a pros and cons of each decison and also not make one right now. Can you stay where you are for now and if it feels its not right in the near or far future then reassess?

I do wish you well whatever decision you come to.

Thanks, you've highlighted many of the thoughts that are spinning around in my head and I don't feel ready to make such a big decision. I am worried that if I don't agree he will make an application to court to relocate with the children - I don't think I can manage another legal battle (the divorce has been bad enough).

Neither of you is being unreasonable and as you're getting divorced you should, in theory, both be able to do what you want. However, as your DC are still young you really need to be in the same place as one another to facilitate fair and easy access for them between the two homes. You'll also be able to help one another out much more easily if you live near one another. So I don't know what the answer is, but I think you both need to be in the same country, if possible.

Are you both UK citizens?

You need legal advice. Don’t agree to move countries if the main reasons are fatigue with the divorce & legal costs.

OP looking at the dates two of your three children were born in the country you live in. It's unlikely any European government and in turn a court wants to get rid of any future tax paying well-integrated citizens. The bigger issue is whether you can support them without major recourse to public funds.

The UK will be an alien country to all your children and at the moment housing isn't easy to get or pay for.

I know people whose children weren't/aren't in the same country as them. The children get the choice to move at 16 with both parents blessing, but most don't move until 18 due to differences in education systems.

My husband and I are getting divorced after 18 years together of which 10 years have been living in EU. Our children are 12, 9 and 6yrs old.

So your children only know the country you are in currently.
Do you want to go to the UK?
Do you have a support network where you are -v- UK?
Can you up your hours to work full time?
What is the education system / child care where you are like?

Yes if I could go back in time I never would have agreed to give up my career to follow him 😔

We do have property in both countries so housing should not be an issue. We can split the assets and keep one house each.

I would struggle on my salary alone but with CM would be okay and I'd plan to increase my hours as children get older.

I don't much of a support network but equally but that wouldn't change in the UK due to location.

To be honest the thought of moving to the UK and starting again as a single parent just fills me with dread. I have always put my family first - is it selfish to stay because it's what I want to or might they (children) later resent me for it - that is what I'm struggling with..

I would focus on what would give your kids the best possible life and environment.

If they are happy and settled where they are and show no interest in living in the UK then prioritise that.

It's your ex who is being unreasonable, moving away from where you and the kids are settled. But of course you want to protect your kids. How do they feel about changing schools, leaving friends and changing exam systems? Can you get a decent job in the UK? Do you still have friends here? Family? Strictly speaking, again, if he wants visitation with his children he should be returning to the country where they lived. If not, will he pay all their travel costs?

Is it selfish to stay because it's what I want to or might they (children) later resent me for it?

I would focus on what would give your kids the best possible life and environment.

Well, what do you think they want? And which country offers them the best opportunities? Are they happy in their current school(s)? Do they have good friends? Do you have a good network of parents who you can call on for favours? All of those things are very relevant to which decision you make.

Also (edited to add): this is YOUR life too and as an adult you have the right to make the decision that works best for YOU. You don't have to martyr yourself to your ex and your DC. If you have the right to live and work in the EU country and that is where you want to live, then just because he's decided to return it doesn't mean you have to. I think it will make things hard, being in two different countries and trying to parent primary-aged DC, but if you're prepared for that and think you can do it, you have a right to make that decision.

I am worried that if I don't agree he will make an application to court to relocate with the children

Presumably the DC are ordinarily resident in the EU country, so any decision would probably go in your favour?

Op it sounds like financially you are going to struggle to support three dc there. You will have no support system in place to help. At least in the U.K. you would have your ex.

I would move back on this basis. If you had a well paid time job with support my advice would be different.

What about your pension?
Savings?
Emergencies?
Your children’s education and employment opportunities?

I would relocate to the UK, so that you can do the 50/50 parenting thing without a lot of travel for the kids or the parents. They are quite young and it will be easier to move their schools now than when they're 15 or older.

It's a lot of change all at once and I do think one huge life change at a time is better than several, but kids are more flexible than adults in many ways (unless inflexibility is an issue with them already).

Also you'll be under one legal system in the UK for making sure you get your dues in terms of financial support etc.

A friend of mine recently divorced her DH in Germany and he got full custody of their 12 yr old DD simply because he was a German national and staying put while the mother was from NZ and wanting to leave Germany.

Neither of you should return to the UK after living abroad for so long but obviously after a divorce you have no power to demand he doesn't. You should definitely not come back though. If he chooses to move to a different country away from his children, that's his business. Be wary though that if he takes the kids to the UK for a "holiday" it could easily be a ruse to keep them permanently. He could "lose" their passports so they can't return. It's probably safer to insist that the children can't return to the UK at all, if he wants to see them he has to visit (and you should demand he hands over his passport(s) while he is visiting).

I think he would have to prove a phenomenal case to justify the children moving country just because he wants to...

And the laws and direction it's likely to go are those in the country you are in and where 2 were born..

If you and the dc are happy there i can't understand why you would move ...? You have housing, the kids are in school you can increase your hours ..

He is the one choosing to change things to suit himself..

You don't have to do what he says anymore.
... Your eldest child is in secondary education i wouldn't change That unless i absolutely had too ... Where would they even be in equivalent years/curriculum??
Are they fluent English reading and writing?
Potentially theres a window when ur eldest finishes and before your second starts .... But thats a few years yet

What do the children want to do, having established their lives in the EU? I would say your 12 and 9 year olds are certainly old enough to have input.

It sounds like you would be quite vulnerable. Raising three dc without their father and no support system and just a part time job sounds really hard op.

Biscuitsnotcookies · Today 16:42
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It sounds like you would be quite vulnerable. Raising three dc without their father and no support system and just a part time job sounds really hard op.

It would probably be harder to relocate the children and take them away from the only country they have known.

Why vulnerable? Most women are perfectly capable people.

If he moved to the UK could child maintenance be enforced?