To ask you to slap some sense in to me (relationship)

[Itsathrowawaynamechange]

Please give me a harsh reality check. I need some serious words that will shock me into reality and hopefully grow some confidence for me to end my relationship.

Just for context, I have BPD, have suffered with anxiety and depression and so have found myself trauma bonded to someone who I really need to leave, but don't know how to.

Have name changed for this as quite a few outing details.

Have been with this guy for 3 years. The first year he cheated on my at least twice that I know of, potentially some other questionable behaviour such as messages to other women.

I know I was stupid to stay (as I say I need you to all tell me what an idiot I am), and since then we have had some good times and some bad - when it's bad it's very bad.

He can't communicate - the only emotion he displays is anger when confronted with anything he finds remotely uncomfortable. He deems everything as an attack.

He still very much likes to go out with the lads, stays out late, drinks to excess and uses cocaine.

Is at mine 90% of the time but only contributed £100 a month towards my expenses. He will buy food or top up the electric or gas sometimes too.

Whenever I try to discuss moving in together he says he can't think about it till things are more stable and we stop arguing (if we argue it's about the aforementioned issues, and it's usually me trying to calmly discuss something, which then escalates as he is extremely defensive).

He lives at home with his mum and dad, he's nearly 40. He moved back in with them after the breakdown of his previous relationship and was planning to go back home temporarily. That was 4 years ago.

I know writing all this down just makes me look even more foolish than I feel.
He obviously does have redeeming qualities, believe it or not. He can be very thoughtful, tries to help around the house as much as he can, we are best friends and get on so well when things are good.

But inevitably I need a kick up the arse, I deserve so much more and I know I do. Why is my self esteem so low that I'm allowing this? I really need some stern words and words of advice.
I feel broken sometimes, as I know I would never want a friend to deal with this shit, yet here I am standing for it. What's wrong with me?

"I know writing all this down just makes me look even more foolish"

Ok, you said you want a harsh reality check. You really are being very foolish.

Why don't you feel that you deserve better than this?

OP it’s not complex - you’re a woman clinging onto a useless man who doesn’t really care about you, because change is hard.

So do the hard thing and end it or waste more time and continue to choose to damage your self esteem further.

This is a you problem when it comes down to it. And you can fix it. But will you?

Get therapy. You need to work out why your self esteem and self worth is so low that you have no boundaries or confidence in yourself.

Until then start small. Stop letting him into your house for any reason. Go back to date nights and meeting in cafes or pub lunches. Start creating that physical boundary. Reduce your time spent with him and use that time building yourself up with friends, hobbies, gym, walking, reading. Whatever it is that gives you peace and joy.

Read up about emotional abuse and read Lundy Bancrofts Why does he do that. Google free pdf download. But most importantly find a therapist asap.

My suggestion is once you get the reality check from this thread, stop focusing on this relationship and start thinking about your life as a whole. Think about what you want your future to look like, the big things like where do you want to live, your job, what do you want to achieve, but also the small things, what does a Saturday morning look like, what is the atmosphere like in your home.

Then think about all the other people in this world that could be better partners in that future scenario. There are others out there who would be a stable, steadying influence on your life, who would be emotionally available and mature enough to care about you and show up for you in the way you need while being their own productive person.

If that seems impossible now it's only because you are so focused on this man, this man who has shown you who he is and how he shows up in relationships.

Changing in life is part fear, part hope and part trust that things can be better. It is also about taking a bigger perspective on your life and not having a super narrow focus. It's really difficult but it's worth it.

This is such a good point - the small things in particular. At the moment I feel there's always a tension, I rarely get his full attention, there's so much uncertainty and it's creating huge amounts of stress for me, then I'm often run down and exhausted.
I would love a calm Saturday morning with someone who makes me feel safe , secure and loved.

You need to get this loser out of your life to make space for yourself to find the answers to things like why did you allow this person to treat you so disrespectfully, what sort of a qualities do you want in a partner, etc.

I would love a calm Saturday morning with someone who makes me feel safe , secure and loved.

You won't find that person as long as you are still attached to your current partner.

It feels like you’re saying that any relationship is better than none, even with an abusive childish coke head who sponges off you. Let’s take this man out of the picture. He doesn’t love you, and I don’t think you love him. What’s important is why you feel obliged to stay in this situation in which you are treated with contempt?

If you have BPD, you’ve hopefully been offered something like DBT, Schema or MBT. But one concept such therapy teaches is to be appropriately selfish, and another is to be appropriately angry.

It is not wrong to prioritise your own emotional wellbeing. It is not wrong to be angry or frustrated at the way he is treating you. It is not wrong to prioritise your mental health and recovery by cutting off someone who undermines your self worth and abuses your feelings for him on a regular basis.

You deserve better than he can or will offer you, and the only way to get that is to end the relationship and put yourself first. A wise man told me years ago that the most important relationship I would ever have was with myself, which sounds pretty trite unless you have BPD and know from experience how much of that involves being at war with yourself and your own best interests. So ditch the bloke and take yourself out on a coffee date with a good book, maybe a walk in the park if the weather is as sunny there as it is here. You have got this 💐